So Much Love

What a week, what a holiday. I'm a bit shell-shocked this morning, and holy God, it is morning. I was wrapped in a cocoon of love over the past 3 days, and right now, I'm in love again. But with whom? Wow....whoever thought I'd be in this predicament. LOL, and I'm NOT complaining...well not really.
So, first...I spent my holiday with an ex. Not THE ex, not Mr., but my friend...you remember..the one who gave me the Indigo Girls song, the one who will always be there for me, hoping I can give him the love he wants from me. (see "Ghost") God, I DO love him. He's wonderful, funny, and then there's that history we share from when we did date, and when we were in love. But it's not just that...we get along because we have so little in common. We laughed alot because when we were eating lunch, he had a burger, and I had the bun, cheese, veggies and condiments. Like it was the ANTI burger to his burger. It was always like that with us. He liked cheesy b-grade horror flicks, I liked Out of Africa, and other chick flicks or intellectual and artistic flicks like Koyaanisquatsi. He hates cheese and Mexican, only likes meat...and plain meat. I hate meat and love cheese and Mexican. He's total left brain, I'm total right.  LOL, it was a riot. Anywho, he treated me like a princess this weekend, and I still love him for doing it. He is one of my best friends, and I will always look forward to spending time with him.
Well, and then there is Mr. I of course still love him, as everyone knows. Will always have a piece of my heart that belongs to him, no matter that he's a passaround, no matter that he shattered my heart. We joked this week that we still hold each others leash, and lately we've been doing alot of tugging, trying to rein in each other before we drift apart. Why? I dunno, maybe habit, maybe fear, maybe because we genuinely do love each other in some kind of sick, unhealthy, and miserable way and because we're both dysfunctional. We have these amazing conversations now. He got a blue tooth, and he laughs that he carries a Dot in his pocket because he calls me and he walks around the lot at his job and talks to me like I'm right in his head, and we talk forever, or at least until he gets a customer. We talk about everything, including our private relationships, and we talk about us, and we still try to make sense of the bullshit he created. But he called and left his message with THE words. He also said the words in my ear as a whisper, and he also shouted them at me as we, you know...well...anywho....
My God, then there is Malcolm. What to say. This week, I had alot of people trying to caution me from pursuing a relationship with him. He's just like Mr. they said, will never be able to be with just one person. He's just using you, they bark at me. Well, that may be true, I guess I'll have to see. So I spent the day with him today, and we talked about it. We talked about so much stuff, it's still all stewing around in my poor overtaxed brain right now. But we had an amazing day, even having combatted southbound traffic, and being disappointed when we initially got to our destination only to find that the party had been sort of canceled. But he's the ambassador, and he made everything great. He managed to make our mutual friend Jill happy and satisfied (as did I), and still got to spend a massive amount of time devoting himself to my own personal happiness and satisfaction. He'd said the words the last time we were together, but I kind of passed it off as a slip up during the deed. I know that the critical moment can make all kinds of shit fly out of your mouth, and I gave him the benefit of knowing that what we have together is beyond amazing, and could make a eunuch scream everlasting love. But today he was very free in saying it, AND in expressing it not only to me but to the people that were around us. He made me believe it for the very reason that he doesn't need to say it to keep my interest, and he knows that. I'm happy with our friendship, and our pace. I'm willing to go slow because my own confusion needs to be sorted out for his sake, to be fair. True he has as much baggage as I do, and that is almost a comfort because we can work together to help each other get over it. But he is so damn wonderful, and I wondered today, as I continued home why I worry about what we share.
So right now I'm glowing in love because three men that mean the world to me have said the words and meant it. I'm thanking the fates for showing me that a little agony is slowly leading to better days ahead, and I'm trusting in above to keep me wrapped in my little bubble at least a bit longer. Chris, Mr., and Malcolm...I love you all very much. Thank you each for making my heart full. So different, all of you. I wouldn't trade a minute of any of our times together for anything.