Where Am I?

This week my past is back to haunt me. Not in a figurative manner either....it's live, in person, and sitting in my living room burping, using the remote control, and sitting like Al Bundy. After 3 or 4 years, I don't even remember because I stopped counting, Jujubear's father decided to come up and spend some time with his daughter. My head is killing me.
It's not that it's going badly, precisely. It's just all the little digs, the little insults, the same ones he used when we were together. Trying to constantly put me down, remind me that I'm not good enough for him, or pretty enough, or slim enough. I'm not falling for it because I know better. I'm with a man that loves me for me, now. Not who he thinks I SHOULD be, and not who he is waiting for me to become. But damn it just gives me a headache.
These past couple of days have reminded me in 1000 ways why I left that behind to start over. I was tired of being degraded in subtle ways. I was tired of being taken for granted, tired of being put on the back burner, and tired of being insulted. Eleven years of tired. Well, and then he just cheated, although if you ask him about it, that was my fault too because I drove him to it because I couldn't satisfy his needs. Whatever. No, it isn't the big stuff that is making me appreciate Malcolm 6 times as much. It's watching baby daddy in the supermarket walking 16 paces ahead without any thought to how hard it is to keep up with him with my stubby legs, and remembering how Malcolm always walks WITH me, his hand on my waist, or my hand in his. He matches his gait to mine to convenience me. He doesn't ask me to hurry up, or get a move on. He just is....and is with me. It's watching Baby Daddy sit in the car and wait for me to pump the gas. Malcolm ALWAYS does that for me, says it's HIS job. LOL....and only because he knows the fumes bother my breathing. It's watching Baby Daddy bark at me to fix something for breakfast while he sits his ass down and waits for it. Malcolm always does it WITH me so that it becomes yet another activity we get to do together. It's knowing that Baby Daddy will pick out a movie I can't stand because he wants to see it. Malcolm always chooses movies we can watch TOGETHER, not that we've ever finished a one of them.
Baby Daddy & I don't have a sexual relationship anymore, even though everyone and their brother is sure I'm boinking my brains out with him this weekend. The truth is that we barely had sex when we lived together...god only knows how I got pregnant. Must have been from the ONE time we actually did it that month. He's never really been interested in sex. It was too much work, and he didn't like getting dirty. He doesn't like to think about my pleasure either, because he figures either I'll cum or I won't. Malcolm has taught me a world of difference in being with a lover that cares for you, and for your pleasure. I can't let myself go back to anything less.
I miss Malcolm something fierce right now, and I HATE that we live so long apart. Even the distance for the last 5 years with Mr didn't get to me like it does now. I want more, more often. I need him curled around me, I want his voice in my head 24/7. I want to feel his breath on my lips, and feel his warmth flowing through me. I want him in my bed every night, his kisses on the back of my neck lulling me to sleep. I really, honestly fell in love last weekend. The good part is that it signals that I'm really moving on in my life. The bad part, I suppose is that I've had to perhaps rearrange some feelings for alot of other people. One in particular.
Refocusing my anger onto the right person has unleashed a maelstrom of fury I didn't know I was still holding on to. I've told Mr. I have to put him on the back-burner right now, not only because I need to step out of the drama, but because if I speak to or of him right now...I'll be unreasonably bitter. I'm so FUCKING ANGRY, so angry at him for being such a player, and so damn angry at myself for allowing myself to continually get sucked into the game over and over again, even fueling the game at times. As if I could win. That will never happen because it's a losing game for me. He wanted this...he wanted me to do this. I don't think he can even begin to fathom what the outcome will be. Did he count on the fact that making me give up my anger and hatred of her would transfer all that feeling, multiplied by 10, onto HIM? This is the blackest, deepest, most venomous rage I've ever felt towards someone in a very long time. It'll never be the same on the other side, BFF.
I need Malcolm now.

What IS the Real Story?

