Pillowtalk

I love that quiet time afterward, the breath catching, sweat wiping, "Holy God was that the best EVER" moment that lovers share. I love breathing in the scent of his skin, and knowing that his scent is all over me, that his pheromone mark is going to be apparent to any male I pass, if only to their subconscious. I love listening to our heartbeats slow and synchronize, our breath slowing, inhaling and exhaling warmly, sweet breath reminding me of our frenzied kisses earlier. I love feeling his arm come around my back, and his hand stroking my spine while pulling me closer to him. I love playing with the various hairs on him, pulling them out and watching them spring back into their tight uniform little curls, sometimes white, sometimes black, but always fun. But I guess what I like the best of all is the quiet conversation that inevitably comes after la petite morte.
How much stock is one supposed to put into pillowtalk, or as some would call it "Talk on the Pillow". It seems one of those rare unfettered moments in life where all the barriers are down because you've just achieved something truly awe-inspiring with another being. I've heard that people say lots of things they absolutely don't mean during pillowtalk, but I've always considered it to be the most heartfelt truthful time between two people. It's the time we talk of hurts, small and large, and either laugh with each other or console and apologize. We talk of the future, of our fantasies not of sex but of life, those childish plans we made and built dreams around so long ago. We laugh, play, tease, and more than anything else, continue to make love in a variety of simple eloquent ways. A hand stroking down my face, tracing my eyes, a gentle kiss on his chest and a squeeze to express my need of him. Looking into his eyes and seeing his soul, his pain, his love, his patience.... I also always consider it the place where "I LOVE YOU" is sincere. That phrase can always slip out during sex (or sometimes be beaten out, LOL) and may not have any bearing in reality. I firmly believe, however, that if you can lay in your lover's arms, and say....."I do love you", and they maybe pause a minute....and then say it back... Well, call me naive and romantic, but I do believe they mean it then. And that moment, that capsule in time is what humanity, to me, is all about. Connecting with someone in a physical, emotional, and spiritual capacity, even if only for a split second is worth all the heartache, all the psycho bullshit, all the possible misery that life can bring on.
I'd be interested in how much weight people place in this time that I cherish so much. For me it is as necessary to my life as all the physical aspects, maybe more so. The physical stuff is great, it's WOW. But it fades, and sometimes it doesn't always work out because of whatever is going thru my maudlin little mind at the time. But that pillowtalk time renews me, it refreshes my essence, and it inspires all of my muses. I think I could say that you know you have love in your relationship when some of your everyday going about your business moments are as special as pillowtalk. There isn't any pretension there, no posing, no wanna-be issues. Just a man, and a woman, and all the magic they create between them as two beings trying to understand the mysteries of the universe.

Free At Last (Thank God Almighty)

I feel incredibly liberated by the fact that the evil cunt can't possibly get to my blog any longer. I can write anything I can dream and then some, without worrying about a phone call that would say "Dot, you know I don't give a fuck what you write, but you know, I get thrashed when you do this shit." Well, of course, if he would stand up and assert himself...yada yada yada, right?
Anywho, enough about that, and I can only look with adoring eyes towards my date this coming Wednesday. Yes, of course the blast message is worded to poke the bear, but it is about Malcolm, and me....and how we will spend a glorious day getting to know each other incredibly thoroughly. Malcolm has been quite an attentive partner, and not just sexually. He is so considerate in seeing to my emotional health as well. I really love that about him, the way he eases himself into my day, so relaxed and comfortable with a phone call and a text, or two, or twelve. LOL, I REALLY gotta get a texting plan. I love the way he becomes indignant on my behalf of the way the scene has played out with the raging bitch. Of his plans to be my escourt, and be the best date EVER. Like he could be anything less, EVER. He talks of magic nights exploring new places he wants to show me, of new experiences he wants to introduce me to, and I am starting to chomp at the bit....cuz waiting for TIME to accomplish all this is killing me. I want it all, NOW. LOL. And I love his impatience too. But life happens, kids come first, and in his case, so does a job. Me, I get the summer to play, apparently. But I only want to play with my new partner, and, well, maybe some friends in there too. I still love my life, I love my new adventure, and I LOVE my new freedom from worry. The fates, bitches though they may be, are starting to throw me some good stuff, and I'll take it!

