This morning I got woken up by Malcolm, who was in a rare lather about this whole Bailout deal. He was crowing that it had failed, and that the market had fallen 777 points in a day. He hates that plan, hates the people in charge of the companies and their "golden parachutes" (if you don't know what one of these is, please google it and understand it, you need to know). Hates our gov'ment for wanting to sink the nation under a paralyzing debt. He was all worked up, nearly shouting. LOL...I love him when he's passionate about his beliefs, and I love that we're on the same page. He called 3 more times to further hammer his point home, a point, I might add, that he had no need to convince me of since I'm in his camp..In his tent actually, naked and in his sleeping bag. MWAHAHA! But I let him know I support him, his passion, and his convictions. And cherish the man that holds it all.
I've missed poking the bear. But, I realized, after our lovely little female friend Violet called (her choice of a pseudonym, not mine!!) that I have a new and even more fun bear to poke! So I told Violet,"Hey, text him and tell him you're upset the deal didn't go thru". LOLOL, He apparently flipped his lid and called her to deliver an hour long diatribe on the evils of the plan, the bankers and mortgage companies, and the gov'ment we rely on. Violet said he was QUITE fired up. So of course, when he called this evening, I asked if she had called him, and he says "YES, as a matter of fact. Can you BELIEVE what she texted to me??" So I confessed my perfidy in the matter and we both laughed aloud at his expense. Thank you baby for supporting that small sadistic side of me.
So tonight my dear friend Miss A sent me a link for Dave Ramsey, and I've dutifully read it, forwarded it to my friends, and also to Sen. Olympia Snowe. It's a good plan, and merits reading. Please, if you feel passionate about it, forward it to your senators and representatives to help keep our nation from accruing 700 BILLION DOLLARS of debt overnight. It's NOT ok that the top executives get to keep all their financial perks, and that the banking and mortgage companies get to continue on unscathed and with virtually no concessions as they ruin thousands upon thousands of lives. This comes back to my point. Doing what is RIGHT versus doing what is EASY. We need to get off the easy track and do the right friggin thing for a change. AND, we need to stop griping and start ACTING. Remember that Senators and Reps are HIRED to be OUR voice in Washington. If they get no feedback ever, they get to run willy nilly. So let YOUR voice be heard. Maybe, just maybe, one person's voice can tip the balance of power and make a difference.
http://www.daveramsey.com/etc/fed_bailout/3_steps_to_change_the_nations_futur...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
It Is What It Is
Caring for Mrs D has certainly proven to be a challenge. However, it's also shown me very clearly what her short and long term needs are. Mr and I had a chat about it tonight.
It's interesting having those quiet conversations again, now that everything has changed. It's all changed but it's all still the same, really. We still relate on the same level, still communicate the same. But he's more thoughtful now when he speaks to me. I see him watching me, and thinking. It makes me smile a bit, and I feel like somewhere, somehow, I won a battle that he and I have waged far too long. Perhaps the difference is that he is seeing clearly again, and listening to me. His mind is clear and unconsumed by frivolities, and his focus on the problem at hand is making him re-assess his choices and decisions. Especially when he sees what the outcome is.
I teased him mercilessly today about agreeing with me...finally. I gasped for breath, felt faint, and grabbed for support when he admitted, after 3 days of mentally chewing on it, that I was dead on about what I'd said, and that he really wasn't ok with what I'd pointed out about how his "girlfriend" had acted in this situation. He claimed responsibility for his actions, felt bad that he'd let it get there....and I cheered internally because I felt like I had gotten through to him somehow, even if it was only over that one small point. Tonight he agreed AGAIN to a plan I'd thought about and worked out today. I told him that the plan he was working on isn't good enough. He needs to take the next step, and make sure once and for all that Mrs D is safe and properly cared for. He will intervene in the process tomorrow, and hopefully use what he's already worked on to further his new agenda.
I'm cautiously optimistic that he will do this in a timely and responsible fashion. But I still have more long-term concerns for him. Namely, I won't always be there to provide the safety net. And I hope that he can re-assess the people in his life and hold them up to certain expectations, namely to be there and be supportive. The measure of friends and acquaintances should be; Will they do what is Right, or will they only do what is Easy? It's rather become my new motto. My lil' admirer (the bitch) doesn't think I have the right to judge another person. But the reality is that is bullshit. We all have the right to expect decency and honesty from other people. We have the right to expect to be treated well, and to be valued for who we are as individuals. Damn straight that you can judge whether or not someone is treating you or another person right. Does that make me a harsh person? Maybe, but at least I know that I can depend on my friends in a pinch. They are REAL people, TRUE people who have come thru for me, and proven that I can depend on them. And I've come through for them as well because it is a reciprocal thing.
Mr hasn't often, of late, passed my judgments, but he did tonight. He did the right thing by me, by the little girl that loves him, and most importantly, by Mrs D. He also made me remember that there were lots of things in those 5 years that were very good, and helped me to let go of some more of that rage. Are we friends again? Well, maybe not back up to BFF yet, but grudgingly back to good friends.
It's interesting having those quiet conversations again, now that everything has changed. It's all changed but it's all still the same, really. We still relate on the same level, still communicate the same. But he's more thoughtful now when he speaks to me. I see him watching me, and thinking. It makes me smile a bit, and I feel like somewhere, somehow, I won a battle that he and I have waged far too long. Perhaps the difference is that he is seeing clearly again, and listening to me. His mind is clear and unconsumed by frivolities, and his focus on the problem at hand is making him re-assess his choices and decisions. Especially when he sees what the outcome is.
