Shower of Gold

I realized this weekend that I love my life. It's not perfect....I'm still unemployed, still a terrible housekeeper, still fighting with how I see myself. But I would not trade one moment of anything that has happened, simply because every memory is worth it's weight in gold. Some of the memories make me cry still. Memories of my dad, killed too young don't have the power to cripple me like they did when I was young. But I wonder what course my life would have taken if I had had a father in my life longer than 8 years. Memories of Juju's dad make me sigh now, and feel a bit on the tard side for putting up with it for 11 years. Memories of his infidelity, the one I knew about and cautioned him against, the one with the aggressive woman who pursued him regardless of that fact that he was living with his pregnant girlfriend/fiance of 9 years. The memory of the crazy woman he hooked up with, that used to call my house, in the beginning like she would be my damn friend, asking me questions about him. I remember the FURY of thinking....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SLUT???. I also have the memory that he left her very shortly after I left him, because he realized too late that he did love me, and our daughter, and wanted us to be a family. He realized she was a slut, a crazy bitch, and within two months of my moving back to Maine, he had dumped her and realized everything I had ever told him was true. Why? Because I don't lie. Of course it was never the same after that...I even gave him a chance to prove he was serious. But he couldn't give me the very simple things I asked him for....Fidelity, Acceptance, and Love.
I remember taking a long break in between relationships, just focusing on being a mommy, and so loving it. It wasn't easy, but I had my family who supported me, even though they have their crazy moments too. My mom was there for me, and we helped each other out. I'll never forget that she showed me her unconditional love even though I had broken every one of her morals...I was a unwed mother with an interracial child. A grandchild, by the way, that she went out of her way to love above and beyond, and defend at a moment's hesitation, should the need arise. A woman who was raised to say "those negro people", rethought her vocabulary so that her granddaughter would never ever feel anything but special. Those memories, of a vibrant woman in love with a child, have the power to make me sob.
Memories of my five years with Mr sometimes still get to me, especially if he's goading me about them. But lots of them are becoming easier to talk and reminisce about. Yesterday, Malcolm & I went to Jill's, and we were watching some pretty lousy porn, laughing and joking. I remembered the day Mr was cruising the net looking for the nastiest stuff he could find...choking, puking, slapping...I swear he did it just to get to me. I remember thinking, I'ma get him good, and he'll be done with that shit. So he sat in my chair, and I got between his knees, took of my glasses, and let him know it was gonna be great....better than usual. After he fisted my hair and drove me down hard, I came back up, kinda snorted, hocked up a huge loogy, and spit it on him...just like in the video. He turned green, almost passed out, and screamed like a lil bitch. LOLOL, it was a total classic!!!! I don't remember him ever seeking out videos that featured that again, either. MWAHAHAHA!
Yesterday I made some great memories. The car ride was a great one, the conversation bringing history and depth to a blossoming relationship. I love hearing about Malcolm's life, understanding where he's been, what his experiences are. I don't worry about what I want to say, or how to say it. He listens attentively, and waits when I need time to find the words. He has an uncanny way of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, and knows how to extract the maximum amount of pleasure and happiness from me at any given moment. Memories of our time together give me chills because every bit of time I spend with him just gets better and better. I'm sure we'll disagree at some point, but for now our memories are like Danae's shower of gold.....beautiful, erotic, and dreamlike.