So Mr & I, and then Malcolm & I sat and tried to figure what got under my skin about Mr and...
It's not the moving on, because I've done that and I'm really happy about where I'm going. It's not jealousy because he's always had someone that he was cheating with, so I'd resigned myself to that long ago. No, it really isn't her at all. It's what Mr did way back in the beginning with his stories and embellishments. Unfortunately, she is really just taking the story she was fed and running with it.
So granted there are times I poke the bear. But I poke the bear because I see so many blatent untruths to the story. Things like he and I were just friends, or that he just wanted to be friends cuz we were better that way, things like he and I didn't actively participate TOGETHER in the lifestyle, that he was just accompanying me so I wouldn't be alone. BLAH, whatever. Things like he wanted to quit the lifestyle cuz he'd had it and wasn't happy with it. LOL. I understand Mr., but it doesn't mean he doesn't fuck up at times. And he really did with these...stories. He made me look like a clinger-on, a pathetic ass that tried to tie him into a relationship he wasn't willing to participate in. Yah, ok then. That is the true source of my anger, and it had become time that I take that anger out on the right person.
What he and I shared wasn't perfect. Nobody's relationship is perfect. But I persevered thru alot of the bullshit, and Mr & I had come to a pretty nice spot together. We were in love...somedays now I think we still are. But that's the byproduct of a longterm thing. I don't think you ever really stop loving someone. Hopefully though, you can put it into perspective and be friends, avoid the animosity. We had a good thing tho, and he was an equal partner, sharing all the joys, sadnesses, angers, and ecstacies with me. Will it ever be there again? No. He destroyed my trust in his ability to care for my heart that way, so no. He knows all this. And he agreed to make amends to me by telling the truth, for once. I know this has caused some pretty turbulent feelings in his relationship. BFF, Thank you for doing this for me because I needed it in my life to move on too. I was stuck, feeling like I needed to somehow redeem myself from what you'd said...all the time. I am liberated now.
Now, the hard part.
JW, I hope you can understand how this has made me incredibly angry since the beginning. Think how you would feel if suddenly the best part of your life for the last five years came to a crashing halt, and the word on the street was that it sucked anyway. Think how much angrier you would be when you were assured by your now ex better half that it really was great, and he'd never said differently. That he still cherished it, and you.
You and I, we will most likely never be friends. However, I am here, now, in this moment saying that I have been very harsh, and I am sorry. Because sometimes you deserved it, but alot of times you did not. He did. I'm still dealing with alot of rage issues, and I know it. My new partner knows it, and thankfully has the temperament to understand and be patient with me while I get over it. It's not easy to be replaced, especially when you never saw it coming. But I can't change what has happened, and my life isn't worse for it. If you are what he needs, what it takes to make him happy, then I love him enough to wish you success. We will have to interact in the future, because the community that you have chosen to become a part of is not that large. I choose to go forward and not have to feel sick anymore, to not even be able to smile at my best friend when I see him with you for fear of making you angry. He is with YOU. You don't need to worry that I am trying to make that change.
Peace.

Someone Tried To Save His Life...LOL

When I think of those East End lights, muggy nights
The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs
Prima Donna lord you really should have been there
Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair
And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore
We've all gone crazy lately
My friends out there rolling round the basement floor

And someone saved my life tonight sugar bear
You almost had your hooks in me didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar-bound, hypnotized
Sweet freedom whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away, high away, bye bye

I never realised the passing hours of evening showers
A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams
I'm strangled by your haunted social scene
Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen
It's four o'clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive

And I would have walked head on into the deep end of the river
Clinging to your stocks and bonds
Paying your H.P. demands forever
They're coming in the morning with a truck to take me home
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight, someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
So save your strength and run the field you play alone

Day After the Day After

I had a heartfelt conversation with My BFF via the phone this morning. He was following up on a conversation he'd started last night when he called and woke me up from the sleep of the dead. He couldn't talk much last night because he was, well...BUSY. LOL Ya dog, you do make me laugh some times. But he did reassure me he wasn't angry, and that he'd had to exact damage control quickly because his date's words were getting loud and angry, and well....embarrassing him. Having a relationship with Mr is confusing. We still love because we talk about it daily. I am after all his "Dot in the Pocket". But what I've gained by leaving him and no longer being his girlfriend is the ability to still love him as my best friend and soul mate, and no longer be hurt by all his infidelities. Some men just are not happy with monogamy, and nothing you can say or do will change that. He's not a bad person, just a greedy one. LOL I love my current boyfriend. We have really bonded and shared ourselves to a new level after this weekend, and I would never want to hurt him. It has come to a point where the men must meet, be introduced, and see what happens from there. What I love about Malcolm is his ability to take care of me and love me for who I am. He provides for me, protects me, coddles me. And he accepts my relationship with Mr for what it is, and all it is. It's come to a point, though, that I want him included. I don't want to hide anything from Malcolm, I don't want to "cheat". I wish it could be a foursome, but that will never happen until Mr finds a compatible girl. Meanwhile, introductions will be made, and the three of us can be friends.

I Won!!