I teased him mercilessly today about agreeing with me...finally. I gasped for breath, felt faint, and grabbed for support when he admitted, after 3 days of mentally chewing on it, that I was dead on about what I'd said, and that he really wasn't ok with what I'd pointed out about how his "girlfriend" had acted in this situation. He claimed responsibility for his actions, felt bad that he'd let it get there....and I cheered internally because I felt like I had gotten through to him somehow, even if it was only over that one small point. Tonight he agreed AGAIN to a plan I'd thought about and worked out today. I told him that the plan he was working on isn't good enough. He needs to take the next step, and make sure once and for all that Mrs D is safe and properly cared for. He will intervene in the process tomorrow, and hopefully use what he's already worked on to further his new agenda.
I'm cautiously optimistic that he will do this in a timely and responsible fashion. But I still have more long-term concerns for him. Namely, I won't always be there to provide the safety net. And I hope that he can re-assess the people in his life and hold them up to certain expectations, namely to be there and be supportive. The measure of friends and acquaintances should be; Will they do what is Right, or will they only do what is Easy? It's rather become my new motto. My lil' admirer (the bitch) doesn't think I have the right to judge another person. But the reality is that is bullshit. We all have the right to expect decency and honesty from other people. We have the right to expect to be treated well, and to be valued for who we are as individuals. Damn straight that you can judge whether or not someone is treating you or another person right. Does that make me a harsh person? Maybe, but at least I know that I can depend on my friends in a pinch. They are REAL people, TRUE people who have come thru for me, and proven that I can depend on them. And I've come through for them as well because it is a reciprocal thing.
Mr hasn't often, of late, passed my judgments, but he did tonight. He did the right thing by me, by the little girl that loves him, and most importantly, by Mrs D. He also made me remember that there were lots of things in those 5 years that were very good, and helped me to let go of some more of that rage. Are we friends again? Well, maybe not back up to BFF yet, but grudgingly back to good friends.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Bible Study
Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk. It must be a thing of action and sincerity (1 John 3:18).”
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Bible, 2 Timothy iv. 7.
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Bible, Acts xx. 35.
Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. Bible, Daniel v. 27.
LOL, I found these special quotes for my secret admirer, the bitch, who was hurling biblical phrasing at me today. Of course, they weren't quite phrased right...her last nights should have been "Judge not lest ye be judged", really quite a simple one, but then I did have 12 years of Catholic School Training behind me to make this easier for me. Well, and of course a degree in Comparative World Religions. Kinda fun! I shouldn't try to tax her one functioning brain cell, she might need it to remember how to breathe.
Malcolm and I had a really great conversation today. I love his morning calls, filling me in on his mood, his assignment, and taking me along with him for the ride and the climb. I love being HIS Dot in the Pocket! Today he got to be in a bucket out by the airport. He looks so friggin good in his bucket too. LOL, he just looks good, period. Sigh...happy place! But he talked today about how much he loves what he does, and how fulfilled he is at work. We also reminisced about our weekend again...it will be another long stretch at this point before I get to see him again, because obviously I have a house-guest with no sense of propriety or boundaries due to her illness, who would most likely walk in and watch, while telling me how big my ass is. LOL, it's ten times big, for those of you who were wondering. Plus this is his Boston weekend, and I would never interfere with his sense of family, and his commitment to his children. I love him too much, and respect that of him too much to ever grouse about our away time. But I do miss his arms wrapped around me at night holding me while I sleep. I miss his breath on the patch of my neck behind my ear, and the things he whispers to me as we both drift off. I even miss the way he fires all my hot flashes in the middle of the night because he projects so much damn heat. I miss, most of all, waking up to his gentle laughter, his soft kisses, and the love he cocoons me in.
I had a memory today, of Saturday night...there was just SO MUCH to that night, so many little moments that I can take and make each into it's own vignette. And it was all so phenomenal, not a moment among it that was just ordinary. And THAT is what so astounds me about this lifestyle...the quality of the life that you actually get to live...the number of astounding moments that you get to cherish. One moment that came back into my mind today... It was getting very late, or early depending on how you wish to see it. I think it was approaching or passing the 3 am hour. It had already been a night for the ages, but Malcolm just wasn't done yet. He wrapped himself around my back, and was whispering in my ear, but whispering so very low so that V&J couldn't hear. V thought I was falling asleep but Malcolm assured her with an evil little laugh that I was JUST fine. He loves domming me this way, with words instead of force. He'd whispered his love, how he was glad he'd found me, how much he wanted to do everything with me, the whole package, the whole life...He whispered naughty things too, things he wanted me to do for him, with him, to him. He whispered that he'd do anything for me if only I'd just ask. And he demanded to know who I thought I belonged to. To affirm it, say it, believe it, and feel it. I think V thought I'd passed out because it was so precious, and I could barely hear...and I WANTED to hear. So I stopped breathing for a moment to let those words...that declaration fill me and begin to resonate within me. And I cried.
I read a book once titled "How Full is Your Bucket?" And it talked of a theory concerning building people up or tearing them down. What I have with Malcolm is so very different because when I'm with him and afterward, I don't feel tired and empty. I feel sated, and full...replete. He fills me up with himself (ok, I know that could be taken either way, LOL), and he builds me up so that I'm satisfyingly happy. Not manically happy, hoping it will last, but that relaxed easy happy that comes from confidence and fulfillment. I'm still uneasy some days because the whole concept is so foreign. I'm used to looking over my shoulder, used to wondering, worrying, and obsessing about which shoe will drop next. And then I think what a difference he's made in my life already in small ways. I remember when I first met him, I craved violence...needed it to complete my experience. He gave me what I begged him for, but I understood that he didn't like hurting me, didn't like that I'd needed to be hurt. And he set about showing me that he can do it differently and still make me complete. So much so that I don't want that anymore, at least not to the extent I'd been reaching. No more bruises, no more bad aches, no more sore throats and black eyes. Only good aches in good places.
I'm taking Sunday off from Mrs D. Mr promises to be here early to pick her up so that I can have some recoup time. It's supposed to be nasty out, but Wallingfords calls. It might be too harsh out to get Apples, but who cares? The Jamaicans got em picked and ready anywho! LOL, the real purpose of going Apple picking, as any REAL Central Mainer knows, is to get the DONUTS. God love ya Wallingford family, cuz we sure do!
