Strange Days

It's been a strange week so far. The energy in the air is transforming...and people are antsy. I had a most fabulous Sunday, as I wrote about, but it was followed by a couple days worth of drama and headache. I guess Mr.'s girl isn't the only one capable of cattiness and backstabbing. Malcolm, is...well when I'm with him, and all the voices aren't chattering at me about what a bad decision he is, and how he'll only hurt me, and what a player he is, and all these awful negative things that want to churn your gut until you need to vomit...he is just very simply wonderful. I can't see where there is any lies or deceit because we have nothing to lie or deceive each other about. What I do realize is that all of the people that would see us apart each have their own agendas. The womenfolk because they want to get with HIM, and the menfolk because they want a piece of ME. Malcolm is quite steadfast in his feelings towards me, he's not changing his tune. People are telling HIM I'm a bad deal for him...I'm a head case, I'm not over Mr., and I'll only use him and hurt him until I get back together with Mr. WOW. What an absolute load of...manure. Malcolm and I have had lots of conversations about Mr. Of everyone, he understands my feelings about Mr. the best, and he's been there too. But he also understands that as much as I may care about and have love for my BFF, and still experience sexual feelings for him, that the long term doesn't hold much promise of a reunion with a man that has consistently broken my trust over the years.
I had some other goodbyes to say this week that also made me a bit sad. My life still feels like it's spinning beyond my control some days, and though I've joked that I'll have a whole new life by the end of the year, I never fathomed the changes would be so extensive and all-inclusive. Sometimes it just feels like too much, too fast, too out of control...let me just go to sleep and forget for a little while what a mess things seem to be. But then Malcolm calls me, and his voice is calm, and sure. He's becoming my center, the one steady thing in my world right now that I can count on to be the same. To be consistent. And my god, I love him all the more for it because at least SOMETHING seems to be as I have it pictured in my mind.....I'm not really losing it all the way.
Tomorrow is my interview in Boston. My nerves are shredded from thinking and rethinking the whole deal, and hoping and trying not to hope too much. I feel confident, I know I can do the job and do it well. I know I have a lot to offer this company, and I share their values, and appreciate their concern for their most valuable resource...their employees. I want this job, and I just want to get the final ok so that I can make the accommodations to go ahead with the plan. So my fingers are crossed hard, and I've hardened my heart to accept whatever fate has in store for me. But I know I can do this, if they only give me a chance.
Saturday Malcolm and I are coming out of the closet as a couple. LOL, in full public view, it's a don't look back kind of step. He's tired of what people will say, and doesn't give a damn anymore, and neither do I. He makes me happy. Yes...isn't it just that wonderful and simple.... HE MAKES ME HAPPY. I don't worry about bombs dropping behind my back, I don't worry about psycho bitches, or him falling in love with other women. When he's with me, he's WITH ME, 100% in mind and body. And that is a rare gift to have someone be present in the moment with you like that. Sunday, he held his hand out to me and I took it, because holding his hand is like being on top of the world. He looked at me and THANKED me for holding his hand. I was stunned, because it was MY honor and privilege to have been given a hand to hold...not something that was big in my other relationships, unless it was to tug me along like a lagging errant child. It's that kind of kinetic give and take that makes me want to keep seeing where it's all gonna end up. That and the fact that we are so on the same page when we are together. Like he said today, there are so many conversations we'll never have, simply because we don't need to, we are already understood and THERE.
There is other stuff churning in the back of my mind tonight, and quite possibly in my quest to blog the truth in my life, I should commit it to the page. But it's too ambiguous for me to understand yet, too....out there. But to Paul...thank you for the conversation. What you said, I heard, and took to heart. This is my time, you are correct, and I will use it to purge, and forge, and CLEAN (LOL, bastard), and reshape myself into something MORE, and BETTER. You are such a wonderful guy, and I'm glad you are my friend.
Malcolm, I'm ready too.