Careful How You Say That!

I had a scare this week, I really found myself most deeply disturbed. I was terrified that I had said the wrong thing, the wrong way, and lost the best thing that has happened to me all year....Malcolm.
All my life, men have assumed the worst of me. Baby Daddy accused me over and over again of having affairs with people I worked with because of my friendliness and ability to be social. I remember one time a security guard at a mall I worked at hollered hello to me when baby daddy and I were shopping, and it totally set baby daddy off, because that behavior was disrespectful, and if I'm "going to have an affair, couldn't I be discreet" about it? It was nonsense of course, I'd never cheated on him, never conceived of cheating on him quite simply because he had my commitment, and I didn't waver in my feelings, no matter how many problems we experienced.
Even Mr assumed I was a passaround. His playful accusations would infuriate me because they were false, and because I knew HE was a passaround. It became so upsetting at times that I decided "Why Not?" He already thought I was anyways, whether I do or don't isn't going to change it. So I did have 2 affairs during the course of our relationship. Two very brief affairs that came at times when he had fucked up so bad I was sure it was done...the time he stood me up NYE, and the time Mrs D came home. But I didn't like living like that...feeling like if he cheats I'll cheat...and so on and so on. It was one of those spirals that just digs the hole ever deeper until eventually, someone kills the other one. LOL. So after my conversation with Mr last weekend, after hearing about his creeping, and knowing now in my heart it's the way it's ALWAYS been.... It struck me like a lead pipe that the reality of his using protection all those times was pretty slim. I'd already made an appointment for myself this week at the OBGYN because it's my "woman test" time. JOY!! So I decided that it's probably a good idea to get a full battery of STD testing done. Just to be sure.
To be fair, in 5 years I've had my paps done regularly and routinely, and I've always come out clean. Kudos to Mr for, what I suspect is his dumb luck. I'm furious at his disregard for my health and safety...he KNEW I trusted him and counted on him to keep me safe. Another of my faiths that he has so carelessly blown apart. So where does my fear come in? I had this conversation with Malcolm, told him I was getting tested, apologized for the posibility of putting him at risk because of my ex's poor judgement. We talked about it all, he wanting me to NOT jump to conclusions because ultimately I don't have solid proof (well, except for M's email to me telling me about their affair, and for JG of course and her IM conversation to me about what a great f***buddy he is, and his admitting the one with the girl in Sanford..the nastiest of the lot) that this is how it was for 5 years. But the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. The emails he'd printed up with directions to Skowhegan and carelessly left in his car, the text messages of rendezvous he'd planned with the girl from Gardiner and didn't seem to care if I saw, the email confirmation of a get together in Sanford, with the hotel room number, printed and left in his backseat. The IMS on MY computer with JJ & friends he'd taken out to dinner. His own admittance of the 21 year old that lives right there in Portland. I mean...cummon...how much evidence do I overlook before I can safely draw my conclusion?? So we kinda left that conversation alone for a bit, said goodnights, and hung up. And I started to worry. Because if I'd been talking to baby daddy, he'd have assumed from the content of the conversation that I'd been still carrying on with Mr., still giving him the milk from the cow so to speak. I didn't want to lose him over that because I'd always told him when it had been true. I was really a mess about it, and I really needed him to know that I'd ended it when I'd told him, and not gone back on my word. What I didn't know was how to assure him without seeming like I was trying to make up for a lie.
So I talked to him last night, and braced myself for something truly ugly. And I was blown away by his one simple statement:
"My mind never went there. You've always been truthful, and I trust you to tell me what's going on in your life."
I started to cry, which kind of unnerved him. LOL. How do you explain all of this to someone? He couldn't have made me happier, and I was so relieved to know that finally, in my life, the man I've chosen for my mate is LISTENING to me. Listening and believing....and ultimately understanding me on a level that no one has before. I'd honestly come to point where I was expecting not to be taken seriously by the men in my life...it just seemed what they did. What an amazing feeling to not have to fight for every point now.
Thank you baby, I love you too.