I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Bible, 2 Timothy iv. 7.
I had a memory today, of Saturday night...there was just SO MUCH to that night, so many little moments that I can take and make each into it's own vignette. And it was all so phenomenal, not a moment among it that was just ordinary. And THAT is what so astounds me about this lifestyle...the quality of the life that you actually get to live...the number of astounding moments that you get to cherish. One moment that came back into my mind today... It was getting very late, or early depending on how you wish to see it. I think it was approaching or passing the 3 am hour. It had already been a night for the ages, but Malcolm just wasn't done yet. He wrapped himself around my back, and was whispering in my ear, but whispering so very low so that V&J couldn't hear. V thought I was falling asleep but Malcolm assured her with an evil little laugh that I was JUST fine. He loves domming me this way, with words instead of force. He'd whispered his love, how he was glad he'd found me, how much he wanted to do everything with me, the whole package, the whole life...He whispered naughty things too, things he wanted me to do for him, with him, to him. He whispered that he'd do anything for me if only I'd just ask. And he demanded to know who I thought I belonged to. To affirm it, say it, believe it, and feel it. I think V thought I'd passed out because it was so precious, and I could barely hear...and I WANTED to hear. So I stopped breathing for a moment to let those words...that declaration fill me and begin to resonate within me. And I cried.
I read a book once titled "How Full is Your Bucket?" And it talked of a theory concerning building people up or tearing them down. What I have with Malcolm is so very different because when I'm with him and afterward, I don't feel tired and empty. I feel sated, and full...replete. He fills me up with himself (ok, I know that could be taken either way, LOL), and he builds me up so that I'm satisfyingly happy. Not manically happy, hoping it will last, but that relaxed easy happy that comes from confidence and fulfillment. I'm still uneasy some days because the whole concept is so foreign. I'm used to looking over my shoulder, used to wondering, worrying, and obsessing about which shoe will drop next. And then I think what a difference he's made in my life already in small ways. I remember when I first met him, I craved violence...needed it to complete my experience. He gave me what I begged him for, but I understood that he didn't like hurting me, didn't like that I'd needed to be hurt. And he set about showing me that he can do it differently and still make me complete. So much so that I don't want that anymore, at least not to the extent I'd been reaching. No more bruises, no more bad aches, no more sore throats and black eyes. Only good aches in good places.
I'm taking Sunday off from Mrs D. Mr promises to be here early to pick her up so that I can have some recoup time. It's supposed to be nasty out, but Wallingfords calls. It might be too harsh out to get Apples, but who cares? The Jamaicans got em picked and ready anywho! LOL, the real purpose of going Apple picking, as any REAL Central Mainer knows, is to get the DONUTS. God love ya Wallingford family, cuz we sure do!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Joke?
The rebuttal for yesterdays post, from the bitch? "And the candidate for Martyr of the Year goes to...LMAO!"
My first thought? Surprise, mostly. LOL, I was surprised that she could spell martyr correctly. But then it quickly turned to disgust that such a serious situation could be so flippantly disregarded, and that she truly showed the extent of her lack of concern for Mrs D in that one sentence.
Personally? Mr was upset by the statement and wanted to address it. I think he has much more serious issues to attend to, and quite frankly, I'm humored by her ill attempt to wound me in some trite fashion. The reality stands that Mr's significant other "can't" deal with the total package, no matter that in April of this year, she'd blogged that she wanted to "merge their lives...to make it work". I'm outraged on Mrs D's behalf, the real martyr of the situation. I'm furious that for 4 days while Mr grasped at straws for a solution, Mrs D was denied a safe haven that was the logical alternative. I'm appalled that it merrits laughing at now, like it's some ludicrous joke. Say what you like about me, it's a mosquito against steel plate armor. I don't care, and honestly get a chuckle at the truth of the situation. Insults are the last resort of the incompetent. But when you make Mrs D into a joke, please do remember...
She has his heart. And his ring.
My first thought? Surprise, mostly. LOL, I was surprised that she could spell martyr correctly. But then it quickly turned to disgust that such a serious situation could be so flippantly disregarded, and that she truly showed the extent of her lack of concern for Mrs D in that one sentence.
Personally? Mr was upset by the statement and wanted to address it. I think he has much more serious issues to attend to, and quite frankly, I'm humored by her ill attempt to wound me in some trite fashion. The reality stands that Mr's significant other "can't" deal with the total package, no matter that in April of this year, she'd blogged that she wanted to "merge their lives...to make it work". I'm outraged on Mrs D's behalf, the real martyr of the situation. I'm furious that for 4 days while Mr grasped at straws for a solution, Mrs D was denied a safe haven that was the logical alternative. I'm appalled that it merrits laughing at now, like it's some ludicrous joke. Say what you like about me, it's a mosquito against steel plate armor. I don't care, and honestly get a chuckle at the truth of the situation. Insults are the last resort of the incompetent. But when you make Mrs D into a joke, please do remember...
She has his heart. And his ring.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My Guardian Angel
I would like to nominate Malcolm for sainthood, and here's why....
