Speak to Me

It's a human tragedy, there is just no other words to describe the sorrow of it. When two people, best friends, once so much in love can no longer communicate. Every word becomes strained, the silences stretch longer ....
I hate this part. I hate myself for becoming this. Becoming unable to speak without vitriol, being unable to say or even think in his presence without the images in my mind soiling it, making every moment painful, hurting myself, and him, and feeling pleasure amidst the ocean of rage, and the small beacon of guilt for behaving so.
I know things will fade in time. The anger, the feeling of being betrayed and abandoned. But there are so many memories in my mind that were full of joy, that now just seem dirty, and disillusioned. Like Prince. Mr expanded my joy of listening to him...even gave me Diamonds & Pearls. I can't listen to it any more...can't listen to Prince anymore with any enjoyment or without feeling, well, violated.
So the calls become fewer, and the distance grows. At least someone is happy about it. Maybe time and distance will make me less of a termigant. Maybe he'll remember he loved talking to me once. Maybe I'll be able to look back and see the man who was my friend some day. I've so few true ones in my life, it feels like the biggest heartbreak is losing one. For those real ones left in my life, I need you to know and feel how much I love and value you. And yes, I know I've only myself to blame in all of this.
I was reading another blog, a good one actually. The theme was letting go. When is it time to stop fighting? Sometimes a person's part in your story ends, and that's when it's time to let them go. I don't know how my story is going, or who's part is done. But I am definitely done fighting. No more beating the dead horse. No more jabs, or veiled insults. I'm sorry for that, it's not who I want to be. I don't want to read ahead into my story just yet, though. I've placed the bookmark for now because I need to catch my breath, blow my nose, and wipe my eyes.
Namaste