Back on Track

Malcolm and I have had more opportunity to talk this past week, and it has been fantastic. I realize that when I spend time away from him, in body and spirit, I tend to allow myself to get caught up in Mr's drama over and over. It's not a healthy thing for anyone. Today we had a great talk about everything....but centering on us again, and what we are doing...where we are going.
I miss spending time with him, even if it was just phone time. He was so great at helping me shift my perspective, center myself, and just be an overall better person. When I don't talk with him for long periods, my doubts take over again. My inability to trust that I AM enough for someone, that I am beautiful enough, I am smart enough, engaging enough to have someone WANT me to be theirs. It's an old hurt that was aggravated by the breakup. But I do realize, more than anything now, that there were alot of things in that relationship that just weren't in my favor. It's not like that with Malcolm....when we actually get to spend time with each other. I told him about how I'd always felt like a dirty secret in the past, and that was why the Jill thing had kind of rubbed me the wrong way. He knows, but like he pointed out...this isn't the past, it isn't the same people, and the scenario isn't the same. I don't have to hide anything with him. I can be as open and happy and out there with him as I wanna be. He's very cool with it. It's what I always wanted....now I just have to accept that I have it, and it's real.
I was having a conversation yesterday with BFF, and we were talking about Malcolm....about how the doubts were killing me. Those words...they thrill me and haunt me at the same time. I LOVE to hear him tell me that he loves me. I'm terrified it's not real....and that's my past that's coming up to choke me again. Mr points out that I always make Malcolm sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, when we are together, he is everything I've ever dreamed about in a man. This month long separation of ours has been very harsh on both of us, and we both had lots of doubt to sort out. I learned to tune out the other chatter I was getting....because it made me crazy. Malcolm and I never said we were on the marriage mart, never talked about lifelong commitments and undying love. BUT, we have an amazing time together. He genuinely likes being with me, and I can claim the same for being with him. We are cautious, I think, because we both have some lingering baggage....me more so than him. The group was something I'd thought up a couple of years ago, and at the time, I'd always dreamed it would be Mr & I leading it, and having the time of our lives. But it won't happen that way, and the lucky part is that Malcolm has the knowledge, personality, and desire to step into the role, if we can coordinate ourselves. Our biggest problem is distance. I feel like I'm handicapped because I don't live in his city. Perhaps I should consider moving...at least the job market there is better, and I wouldn't have to freaking commute. Unfortunately, I can't get up and move like that because I do have commitments here...to my mom. And Malcolm gets that too, because he has the same exact thing.
We've made a commitment to this Thursday night, to host BBW Thursday together as a couple. I so want to have a great time, and now I know I will because he'll be there to make sure it happens that way. He's a good friend, an amazing lover, and an overall great guy. We just need time to see what all our possibilities are. And now that we are talking again on a regular basis, that can happen.