It's a very simple statement. I win! I won! And it is so appropriate to me right now because I won so much last night that it was mind altering. Last night was beyond any experience I've ever had, with Mr or since him, and Malcolm and I....wow. Wow, we really took our relationship to the next level.
So what did I win? Well, first and foremost, the night of my life. It was a new group of people, and being there with Malcolm was the best. He smoothed the path with everyone, was entertaining, was solicitous of me in every respect, and made sure my EVERY want, EVERY need was taken care of before I could even name it. He was by my side, holding me, kissing me, claiming me, and relaxing me every minute of the night. He even poked the bear for me, what a doll! If I decided I was "into" something...or someone, he went to arrange it for me. Nobody said no to him....he is magical. I really, honestly can say I love this man.
What else did I win? I won the esteem of a whole new group. I was their darling last night, and I so treasure my new friendships. In particular, one new friend I've been cultivating that had the opportunity to be with Mr. She (and her husband) was my very special friend last night, and more than anything, vindicated my thoughts and feelings about bitch being a poser wannabe and not really having any true intent to enter the lifestyle as a bifem. My friend went on a "date" with them, and picked it out right away....the lack of interest seemingly about compatibility, yet after 7 months of partying every weekend and still not a full encounter to talk about...it was very clear to both husband and wife that the real intention is about mimicking me, and controlling Mr. ..... Poor Bastard. Malcolm says he feels sorry for him. I was sorry I'd had to ignore him because it's not right. He's my bff, and though I was trying to avoid a confrontation, I only succeeded in I don't even know what. What is true though is that half the room saw the dirty looks she shot to my special friend and her husband, AND to Malcolm. I never saw those looks because I refused to make eye contact. I'm glad I missed them because I may have become angry that anyone would dare disrespect my date like that. It made for some interesting conversation after they left, anyways. I refused to comment and infuse an already loaded situation with more drama, but Malcolm said he finally understood what I'd been saying all this time, and my special friend and her husband supported me and vindicated me.
We've been invited back to the next party by our hosts who loved us. And we love them too. What a great pair, and honestly, much love to them for doing what they do. We hope to return their kindness 10 fold. I'm still reeling with everything that last night was. I'm exhausted...we got there at 8:30 and left around 3:45 am. Got to sleep around 5 am.... It was the best night of our life.
Mr knows last night was a disaster for him socially. I'm sad he had to leave before someone could make a total ass of herself...over what I have no Idea since I was there with my own escort. Perhaps the reality that I'm a popular fun girl was too much to take. That my man is hot beyond reason was too much to digest, that my experiences eclipse her every imagining was overwhelming. Malcolm thinks that she is just so bitter and angry that she doesn't want me to have anything, hence her dagger eyes at him and my special friend. It was juvenile, and unfortunately the Maine Lifestyle Community is quite small, and people have long memories of Who creates Drama, and Who creates Pleasure. There really was no contest in light of that criteria. My record in the lifestyle speaks for itself.
But I am 10.00 richer!!!!! LOLOLOL
-----

Anticipation

A part of me is worried that I'll jinx it...like I did the last Merava Party. But I can't help but put into writing my hopes and giddy feelings about tomorrow night. I anticipate an unbelievable evening, with Malcolm making it every bit as mind blowing as an event can be. He is the universal ambassador, so smooth, so sure and easy going. A girl can't help but have an amazing time with him in tow...he's a natural. He delivers. And he's so damn easy on the eyes.
Today Mr & I had a conversation about tomorrow because, as it was inevitably bound to happen in the small community we both belong to in Maine, we have both decided to join this event. I confess, I was nervous when Malcolm & I made the final decision. But it's him & I this time, no worries, no hangups. I'm leaving my baggage outside the door when I arrive, and the night belongs to unbridled pleasure. I promised to behave in the best and only way I know how....by being myself and having an amazing time. When I'm at one of these events, and things go really well...I give myself over wholeheartedly, no holds barred. Mr once told me he loved me for being able to do that, to give of myself like that even when I'm nervous or scared. It is probably one of the best parts of me, and I'm looking forward to indulging it again. Malcolm makes it easy because it dazzled him too, made him love me too. And he loves to see me washed away with the moment until nothing in the room exists except what he is creating between him and I. There is so much that Malcolm and I want to do together. We talked about it the other day, what was most pressing on our minds....what we wanted to do more than anything, what our deal breakers for the evening would be. LOL...no messes was mine!!!
As far as Mr goes...you have my word that nothing will start with me. I know too many of these people to concern myself with causing havoc. I will be causing havoc anyways, just by enjoying myself and doing what it is I do. However, I did promise our hostess that I'd keep my mouth quite busy for the evening. I'll fore go the bear poking and leave it to you...you seem to be excelling at it of late. Well, you did learn from the best, did you not? LOL I sincerely hope Mr has the time of his life tomorrow night, enjoys himself immensely, satisfies his every craving and random wood, and leaves remembering why he loves the lifestyle to begin with even though he's questioned it so much of late. Peace, BFF.
OHH, and BFF....as to our earlier conversation....
I knew when I saw you at the Flower Convention, after I thought you'd gone home because the "Leather Girls" had called you Daddy one time too many, and the gay lead designers were glued to you like white on rice. I knew when you called me silly and told me you'd never just leave me like that. And I knew when you, even in the crisis of your homophobia, sat back at the table to enjoy one more bourbon with the "Leather Girls" because they were my friends, and it was important to me. It was 4 years ago, Sept. 11, at "our spot"....the Sheraton. So yeah... "I Remember the Time". Oh, and 4 years later...I'm still lusting after that freaking mattress!!!!