Firstly, I had the most amazing weekend. Malcolm and I created our own fun after the party we'd anticipated attending was cancelled for the hosts health. (We wish you many good thoughts, btw, S&S!) We spent Saturday and some of Sunday (err, EARLY Sunday) with some friends that are, without mincing words.....OUTRAGEOUS fun. Thank you guys! But the cream of my night was spending that wonderful time with the man I love. We laughed so hard cuz my friends picked me up for the trip to Portland in the biggest truck I'd ever seen...well that wasn't a work vehicle. It got a rip roaring 10.4 miles to the gallon, and required a small step ladder to get in. It was HUGE. We made it to Portland, picked up Malcolm, and went to Motel 6, cuz they left the light on for us. Malcolm and I were together, finally, after a long 12 days apart, and we couldn't wait for the hotel. We just started kissing, and necking in the back of the truck, and J laughed and said "Jeepahs, it looks like you two haven't seen each other in a couple weeks or somethin!". Malcolm and I said, right on cue and right at the same time, "we HAVEN'T!", and went right back to kissing. My God I miss him so much. Anywho, after a night that lasted....7 1/2 hours, we finally got to sleep...for 2 hours. Wow we were exhausted, Malcolm more than anyone because he puts so much of himself out there. I still get shivers when I think about him. He started and ended his night with me, and his only concern was that he took good care of me. You always do baby, you always do. I don't really remember much of the rest of Sunday because I spent most of it sleeping on and off. LOL, WOW is all I can say to that.
But today I probably did something that will rate as high on the scale of stupidity for my life as anything I've ever ever done. I went to Portland to pick up some things for a wedding I'm doing this weekend. While I was there, I decided to stop in and visit Mrs D. Mr was supposed to be off today, and she hadn't had lunch yet so I called via her phone and harrassed him to come and feed her. I didn't guess then because I was distracted by Mrs D and her idle chatter, and by the dog...who finally likes me. So as we waited for Mr to come and get her, we sat outside in the beautiful sunshine and chatted about stuff...the hubcaps, the trees, the traffic. Mr was late, as usual, and my temper was running pretty high. He took her to a local deli and she got a sandwich, and I tried a veggie thing there, and we went back to his porch to eat. Mrs D went in, and then Mr did his pitch. Without getting into the ugly insults I hurled at him because I just wanted to knock his fucking block off, I agreed to have Mrs D come live with me for a couple of weeks. KaPOW, the bomb drops.
I have to stress how uncomfortable this situation is for me. I'm already a caretaker to my mother, a nasty old battleaxe that will have a conniption as soon as she figures out what's going on. It'll be screaming, and insults, and verbal nastiness, threats, the whole nine yards. And that doesn't take into account that my 8 year old lives here and will witness all of it. Mrs D is her own baggage, and none of it light. AND, now Mr will be a frequent flier in and out of my home because he knows DAMN well that if he just dumps her here I'll assassinate him. And yes, here I am, saving his ass AGAIN.
So....I had to tell Malcolm. Now...You know someone is starting to know you really really well when you call, and the only word you say is Hi, and the first thing he asks is "What's wrong?". So I just spit it out and told him the WHOLE story. Told him that if I do the tough love thing the person who suffers isn't Mr, it's Mrs D. Told him that I love and care about her, and I can't allow her to live in an unsafe situation. I told him I didn't know what else to do, because nobody else would help her. Note I am saying nobody else WILL help. They will ALL say they CAN'T help. You are ALL a bunch of selfish assholes, every last one of you. I'll give exception to Becky, because she really is doing her part. Everyone else, FUCK YOU!
I expected Malcolm to be angry, and he was. Really angry. Not at me though, which puzzled me. He was angry FOR me because he's had it with the bullshit. But he calmed down, and told me that he understands my reasons for wanting to do it, and he would probably do the same thing. He says I have his support, but wanted me to understand upfront that this will end badly no matter what, and to not expect anything to be good about it in any way. Malcolm understands so much about my dynamics, with me and with my mom, and my family. He really nailed it dead on, another amazing trait he possesses. I feel like I've disappointed him, let him down. I know he still thinks I'm carrying a torch for Mr, even though he also knows that my love for him is genuine. This is really going to be a test for us. I hope I can pass it.
Meanwhile, Mrs D is sleeping...I hope. I'm praying for a worry free night, although I doubt I'll get much sleep tonight. Malcolm, I love you more than I can tell you. I love you for being the man that wants what's best for me because you care for me like that. I love that we can be open and honest and talk about stuff, and you don't cut me off. I love your analogies, LOL! I want to prove to you that I'm everything you hoped I'd be, and I want to prove that I won't let you down.
Lastly, to Mr. All bets are now off, btw. Here's the bald truth. Love isn't about the googly fun times, or the party weekends, or watching a plasma screen tv. Love isn't watching your significant other's life spiral out of control while you giggle and hope for the best, and look for another party to attend. Love is making tough hard decisions based on what's the best thing to do, and the RIGHT thing to do. Love is accepting the total package of your significant other's life, even the parts you think you don't have a spare room for, and making room for them in your heart, and if need be, in your home. Love is sacrificing of yourself and quite possibly your family to make a stronger whole from the parts, even when it looks like it's not gonna be cute and pretty and fun. You need to WAKE UP. You need to see that you were fucked, and that the person who you turned to to bail you out, the person you trusted again, wasn't your "girlfriend". These things I've written, they are the decisions SHE is supposed to be making as your significant other. I can't spell it out ANY plainer than that. She KNEW going into a relationship with you that you had bigtime baggage, and the fact that she'd try to shove it out of her way now....wow. I don't know who I hate more in this instant. Her for being so completely useless and such a lowlife, or YOU, for being with her and trying to justify her behavior while Mrs D was left out in the cold...FUCKING LITERALLY. Just know that I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Mrs D, because who you've become shouldn't make her life this hard. She deserves better.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Careful How You Say That!
I had a scare this week, I really found myself most deeply disturbed. I was terrified that I had said the wrong thing, the wrong way, and lost the best thing that has happened to me all year....Malcolm.
All my life, men have assumed the worst of me. Baby Daddy accused me over and over again of having affairs with people I worked with because of my friendliness and ability to be social. I remember one time a security guard at a mall I worked at hollered hello to me when baby daddy and I were shopping, and it totally set baby daddy off, because that behavior was disrespectful, and if I'm "going to have an affair, couldn't I be discreet" about it? It was nonsense of course, I'd never cheated on him, never conceived of cheating on him quite simply because he had my commitment, and I didn't waver in my feelings, no matter how many problems we experienced.
