I do realize, in the rational part of my brain (which by the way has fled to the furthest corner these days) that Mr and I haven't been in a "relationship" since May...yeah, that was the official month even though he was carrying on his affair hot and heavy long before that. But the emotional part of me is reliving the awfulness of his actions every day, these days. I'm confused as to why this whole "letting it go" thing is beyond me right now. Even Malcolm, my voice of sanity, said I'm tending toward the unreasonable, yet tempered his words with his assurance that I have his love and support, and I have the right to feel this way(of course he sees it as a hormonal thing and is backing off while I have my "moment" LOL!). He wishes I would have left my anger where it was (on the bitch)....he thinks it was the right place to center it. He sees Mr as a victim of sorts. LOL, he does make me laugh to hear him go on, and I wonder what kind of things have happened in his past to feel so vehement about this situation.
I was the stupid one here. I let myself be sucked back into his world over and over again, letting the cycle not only continue but reset, in my mind and heart, all those feelings I need to get rid of. Maybe I thought I could correct mistakes that weren't even ones I had made. Maybe I thought I could show him how wrong he'd been, and what he was missing. None of it matters now. I started to think, the other day, about what would happen if he DID see the error of his ways. What was I expecting? Did I want him back, is that what makes me so damn furious? And the answer is a resounding NO. I've no doubt in my mind that he thinks he loves me. He's told me over and over again, and it wasn't always sex talking. He really believes that he does. Yet he doesn't understand how his love will destroy me in the end because his need of me is such that I would give everything I have to him until I don't exist anymore, become simply a shadow to his ever widening pit of needs and wants. I can never be sexual enough, or freaky enough, or giving enough, or intellectual enough to satisfy that gaping maw. No one woman can, as he's proven over and over again during his life.
I think perhaps my current rage and fury are the result of all the times I wanted to be angry with him, and instead, simply swallowed it for the sake of peace, and for the knowledge that to confront him was futile. The times we went to parties and he abandoned me so that he could go watch Red Sox up in our room. All that money spent and he couldn't even be bothered to stay by my side. Then he'd complain if we didn't hook up with someone, or worse, be furious if I hooked up with someone without him. It got to a point that I said fuck it, if he's gonna leave me on my own, then he has nothing to say about what happens after. He brought me to a goddamned swingers party, then abandoned me...what did he THINK the end result would be? Should I have moped in the room? New Years Eve, the party started at 7:00 pm, and he arrived at 10:30 pm...2 hours later than he promised. He had some story about a confrontation at his house he had to deal with, but I'm thinking it had more to do with his affair than not. He most likely was attempting to split his evening between two women, even though our plans had been made months ahead of time. We actually had a great time that night, after he apologized for his bullshit again. But I'd planned ahead for that one, to ensure it was incredible. Again, however, I'd had to lay the groundwork and make all the plans so that Mr, in his insufferable arrogance, could simply walk into the situation with absolutely no investments on his part and simply enjoy the situation that I had created for him. I don't suppose it bothered me so much then because I didn't have a basis for comparison.
Perhaps what really fuels my rage now is having Malcolm in my life showing me what I put up with and showing me what utter bullshit it was. Malcolm and I share everything like a real partnership...50/50. We share expenses (what an amazing feeling not shouldering the burden of the costs ALL THE FUCKING TIME), he helps with gas knowing that my situation is precarious at best, and he takes ownership at the parties. He treats me like his prize gem, a treasure to be cherished and someone to be proud of. I'm not his dirty secret, I can talk about him and I to anyone, anytime and it makes him HAPPY to know that I get excited about the prospects ahead of us. It's painful though to see how many stupid things you've done and put up with in your life. I can almost hear Judge Joe Brown looking at me and shaking his head...saying something about well, that's the cost of learning a lesson, and since it was an expensive one, make it stick. And yet I rage that in the end, my trust was abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately betrayed. I may be the one he claims to, above all else, Trust and Love, but I can honestly say that at this moment though he still has my love (against my better judgment), he certainly does NOT have any of my trust.
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