Avalon

Lately my blog and page have been as easy to find as the mythical Isle of Avalon from Arthurian Legend. I was quite concerned last night that it might have gone for good....when on all my friends pages I was listed as "deleted". Thankfully, after much patience, it returned, missing a few comments and some hit numbers, but mostly intact.
It made me catch up my blogs on Myspace, knowing that someday I may have to stop blogging on 360 altogether and move everything to Myspace. But the truth is that I really enjoy this platform better, because, quite simply, it is so much more user friendly. I don't have to jump thru hoops to paste a picture in, I don't have to read a manual in order to get a link in. I couldn't even transfer the last blog over because the survey format has a table embedded into it, and Myspace can't handle it. Which is probably for the best because my nieces would read it, and there would be hell to pay at the next family gathering, with me catching much ribbing, and being laughed at emphatically. Aunties aren't supposed to have better sex lives than their nieces and nephews. Ahh, the arrogance of the young.
I wasn't overly worried about losing this page, because I have taken precautions over the last 8 months or so when I heard Yahoo was going to integrate all their profile formats into one. It's very exciting that they are doing so, but I also knew that there could be glitches, and I have too many blogs to want to lose it all. The writings may tend to the melodramatic, but they are a form of art for me, of expression, of psychotherapy sometimes, and a chronicle of my life over the last few years. The few people who know how important blogging is to me can appreciate how it would perturb me to lose it all because of my own inactivity. So these same blogs, in all their glorious content have been, over the last 6 months at least, posted on my Myspace page, for all those readers to enjoy as well. That page actually does have protected content because it wouldn't bode well for Mr.'s daughters and son to get verification of his shenanigans...and they are HIS friends. But my huge gaggle of friends has been having a great time with them. I thank those readers for their lively comments! You guys make me laugh out loud some days!!!
So, with the grace of Brahma, I am here to poke the bear another day. To laugh, and flirt, and tease on 360 until it sinks me under the sea, where I will sing with the Atlanteans on Myspace.
LOLOL

I Stole a Survey!

I'll admit, I saw it first on someone Else's page...and it looked fun. Thanks to bbwplayground for posting it first!

The Ultimate SEX Survey
Do you like it rough or sensual?:	Both
Do you prefer to be with the opposite sex or the same sex? or both?:	Both
How often do you like to have sex?:	Very Often
Is sex a top priority for you?:	Sometimes /at times yes
Do you have sex face to face with your partner?:	Yes I prefer
How often do you get drunk and have wild, crazy sexy with a complete stranger?:	Prefer to do it sober
How do you feel about one night stands?:	Do one night stands exist in the lifestyle?
How many one night stands have you had?:	1
What's your favorite position?:	Doggy Style
Where's your favorite place to have sex?:	In a cool or air-conditioned area, LOL!
Do you prefer to make love or f*ck?:	Both
Have you ever watched porn while having sex?:	Yes
How long do you usually fore-play b4 doing the deed?:	As long as the mood is still there.
Do you get off first or do they?:	Both, depending who I'm with.
Do you like kissing during sex?:	Yes
Do you moan? If so, are you loud or quiet?:	Loud by nature, quiet if I have to be though, which sucks!!
Do you prefer your partner to be loud or quite?:	I at least want to know they are having a great time too.
Does size matter (for girlz-- dicks/for guyz-- boobs)?:	Yes and no...has to be big enough to get in, but it doesn't have to be monster sized.
How old were you when you lost your virginity?:	19
How many sexual partners have you have in the last month?:	2
What does your favorite fore-play include?:	Almost Everything
Do you ever play with yourself during the act?:	Been known too.
Do you prefer to sleep with randoms or one person?:	One person that I am connected to and love.
Have you ever done anal? If so, did you like it?:	YES and YES!!!
When and where was your wildest sex ever?:	Toss up between the Pool Swing and Merava NYE.
What's your ultimate sexual fantasy?:	Don't know anymore, discovering new stuff all the time.
Have you ever done porn?:	No
Have you ever had sex for money?:	No
Have you ever bribed someone to sleep with you?:	No
Is the sex still good when you're cheating?:	It can be.
During sex... what are you thinking about?:	Lots of things, my mind wanders and hopefully my partner is good enough to keep me focused. Sexual ADD?
Do you prefer the top or the bottom at first?:	Bottom
How many positions do you like to do during one episode?:	Many
Do you ever worry about how you're pleasing your partner?:	All the time, I LOVE doing an amazing job.
Could you live without sex?:	No.
How often do you find sex boring?:	When you're taking one for the team.
How long does a typical sexual episode last for you?:	Depends on the partner!
Do you like to perform oral sex?:	Oh hell yeah!
Do you like to receive oral sex?:	OMG, I do now!!!
Have you ever taped yourself in the act?:	Yes
Have you ever had a 3-some? 4-some? 5-some?:	I don't think we ever did a 5-some.
Have you ever had interracial sex?:	Yes
Have you ever been caught in the act? If so, by whom?:	Yep, my high school friends parents, and another time, my daughter.
Have you ever had sex while at work?:	N/A
Have you ever had sex while at school?:	College...my god it was a free for all there!
What is something that you would never consider doing?:	Anything that would hurt a child.
Have you ever had sex on drugs?:	Yes
Would you ever have sex in public?:	Yes
What's your biggest turn on?:	Having my neck or upper shoulders bitten hard.
Do you spit or swallow?:	depends
How many times have you gotten off in one night?:	I had to stop counting to focus on breathing.
Would you let other people watch you have sex live?:	done that
Have you ever had sex in front of your best friend?:	Yes, my partner was my best friend, but he did watch me with others, and LIKED it.
Have you ever had sex with your best friend's b/f or g/f?:	No
Do you ever have sex in the shower?:	not often
What's the weirdest place you've ever done it?:	Cemetery :)
What was the biggest age difference with a partner?:	11 years
Do you feel you're up to par in bed?:	Yes
Are you still gonna have sex when your 70?:	Absolutely
What was your most embarrassing sexual moments?:	LOL, those that know, know..but I'm not putting THAT into public record!
How old is "too young" to have sex your in opinion?:	15
Do you like to be completely naked or half-assed?:	Both
Have you ever done it at your grandparent's?:	no
Have you ever done it on a boat/yacht?:	no
What's the most public place that you can think of that you've had sex at?:	Fire Escape in Philly
Do you like having sex in cars? If so, driver seat, passenger, or back?:	No, unless it was my van.
Do you wear protection as often as you should?:	Yes
Has any of your one night stands resulted in a child that you know of?:	No
If your over 18, have you ever had sex with someone under 18?:	No
Do you prefer to sleep with someone older or younger than you?:	Older
What's the perfect size? (for girlz-- inches in dicks/for guyz-- cup size)?:	8 ish is really comfortable..big enough to fill ya up, not so long it knocks the back out.
Have you ever done bondage sex (chains,whips,etc.)? If not, would you?:	Yes
Have you ever slept with someone out of pity?:	Yes
Can you remember who gave you the best sex of your life?:	Yes, he still does!
If you could sleep with ANYONE, who would it be?:	I don't know...offhand, have to really think about it because both my ex and my current are 10's.