Even Mr assumed I was a passaround. His playful accusations would infuriate me because they were false, and because I knew HE was a passaround. It became so upsetting at times that I decided "Why Not?" He already thought I was anyways, whether I do or don't isn't going to change it. So I did have 2 affairs during the course of our relationship. Two very brief affairs that came at times when he had fucked up so bad I was sure it was done...the time he stood me up NYE, and the time Mrs D came home. But I didn't like living like that...feeling like if he cheats I'll cheat...and so on and so on. It was one of those spirals that just digs the hole ever deeper until eventually, someone kills the other one. LOL. So after my conversation with Mr last weekend, after hearing about his creeping, and knowing now in my heart it's the way it's ALWAYS been.... It struck me like a lead pipe that the reality of his using protection all those times was pretty slim. I'd already made an appointment for myself this week at the OBGYN because it's my "woman test" time. JOY!! So I decided that it's probably a good idea to get a full battery of STD testing done. Just to be sure.
To be fair, in 5 years I've had my paps done regularly and routinely, and I've always come out clean. Kudos to Mr for, what I suspect is his dumb luck. I'm furious at his disregard for my health and safety...he KNEW I trusted him and counted on him to keep me safe. Another of my faiths that he has so carelessly blown apart. So where does my fear come in? I had this conversation with Malcolm, told him I was getting tested, apologized for the posibility of putting him at risk because of my ex's poor judgement. We talked about it all, he wanting me to NOT jump to conclusions because ultimately I don't have solid proof (well, except for M's email to me telling me about their affair, and for JG of course and her IM conversation to me about what a great f***buddy he is, and his admitting the one with the girl in Sanford..the nastiest of the lot) that this is how it was for 5 years. But the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. The emails he'd printed up with directions to Skowhegan and carelessly left in his car, the text messages of rendezvous he'd planned with the girl from Gardiner and didn't seem to care if I saw, the email confirmation of a get together in Sanford, with the hotel room number, printed and left in his backseat. The IMS on MY computer with JJ & friends he'd taken out to dinner. His own admittance of the 21 year old that lives right there in Portland. I mean...cummon...how much evidence do I overlook before I can safely draw my conclusion?? So we kinda left that conversation alone for a bit, said goodnights, and hung up. And I started to worry. Because if I'd been talking to baby daddy, he'd have assumed from the content of the conversation that I'd been still carrying on with Mr., still giving him the milk from the cow so to speak. I didn't want to lose him over that because I'd always told him when it had been true. I was really a mess about it, and I really needed him to know that I'd ended it when I'd told him, and not gone back on my word. What I didn't know was how to assure him without seeming like I was trying to make up for a lie.
So I talked to him last night, and braced myself for something truly ugly. And I was blown away by his one simple statement:
"My mind never went there. You've always been truthful, and I trust you to tell me what's going on in your life."
I started to cry, which kind of unnerved him. LOL. How do you explain all of this to someone? He couldn't have made me happier, and I was so relieved to know that finally, in my life, the man I've chosen for my mate is LISTENING to me. Listening and believing....and ultimately understanding me on a level that no one has before. I'd honestly come to point where I was expecting not to be taken seriously by the men in my life...it just seemed what they did. What an amazing feeling to not have to fight for every point now.
Thank you baby, I love you too.
All my life, men have assumed the worst of me. Baby Daddy accused me over and over again of having affairs with people I worked with because of my friendliness and ability to be social. I remember one time a security guard at a mall I worked at hollered hello to me when baby daddy and I were shopping, and it totally set baby daddy off, because that behavior was disrespectful, and if I'm "going to have an affair, couldn't I be discreet" about it? It was nonsense of course, I'd never cheated on him, never conceived of cheating on him quite simply because he had my commitment, and I didn't waver in my feelings, no matter how many problems we experienced.
Even Mr assumed I was a passaround. His playful accusations would infuriate me because they were false, and because I knew HE was a passaround. It became so upsetting at times that I decided "Why Not?" He already thought I was anyways, whether I do or don't isn't going to change it. So I did have 2 affairs during the course of our relationship. Two very brief affairs that came at times when he had fucked up so bad I was sure it was done...the time he stood me up NYE, and the time Mrs D came home. But I didn't like living like that...feeling like if he cheats I'll cheat...and so on and so on. It was one of those spirals that just digs the hole ever deeper until eventually, someone kills the other one. LOL. So after my conversation with Mr last weekend, after hearing about his creeping, and knowing now in my heart it's the way it's ALWAYS been.... It struck me like a lead pipe that the reality of his using protection all those times was pretty slim. I'd already made an appointment for myself this week at the OBGYN because it's my "woman test" time. JOY!! So I decided that it's probably a good idea to get a full battery of STD testing done. Just to be sure.
To be fair, in 5 years I've had my paps done regularly and routinely, and I've always come out clean. Kudos to Mr for, what I suspect is his dumb luck. I'm furious at his disregard for my health and safety...he KNEW I trusted him and counted on him to keep me safe. Another of my faiths that he has so carelessly blown apart. So where does my fear come in? I had this conversation with Malcolm, told him I was getting tested, apologized for the posibility of putting him at risk because of my ex's poor judgement. We talked about it all, he wanting me to NOT jump to conclusions because ultimately I don't have solid proof (well, except for M's email to me telling me about their affair, and for JG of course and her IM conversation to me about what a great f***buddy he is, and his admitting the one with the girl in Sanford..the nastiest of the lot) that this is how it was for 5 years. But the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. The emails he'd printed up with directions to Skowhegan and carelessly left in his car, the text messages of rendezvous he'd planned with the girl from Gardiner and didn't seem to care if I saw, the email confirmation of a get together in Sanford, with the hotel room number, printed and left in his backseat. The IMS on MY computer with JJ & friends he'd taken out to dinner. His own admittance of the 21 year old that lives right there in Portland. I mean...cummon...how much evidence do I overlook before I can safely draw my conclusion?? So we kinda left that conversation alone for a bit, said goodnights, and hung up. And I started to worry. Because if I'd been talking to baby daddy, he'd have assumed from the content of the conversation that I'd been still carrying on with Mr., still giving him the milk from the cow so to speak. I didn't want to lose him over that because I'd always told him when it had been true. I was really a mess about it, and I really needed him to know that I'd ended it when I'd told him, and not gone back on my word. What I didn't know was how to assure him without seeming like I was trying to make up for a lie.
