I was talking to my eight year old and asking her advice. I find myself so wrapped up in all my feelings that I thought it might be interesting to have the direct, unfettered knowledge of a child. So I asked..."Juju, what would you do if someone broke a promise to you?" She cocked her head to the side, and thoughtfully replied "What kind of promise?". "A really important promise, something that can make your heart happy or sad.", I told her. "I'd have to think about it a lot", she said, "cuz I'm not sure". "What if they'd broken that same promise before...broken the promise a lot?" "Well", as she rubbed my shoulder, "I'd do it back to them so that they know how awful it feels, and they'd stop doing it".
I caught the plague, and so I got to spend the day in bed today feeling crappy, and thinking about everything. The thinking part, it can make a person crazy as it makes the monsters of the situation swirl around in your gut, causing all the ugly green bile to burn a hole. But as simple as the solution my eight year old thought up sounds, it is just such the wrong thing to do. Tempting as all hell, but the truth is that it wouldn't make a difference. It won't stop his shenanigans, it might halt them for a bit, like a few days if I'm lucky. But the inevitable will continue. My God, he only made the promise three freaking weeks ago. And he crashed and burned before the third week was up. She really must be something special, so I can only choose to turn my head, or walk away.
I can't turn my head.
The other things I thought about concerned the welfare of my daughter. We've incorporated her into our relationship. She loves him, loves Mrs D, and is totally crushing on Bubbles. Now I have to extract her from all that and try not to let my anger color how she remembers him. He's been good to and for her, and I can't ever forget that part. But what am I teaching my daughter if I stay in a relationship that will, without fail, hurt my heart over and over again. It's NOT OK to break promises, and it's NOT OK to cheat. I can't let her think it's OK for any man to treat HER that way in the future, and the best way to show her that is to lead by example.
I thought we could all be happy together, that we could make a fresh start and make everything work out. Get over all the hurdles he's got coming up, become financially stable, and just spend our time caring for each other and the ones we love. But it's not enough for him, and perhaps it was not what he wanted right now. I can't think about it anymore, because it does hurt my heart, and I don't want to feel this way anymore. He is very much like a drug though, and hopefully, the need to connect will lessen as the days go by. He reminds me very much of a song by Sara Bareilles titled Gravity:
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Chorus:
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me
So I can only pray, and hope for the best. What I can say, what has been stewing inside of me is this thought: Mr, you called it a war of blogs. A war can only exist when a contest needs to be won. I shouldn't have had to compete for your affections. I didn't know I was, which apparently put me behind the curve. I wrote my blogs of our good times out of the sheer joy of having spent the time with you, out of the bliss that comes from having (what I thought)was an amazing connection with my lover, having personal time that felt genuine, and made me want to cry to the world how much I loved you. That was the motive on my part. I won't try to justify myself a moment more, if you didn't understand that to begin with, there was more to our problem than just "that woman".
Be happy.
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