Must Be the Stars In My Eyes....

I can't say enough good things about the Tribute band Yellow Brick Road. ( http://www.tributetoeltonjohn.com ) They played the Balloon Festival this year, and WOW is really the best way to sum it up. We went this year, and even the backdrop to the concert was incredible. It was Moonglow, and the two huge balloons, the dragon and the panda, were inflated, glowing, and seemingly dancing along with the crowd. And WHAT a crowd!! Mr missed a good one this year...oh well, his loss! The rest of us had an unbelieveable time, with the organizers of Top Hats coordinating the sound for the show. Off to bed now, tomorrow is another HUGE day....

So Much FUN!!

OMG we had so much fun frolicking on the beach yesterday. LOL! I've not seen that many people crowded into such a smallish place in a long time, but everyone was so happy just to be out in the SUN. Even me, with my deathly pale skin, my penchant for burning in the moonlight...I couldn't have been more ecstatic about being out, and swimming, and being so free. Jujubear had a fantastic time. She's a natural in the water, always has been...just like her mom. She could swim without assistance when she was 2, and had done away with life preservers and floating devices by the time she was 3. I've always given her that freedom in the water because I recognize her potential and capabilities, while others have had heartattacks, including her dad. So we spent the whole afternoon jumping waves, body surfing, and then drying off in the warm sun. It was amazing! Well, I could have done without the sand.
Of course Juju couldn't leave without going on a ride or two, and she used her tickets wisely. She's such a mature child, yet she still has a few moments of being a little girl. She was very sure she wanted to go on a big girl ride, but she stood and watched it for a few moments, and she became quite frightened, and made the decision, all on her own, that she just wasn't ready for that. Poor baby...too big for the little girl rides, and still too young for most of the big girl rides. She's so...in-between right now. And I love her so much!
I got to spend some time with Mr & Mrs D afterwards...Juju was so happy to see her "family" again. I guess that will never go away...that we've come to a point that transcends "he said she said" to a place where we just are, almost like we're suspended, and timeless. It's odd, but he's relentless, and I can't run from him because he'd just come after me, grab me by the ankle, and haul me kicking and screaming back into his life. How do I know this? He's already done it once. LOL. Plus we have our project that we're working on, and his procrastination is killing me. I'm suspecting I'll have to go rape thru his house and just get the damn paperwork myself. Just like old times...MWAHAHAHA!
He wanted to introduce me to his daughters, which was redundant because we'd already met at his "coronation". But I'm glad I passed because good ole Brother...yes THE BROTHER, has apparently been calling me all sorts of wild juicy names in the past few months since "The Incident". I'll give Mr a bit of time to address the situation on his own, but this one does not go unaddressed. After everything, I certainly don't deserve the awful names he's assigned to me, and spread to Mr's daughters. No wonder Bubbles looked at me with a crooked eye the last time we were there. Shit, it's a wonder he was even civil.
This weekend is shaping up to be amazing fun. Friday is the free concert, Saturday is the Highland Games, and Sunday, my brother is performing at the Balloon fest. Every morning and evening, the beautiful balloons will fly over my house, and Juju and I will be outside to wave and cheer. Next weekend of course, Malcolm and I will be partying on Saturday. New crowd, should be interesting. But then, just having his company is always a joy, and finding another couple or single to add into our evening will just be a bonus to our already amazing evening. I hope to see lots of my friends at the festival this weekend, and hope to meet many more new ones next weekend when Malcolm and I debut at our first swing party together.