So I talked to him last night, and braced myself for something truly ugly. And I was blown away by his one simple statement:
"My mind never went there. You've always been truthful, and I trust you to tell me what's going on in your life."
I started to cry, which kind of unnerved him. LOL. How do you explain all of this to someone? He couldn't have made me happier, and I was so relieved to know that finally, in my life, the man I've chosen for my mate is LISTENING to me. Listening and believing....and ultimately understanding me on a level that no one has before. I'd honestly come to point where I was expecting not to be taken seriously by the men in my life...it just seemed what they did. What an amazing feeling to not have to fight for every point now.
Thank you baby, I love you too.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
It's Better to Laugh
Somedays, ya gotta chuckle at the sheer audacity that some people have. Somedays, it's better to laugh at the huge balls someone exhibits so that you don't simply cry from the absurdity of it. I'm not really laughing right now...trying to, but not really succeeding. But I do have that familiar sick feeling that Mr. is so adept at giving me, seemingly every time we talk.
So, the easy solution, I suppose would simply be to hang up on his ass, or on my part, to not initiate any calls. I've mostly done the latter, and any that I have placed, until today, were very short and curt, asking pointed questions, and ending the conversation when I'd achieved the answer from him. That seemed to be working great, at least on my part. Cuz anything lengthier, and I run the risk of getting an update on his love life, and I really don't want to hear it. It still has the power to make me angry, to roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of it all, the whatever it is that makes him feel like he has to assure me it all has a point. Today I let him go on a bit after he'd asked me some outrageous question about "why do women squirt"? WTF? Cuz they are grown and they can, I guess. I sent him a whole article, not understanding why it freaking matters. It's not a huge deal, and as I explained to him, now that I've acheived it (with another man not him, lol), it doesn't impact the pleasure of my orgasm. It just makes a big mess. I'm gonna have fun either way, and it isn't necessarily better if the mess is present. The article did say that it is an ego booster for some men. I guess if ya need that to feel good about yourself, more power to ya.
But today was another of those days that assured me, "Thank God I'm Not a Part of It Anymore" days. He's just so out of control, I'm glad I'm not the one that is getting hurt by it all anymore. It still bothers me that he needs all of that in his life still. Needs to run after countless women to boost his ego. Like, with his advancing age, he ought to be settling some. I just don't get it, I never did, and I probably never will. Why can't he simply be happy with a monogamous relationship? Why does he need to boink 5 different women a week??? LOL, I remember a few months ago he'd told me one of his big turn ons in our relationship was that I KNEW all about him, and stayed with him anyways. Unfortunately, he never asked me if it was a turn on for me. I know, let it go already, right? The problem was that I always SUSPECTED, but knowing for sure is an entirely different matter. When Malcolm and I talked about it, and Malcolm was like "Don't discount your feelings, you guys were in love. Even though he was cheating, he was still yours then, and came home to you." Hoo fucking ray, right? What a prize.
I had to say no to him today. No, I won't do that. No more cheating. I love Malcolm TOO MUCH to have guilty secrets like that. He may be able to carry on like it's nothing, but it eats away at me. I told him sometimes in order to fix something you had to quit it, and move on. His response? "I'll let you call the shots....for now." WhatEVER!!! I told him it would never be the same on the other side if he made me re-open the wound, made me re-examine the situation. He blithely thought it would all work out, and he'd get his cake back and get to eat it too. Sorry Mr., the force of my rage broke the leash, and this bitch is panting after a new dog now. I've found my "out" clause.
Well that, at least, is pretty funny.
So, the easy solution, I suppose would simply be to hang up on his ass, or on my part, to not initiate any calls. I've mostly done the latter, and any that I have placed, until today, were very short and curt, asking pointed questions, and ending the conversation when I'd achieved the answer from him. That seemed to be working great, at least on my part. Cuz anything lengthier, and I run the risk of getting an update on his love life, and I really don't want to hear it. It still has the power to make me angry, to roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of it all, the whatever it is that makes him feel like he has to assure me it all has a point. Today I let him go on a bit after he'd asked me some outrageous question about "why do women squirt"? WTF? Cuz they are grown and they can, I guess. I sent him a whole article, not understanding why it freaking matters. It's not a huge deal, and as I explained to him, now that I've acheived it (with another man not him, lol), it doesn't impact the pleasure of my orgasm. It just makes a big mess. I'm gonna have fun either way, and it isn't necessarily better if the mess is present. The article did say that it is an ego booster for some men. I guess if ya need that to feel good about yourself, more power to ya.
But today was another of those days that assured me, "Thank God I'm Not a Part of It Anymore" days. He's just so out of control, I'm glad I'm not the one that is getting hurt by it all anymore. It still bothers me that he needs all of that in his life still. Needs to run after countless women to boost his ego. Like, with his advancing age, he ought to be settling some. I just don't get it, I never did, and I probably never will. Why can't he simply be happy with a monogamous relationship? Why does he need to boink 5 different women a week??? LOL, I remember a few months ago he'd told me one of his big turn ons in our relationship was that I KNEW all about him, and stayed with him anyways. Unfortunately, he never asked me if it was a turn on for me. I know, let it go already, right? The problem was that I always SUSPECTED, but knowing for sure is an entirely different matter. When Malcolm and I talked about it, and Malcolm was like "Don't discount your feelings, you guys were in love. Even though he was cheating, he was still yours then, and came home to you." Hoo fucking ray, right? What a prize.