Quotes for the Day

"Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

Author Unknown

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."

Robert Heinlein

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"Stupidity is a personal achievement which transcends national boundaries."

Albert Einstein

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."

George Bernard Shaw

I have to say I laughed out loud today when I found these. Anywho, I'm taking my big beautiful self to the big beautiful beach with my big beautiful child, and having a big beautiful time. Cuz that's how I roll! LOLOL

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

For the umptienth time in the last 5 years, my sister held an intervention for me. She felt it was time to attempt to persuade me, yet again, to move away from my mother, and let nature take it's course that way. The thought has been creeping into my own mind more and more over the past few months because, in honestly, my next job will more than likely be in Portland. And my relationships are in Portland.
It is very hard to carry on a consistent romantic relationship with someone that lives 45 minutes away. You can't do that evening thing, the quickie thing, the spontaneous thing. Every damn thing has to be preplanned, and then you run the risk of your special someone getting bored and fed up with their long distance girlfriend, and finding a local, convenient OBC to fill their free evenings with. It sucks, but it's the nature of men to find what is easiest to them and exploit it.
I consider what I would spend on gas and tolls to get to work, and then on rent in Portland, which after searching last night, I'm not feeling really positive about the experience. Rent there is astronomical, and enough to break the horses back, so to speak. But I'll be making some inquiries down there this week to see if there is anything else that might be negotiated. It's a bit exciting, although I dread leaving my big beautiful 3 bedroom apt with eat in kitchen, double living room, front & back porch, and heat included.....sigh. I love this apartment even though I can't keep it neat. Maybe because it has so much potential. Well that and I despise moving.
So I have to consider the gains and losses if I do move. Financially, moving for me might be a better option. The rent we collect from the building will pay for taxes and future repairs, and might even be able to subsidize my mom in a home. Who knows. In Portland, there are so many opportunities. My significant other is there, jobs are there, so many fun things for Jujubear to do are there. My family was a little taken aback when I mentioned I'd been thinking of moving to the greater Portland area...they were only thinking across town after all. LOL! But whatever I decide, it won't be a rash decision, or based on hurt feelings. It will be the best for my family and for me in the end. LOL, and poking the bear some won't hurt too much either.