I had to say no to him today. No, I won't do that. No more cheating. I love Malcolm TOO MUCH to have guilty secrets like that. He may be able to carry on like it's nothing, but it eats away at me. I told him sometimes in order to fix something you had to quit it, and move on. His response? "I'll let you call the shots....for now." WhatEVER!!! I told him it would never be the same on the other side if he made me re-open the wound, made me re-examine the situation. He blithely thought it would all work out, and he'd get his cake back and get to eat it too. Sorry Mr., the force of my rage broke the leash, and this bitch is panting after a new dog now. I've found my "out" clause.
Well that, at least, is pretty funny.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Beautiful Day
Some days just stick out in your mind as being extraordinary. I had one of those days today. I started my day at 6 am, and for those that know me, understand what an ungodly hour that is for me. I'm SO not a morning person. But I got up, showered, tried to tame my now cowlick ridden mane into some kind of style, and got my daughter ready for school. What a great kid I have. She knew I had to be away this morning, so after we worked together to get her dressed and packed, she made sure to be on time for the bus and to school. Love you Jujubear! I got on the road and made my way to LL Bean, for an interview for a seasonal rehire position. The job search...I swear I've given up. So in order to get away from the 4 walls, I decided to go back to Bean's as sales. It was fun, pretty mindless, easy, and will occupy me while paying me marginally more than the unemployment office will. I did get the job, by the way, but won't be starting until November 3rd. So a couple more months of frolicking for me.
I was tired, when I got back home, but Malcolm called, to check up on me. He played hooky from work today, and I decided to help him out. Everyone should get to play hooky once in a while, and it's ever so much more fun with two. LOL I got to his house and it became another milestone in our relationship. Today was the day he introduced me to his family. And what a wonderful warm welcome I got. His mom was so sweet, and his daughter, home sick from school (although he and I both suspect it was another case of hooky), his daughter is just beautiful. So grown up and thinking she's ready to tackle the world. She'll have an amazing time of it, at least I hope so. We spent time talking about the little things, my looking through his jewelry box, him explaining his old photos and showing me who the people were. Baby pics of him and his kids, his sneaker collection, his bike...
I almost felt like crying for a bit. It was so amazing to not be on the outside looking in at his family. I LOVE being a real part of his life, it made me feel so loved and wanted. Especially knowing that he'd already talked to his family about me. I wasn't an unpleasant surprise, they'd already heard GOOD stories about me! He amazes me! We had to christen his bedroom, of course. LOL...just like two horny teenagers that can't help themselves even though their location is chancy...talk about the risk of getting caught! I for one am not really into getting caught having sex and being scolded for it, and the stipulation that we both had to be silent was a damper for both of us. If you take a screamer and a talker and you make them both shut up, LOL...you can imagine. I think a bit of leather to bite on might have made me feel better. No matter, it may have been subdued as far as our escapades go, but he's still the most amazing lover. He's so heartfelt and honest. And I know now, in my brain and heart...because his actions support his words that they are NOT just words. When he hammers into my brain that he loves me, when he shouts it into my mouth, and whispers it into my ear, I know he really really means it. We had our quiet time, the resting, rejuvenating, refreshing after time. The pillow talk time where we finished all the little ways of making love. And talking. And bonding. He's so easy to talk to, and he listens. His opinions always make me feel good inside, too. LOL, ever have a lover give you a heartfelt opinion and you get that sick little "oh my god he can't really believe that" feeling? Yeah, I had a few of those too, and they suck....so it's nice to be on the same page with someone. We even do that corny finish each others sentence thing. LOL
When hunger set in, we went to get sandwiches, and drove to the Eastern Prom to sit by the ocean and have lunch. I put all my myriad feelings about Eastern Prom away, and just enjoyed the day with him. It really is me and him now, no more ghosts, no more regrets, no more anger. I realized, watching the ships, and the gulls....that I am so content. When we are together, nothing else matters...it all just melts away. My biggest problem is that I have too much time on my hands and that's when the drama takes over my life again, and only because I'm so damn bored, it's a step up. LOL, no more. It's a new season, and the past is past. I'm sorry to let some parts of my life go, but the present is just too damn good to always be fretting over ANYTHING. So here is my new chapter, it's sunshine sparkling on the water, it's a warm hand sliding down my arm, it's a kiss on the back of my neck, and a full partner in my life for whatever I can need or imagine.
It's a beautiful day.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Entry for September 04, 2008
I do realize, in the rational part of my brain (which by the way has fled to the furthest corner these days) that Mr and I haven't been in a "relationship" since May...yeah, that was the official month even though he was carrying on his affair hot and heavy long before that. But the emotional part of me is reliving the awfulness of his actions every day, these days. I'm confused as to why this whole "letting it go" thing is beyond me right now. Even Malcolm, my voice of sanity, said I'm tending toward the unreasonable, yet tempered his words with his assurance that I have his love and support, and I have the right to feel this way(of course he sees it as a hormonal thing and is backing off while I have my "moment" LOL!). He wishes I would have left my anger where it was (on the bitch)....he thinks it was the right place to center it. He sees Mr as a victim of sorts. LOL, he does make me laugh to hear him go on, and I wonder what kind of things have happened in his past to feel so vehement about this situation.
I was the stupid one here. I let myself be sucked back into his world over and over again, letting the cycle not only continue but reset, in my mind and heart, all those feelings I need to get rid of. Maybe I thought I could correct mistakes that weren't even ones I had made. Maybe I thought I could show him how wrong he'd been, and what he was missing. None of it matters now. I started to think, the other day, about what would happen if he DID see the error of his ways. What was I expecting? Did I want him back, is that what makes me so damn furious? And the answer is a resounding NO. I've no doubt in my mind that he thinks he loves me. He's told me over and over again, and it wasn't always sex talking. He really believes that he does. Yet he doesn't understand how his love will destroy me in the end because his need of me is such that I would give everything I have to him until I don't exist anymore, become simply a shadow to his ever widening pit of needs and wants. I can never be sexual enough, or freaky enough, or giving enough, or intellectual enough to satisfy that gaping maw. No one woman can, as he's proven over and over again during his life.