Another Decision

Back in February, when my boss, my fellow manager and I were sitting around talking about what we would do if the layoff were us, I was definite about what I would do. "I'd wait to qualify for insurance that would cover the lap-band surgery, then run and have it done!" I think some cosmic guide heard the conviction in my voice and said, ok Baby, you asked for it. Because of course it was me that got the axe. It took a while longer than anticipated to be able to qualify, because I'd actually....!!GASP!! planned ahead for my unemployment by stashing my sizeable tax return and my stimulous check in order to stretch my comfort. Now that the bottom has dropped out, so to speak, I am again an insured human being.
It was my first thought after qualifying, and has been on my mind constantly since getting insured. Why? Because sitting around the house has helped me find ridiculous amounts of extra weight I certainly didn't need to begin with. Because I'm not employed, and having surgery wouldn't disrupt me in any way. Because without a doubt, it would be easier to be employed, and to convince people of my capability if I were thinner, as try as they might, they are still prejudiced towards the obese.
I'd decided quite firmly I didn't want my guts chopped up. I don't want the roux-en-y bypass surgery, even with the recommendation of the surgeon here in Lewiston. Who, by the way, thought I was a monster for Wanting to weigh 200 lbs (my comfort goal). I'd be a failure in his otherwise untarnished study, and he refuses to perform the lap band on me because I'm TOO big. Whatever. The reality is that although advised because of impending, future health problems, this surgery is still elective, and as such, I feel that I should be able to pick my own god-damned form of torture. I realize that I'm perhaps too focussed on food, and that I'm ridiculous for not wanting to take the final definitive step, but the thought of never being able to enjoy a diet coke, or a coffee, or celebrate with Christmas Dinner, or taste my sister's cheesecake again...I mean....WTF? Food isn't everything, but raised French, like me, it is a huge part of the love my family shares. I want to have the option to taste, to snack. Never again to overindulge and glut, but at least to say yeah, I can have a bite of that.
So then the doubts start up... even before surgery I have to shed about 40 lbs, maybe more to qualify for the banding. So my rational mind peeps up and says, "Well stupid, if you can shed 40 lbs on your own, why in hell can't you just lose the rest and keep it off?" Keeping it off being the operative suggestion there. I've lost all my weight twice in my lifetime. Once in highschool, and again in college. In college, I didn't see how buff I'd gotten...I was 180, rock hard from walking EVERYWHERE, and stacked like a brick house. I had all kinds of attention, but in my mind I wasn't good enough....because I wasn't 115. That damn number. It's the same number the Lewiston surgeon threw at me as a final goal. FUCK YOU!!
So then I have...Malcolm. LOL, I can't help but laugh when I type his new pseudonym. Malcolm loves big girls. B I G girls...like 300 lbs and up. He's very against this procedure, just wants me to eat healthy and exercize, maybe firm up a bit. Well, he's got his chance I suppose, because I've got to shed the 40 on my own. He's intimated that he may not be so interested if I lose a whole bunch of weight. I don't think I can let that influence me to stay at my present state, because too many things hurt, like knees, and hips, and ankles. And it's harder to breathe, and move, and be spontaneous and fun. I would hope that he'd still care for me a little lighter.
BFF was ecstatic when I talked to him about it. He's wanted this for me for so long, and sometimes I wonder if my increase in size didn't contribute to his infidelities too. He swears no, but a girl has to wonder, especially knowing what turns him on on OBC, and watching porn. He'd even be willing to help with post-op if I needed it, so eager is he to have me take this step. He's a dear in his concern, and has been waiting for 5 years for me to do this. I guess I'll see if the Portland surgeon...just down the street from him, incidentally, will say yes to my wishes, or will try to make me conform to his wishes.
It's not a short road. I started today, and will continue for the next 2-3 months on my own until the tests are done, the classes are taken, and the first 40 lbs are off. After that, probably after the holidays, I'd have the surgery...2 days in the hospital, and 5 days post op remaining within range of the hospital in case of complications. So, a week off and then I'm back in the saddle! The laproscopic surgery is minimally invasive, and recovery is quite speedy. I'm still not 100% sure, but the very least thing I can accomplish is to try, and see how I feel when the final hour comes around.
I want to close by saying I love being a bbw. I love being lush, and curvy, and full. But I don't like being this large because I'm tired, and achy. There are all ranges of being a bbw, and I just want to be further down the scale so that I can have fun and be active again.
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The Dream

It was such a lovely dream. A hot guy, Foosball, drinks, music.....making love over and over again. We were both so tired, and it did seem like a dream, a beautiful dream that was fun before, during, and after.
It was the rest of the dream that was so bizarre.
Rain, pelting between the houses, cars driving by so loud, so many noises...pillows falling between mattress and headboard, tasting myself on him, blinking clocks, the fear that being away for the night would cause my universe to implode back home, and the fear that not having an out clause will make one half I've come to love give up on me. Not knowing how to make things different.
Imagine that how this is right now, is how it will always be, like nothing and no one will ever strip away the soul bond, no matter what we both do to each other. It's not about love anymore. It's gone so much deeper than that. I'm breathing his scent because it rolls out of MY skin....thats how far inside my head he's gotten...he's relentless.
Mr, I am so screwed....

Color Me Bad~ MWAHAHAHA

Tonight, tonight! I'm so very excited for tonight! As I was talking to Malcolm, finishing up the notices to the various groups, he was as excited as I am, finally getting to DO stuff, out in the world instead of just holing up and, well...ya know. LOL. No matter what happens tonight, whether people show up or not, it will be a night well spent in the company of my lover. He's so much damn fun, and we laugh so much and often. I love that about him, his ability to make me wheeze with laughter. He is so wholehearted about everything he does...something else I love. I don't feel like he has one foot ready to escape from me as soon as he hooks something else up. Mr drove me crazy with that shit...always chatting with other bitches while he was in my house. And no amount of talking to him made it stop. He'd just wait till I was doing something else. Malcolm, he always gives me his undivided attention and makes me feel like the most loved, important, wanted person he could possibly be with. It's a gift of his, I know he's like that with everyone. But I'm into it, and love that he uses it liberally with me.
We'll be sleeping in Portland tonight. How much trouble can we possibly cause with that? OMG, endless possibilities. LOLOL. This lifestyle journey with him is quite possibly the most fun I've ever had simply because there is NO PRESSURE. LOL, AND, he contributes to the work. He let me know he's been chatting with other couples too, so it doesn't all fall to my shoulders to produce. It's a relief. And the best part is that he loves one on one time, so if nothing goes down, GREAT! More time for us, LOLOL.
I'll deliver the starry eyed report tomorrow....after I fight thru the DHS tape with Mrs D. Wish me luck with that!
Yours,