I think perhaps my current rage and fury are the result of all the times I wanted to be angry with him, and instead, simply swallowed it for the sake of peace, and for the knowledge that to confront him was futile. The times we went to parties and he abandoned me so that he could go watch Red Sox up in our room. All that money spent and he couldn't even be bothered to stay by my side. Then he'd complain if we didn't hook up with someone, or worse, be furious if I hooked up with someone without him. It got to a point that I said fuck it, if he's gonna leave me on my own, then he has nothing to say about what happens after. He brought me to a goddamned swingers party, then abandoned me...what did he THINK the end result would be? Should I have moped in the room? New Years Eve, the party started at 7:00 pm, and he arrived at 10:30 pm...2 hours later than he promised. He had some story about a confrontation at his house he had to deal with, but I'm thinking it had more to do with his affair than not. He most likely was attempting to split his evening between two women, even though our plans had been made months ahead of time. We actually had a great time that night, after he apologized for his bullshit again. But I'd planned ahead for that one, to ensure it was incredible. Again, however, I'd had to lay the groundwork and make all the plans so that Mr, in his insufferable arrogance, could simply walk into the situation with absolutely no investments on his part and simply enjoy the situation that I had created for him. I don't suppose it bothered me so much then because I didn't have a basis for comparison.
Perhaps what really fuels my rage now is having Malcolm in my life showing me what I put up with and showing me what utter bullshit it was. Malcolm and I share everything like a real partnership...50/50. We share expenses (what an amazing feeling not shouldering the burden of the costs ALL THE FUCKING TIME), he helps with gas knowing that my situation is precarious at best, and he takes ownership at the parties. He treats me like his prize gem, a treasure to be cherished and someone to be proud of. I'm not his dirty secret, I can talk about him and I to anyone, anytime and it makes him HAPPY to know that I get excited about the prospects ahead of us. It's painful though to see how many stupid things you've done and put up with in your life. I can almost hear Judge Joe Brown looking at me and shaking his head...saying something about well, that's the cost of learning a lesson, and since it was an expensive one, make it stick. And yet I rage that in the end, my trust was abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately betrayed. I may be the one he claims to, above all else, Trust and Love, but I can honestly say that at this moment though he still has my love (against my better judgment), he certainly does NOT have any of my trust.
I was the stupid one here. I let myself be sucked back into his world over and over again, letting the cycle not only continue but reset, in my mind and heart, all those feelings I need to get rid of. Maybe I thought I could correct mistakes that weren't even ones I had made. Maybe I thought I could show him how wrong he'd been, and what he was missing. None of it matters now. I started to think, the other day, about what would happen if he DID see the error of his ways. What was I expecting? Did I want him back, is that what makes me so damn furious? And the answer is a resounding NO. I've no doubt in my mind that he thinks he loves me. He's told me over and over again, and it wasn't always sex talking. He really believes that he does. Yet he doesn't understand how his love will destroy me in the end because his need of me is such that I would give everything I have to him until I don't exist anymore, become simply a shadow to his ever widening pit of needs and wants. I can never be sexual enough, or freaky enough, or giving enough, or intellectual enough to satisfy that gaping maw. No one woman can, as he's proven over and over again during his life.
I think perhaps my current rage and fury are the result of all the times I wanted to be angry with him, and instead, simply swallowed it for the sake of peace, and for the knowledge that to confront him was futile. The times we went to parties and he abandoned me so that he could go watch Red Sox up in our room. All that money spent and he couldn't even be bothered to stay by my side. Then he'd complain if we didn't hook up with someone, or worse, be furious if I hooked up with someone without him. It got to a point that I said fuck it, if he's gonna leave me on my own, then he has nothing to say about what happens after. He brought me to a goddamned swingers party, then abandoned me...what did he THINK the end result would be? Should I have moped in the room? New Years Eve, the party started at 7:00 pm, and he arrived at 10:30 pm...2 hours later than he promised. He had some story about a confrontation at his house he had to deal with, but I'm thinking it had more to do with his affair than not. He most likely was attempting to split his evening between two women, even though our plans had been made months ahead of time. We actually had a great time that night, after he apologized for his bullshit again. But I'd planned ahead for that one, to ensure it was incredible. Again, however, I'd had to lay the groundwork and make all the plans so that Mr, in his insufferable arrogance, could simply walk into the situation with absolutely no investments on his part and simply enjoy the situation that I had created for him. I don't suppose it bothered me so much then because I didn't have a basis for comparison.
Perhaps what really fuels my rage now is having Malcolm in my life showing me what I put up with and showing me what utter bullshit it was. Malcolm and I share everything like a real partnership...50/50. We share expenses (what an amazing feeling not shouldering the burden of the costs ALL THE FUCKING TIME), he helps with gas knowing that my situation is precarious at best, and he takes ownership at the parties. He treats me like his prize gem, a treasure to be cherished and someone to be proud of. I'm not his dirty secret, I can talk about him and I to anyone, anytime and it makes him HAPPY to know that I get excited about the prospects ahead of us. It's painful though to see how many stupid things you've done and put up with in your life. I can almost hear Judge Joe Brown looking at me and shaking his head...saying something about well, that's the cost of learning a lesson, and since it was an expensive one, make it stick. And yet I rage that in the end, my trust was abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately betrayed. I may be the one he claims to, above all else, Trust and Love, but I can honestly say that at this moment though he still has my love (against my better judgment), he certainly does NOT have any of my trust.
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