Back on Track

Malcolm and I have had more opportunity to talk this past week, and it has been fantastic. I realize that when I spend time away from him, in body and spirit, I tend to allow myself to get caught up in Mr's drama over and over. It's not a healthy thing for anyone. Today we had a great talk about everything....but centering on us again, and what we are doing...where we are going.
I miss spending time with him, even if it was just phone time. He was so great at helping me shift my perspective, center myself, and just be an overall better person. When I don't talk with him for long periods, my doubts take over again. My inability to trust that I AM enough for someone, that I am beautiful enough, I am smart enough, engaging enough to have someone WANT me to be theirs. It's an old hurt that was aggravated by the breakup. But I do realize, more than anything now, that there were alot of things in that relationship that just weren't in my favor. It's not like that with Malcolm....when we actually get to spend time with each other. I told him about how I'd always felt like a dirty secret in the past, and that was why the Jill thing had kind of rubbed me the wrong way. He knows, but like he pointed out...this isn't the past, it isn't the same people, and the scenario isn't the same. I don't have to hide anything with him. I can be as open and happy and out there with him as I wanna be. He's very cool with it. It's what I always wanted....now I just have to accept that I have it, and it's real.
I was having a conversation yesterday with BFF, and we were talking about Malcolm....about how the doubts were killing me. Those words...they thrill me and haunt me at the same time. I LOVE to hear him tell me that he loves me. I'm terrified it's not real....and that's my past that's coming up to choke me again. Mr points out that I always make Malcolm sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, when we are together, he is everything I've ever dreamed about in a man. This month long separation of ours has been very harsh on both of us, and we both had lots of doubt to sort out. I learned to tune out the other chatter I was getting....because it made me crazy. Malcolm and I never said we were on the marriage mart, never talked about lifelong commitments and undying love. BUT, we have an amazing time together. He genuinely likes being with me, and I can claim the same for being with him. We are cautious, I think, because we both have some lingering baggage....me more so than him. The group was something I'd thought up a couple of years ago, and at the time, I'd always dreamed it would be Mr & I leading it, and having the time of our lives. But it won't happen that way, and the lucky part is that Malcolm has the knowledge, personality, and desire to step into the role, if we can coordinate ourselves. Our biggest problem is distance. I feel like I'm handicapped because I don't live in his city. Perhaps I should consider moving...at least the job market there is better, and I wouldn't have to freaking commute. Unfortunately, I can't get up and move like that because I do have commitments here...to my mom. And Malcolm gets that too, because he has the same exact thing.
We've made a commitment to this Thursday night, to host BBW Thursday together as a couple. I so want to have a great time, and now I know I will because he'll be there to make sure it happens that way. He's a good friend, an amazing lover, and an overall great guy. We just need time to see what all our possibilities are. And now that we are talking again on a regular basis, that can happen.

What a Fantastic Article I found

LOL, Karma always brings everything you need or deserve right at you! I may have been asked not to blog ABOUT someone, but at least my wisdom is validated by this fine author. My incredulity of actions like these isn't because I'm trying to break up anyone, it simply shows common sense and respect for someone I care about in my life. I would NEVER have broken MY partner's trust by doing this shit. I got his trust FIRST, and then he gave me all the permissions, reciprocal trust, and passwords I needed to see whatever I wanted. I never STOLE from him. This is how I am approaching my new relationship.
I don't need to break anyone up, I'm not interested. Whatever happens will be because of shit they did all on their own. Don't try to blame ME for shit ya shouldn't have done in the first place. What I will say, as a final word, is that if it all goes to hell in a handbag, it won't be because of me. My life goes on, with my new relationship. For good or bad, I've taken my chances with earning someone else's trust and love. Perhaps if people concentrated on what they HAVE, instead of trying to see what OTHER people have, their lives would be that much less miserable.
Six Relationship-Ending Dating Behaviors
These violations of trust will kill any relationship
By David Wygant Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jul 31, 2008 Finding the one to share a relationship with is a blessing. Once you've bonded with this special someone, keep in mind that respecting your partner's privacy and retaining trust are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. If you cross certain behavioral boundaries that violate your partner's trust, you may cause irreparable damage to your relationship. As a dating coach, I'm not usually a fan of hard and fast "rules" for relationships. I've, nevertheless, identified widespread behaviors which will likely end any relationship. So to help you ensure that you don't breach the "trust" boundary in your relationship, here are six detrimental dating behaviors that should always be avoided: 1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile ? The answer to all of these is "no!" You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails. 2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go. 3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again. 4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you. 5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner. 6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message. So even if you have some type of "intuition" that your partner is hiding something from you, it's better to engage in a confrontation with him/her openly rather than searching for answers secretly. Even if your partner doesn't respond to your attempts to talk about it the first, second, or third time, chances are that you'll eventually discuss it -- and the outcome of voicing your suspicions honestly with your partner will always be better than if your partner discovers you engaged in any of the behaviors I've talked about. No matter how much love exists in your relationship, it cannot survive without trust. Violating someone's trust will never take a relationship to a better place. In fact, by doing so, you may very well be single-handedly orchestrating the end of what could have been a fantastic relationship. Also, keep in mind that I didn't mention the most obvious relationship-ending behavior to avoid: cheating .