Stoopid Psycho People

Yesterday I had some drama. I suppose I should count myself lucky that something took away the tedium of the day, and gave me something to get fired up about. But I don't, because my damn blood pressure, I tell you....
So Mr's psycho girlfriend went to great length to read my blog. I'd amended my security settings to "friends only" so that I could have my rant and not have Mr pay the consequences for it when she blew a gasket on him. I really do try to play nice in the sandbox. But her curiosity got the better of her, and she did a bad bad thing. LOL. She broke into Mr's yahoo account just so that she could read my blog, and apparently was so put out about it that she copied and pasted it onto HIS blog, so that when I got up yesterday, my friends updates showed his bald head next to MY words. That took me a minute to wrap my mind around. So here are the facts. Mr NEVER reads any 360 pages. When I write a blog about him, I send it to his blackberry so that he can read it. I know this, obviously she hasn't figured that out yet. Some of my blogs are rants that just need to get vomited out of my mind so that I can release the anger and frustration, or work thru something that will drive me crazy if I let it stew. Mr and I have had numerous conversations about it, and he totally understands, and doesn't give a flying fuck what I write. Indeed, he loves being a topic...it feeds his enormous ego. He'd told me the other day, however that he gets kick back from the psycho from my words, when they are on the angry side. Well, I get pissed, but I'm not really out to thrash anyone, and I told him to tell her to stop reading. She's been told in my blog several times to get the fuck out. But she told him she needs to read my blog so that she can see if he's cheating, cuz she doesn't trust him. As if I would allow myself to be used for her benefit!! I think not. That and the fact that she put him up to asking me if I was attending a party this weekend. Asked because she doesn't feel comfortable being in the same space as me. Why? She's a lying bastard coward that can't face the evil she's perpetrated. But how dare she make herself out to be the victim, true?
So came the last blog, born out of that fury. But to see it copied and pasted on his site....wow. My first instinct, which was correct, was that she wanted to destroy any last vestige of friendship he and I share. I know it, he knows it, and the cunt knows it. But the bottom line is that she hurt him more than I ever could. She violated his trust, OHHH AGAIN. She posted a blog that had no context on his page, and would only serve to make his other girlies wonder if he was gay. And she's made him rethink everything he's done since July of last year. In the meantime, he's had to placate me, because what I want is peace that comes from knowing I won't have to deal with a fuck cunt bitch anymore. It's already been too long as it is. So I had to delete him from my friends, and delete Walter, my friend of 6 years because the crazy SOB would have used her connection to him to get into my account as well. Walt and I were able to work out a solution because he's cool like that. LOL, and I'm glad to see Mr doubt his entire life right now. I may have moved on with a new guy, but I still care that Mr's life is going down the toilet. But, I have talked to and listed to some wonderful people...people like A&J, and Malcolm who have my best interests in their hearts. Mr & I can't continue the kind of friendship we have while the lunatic is in his life. Because it's not healthy for me. And, to be fair, I'm starting to see the toll he's taking of watching the progression of MY life with another man. We're both just really hacking away at each other, and it's just gotta stop. So we've rearranged our lives, again, to accommodate the psycho. I really am trying to feel like this is the right thing and not a defeat, or a running away. But at least I know that her line to me is severed.
The truth is that I really like the relationship I'm exploring. Malcolm knows how to make me laugh...alot. He's considerate, and meets most of my needs. I want to see where it goes, and I'm not into hurting him with holding on to the past. Will I love Mr any less? Probably not, but that should prove to Malcolm that when I give my heart to someone, I'm not fickle. Malcolm wants to go slow and enjoy the ride, and that suits me just fine.

Don't Read Me

I hate being used. I hate being used by men, and I especially hate being used by bitches who are spiteful, insecure, and jealous beyond reason. If I want to blog about a secret rendezvous, I will. If I want to blog about midnight drunken confessions, I will. If I want to go to some dance regardless of who's attending, I FUCKING WILL. If I want to blog about hopes and wants and needs, by GOD, I'll do it, and do it without some fuck reading to glean information on how to hold on to something she never had to begin with.
Malcolm, you are da man, I got mad luv for ya for listening and understanding, and saying those words that instantly made me feel vindicated. You amaze and delight me, and you are such a fantastic upgrade. I can't wait to thumb my nose at jealous bitches so they can see what a FRIGGIN hunk you are, and you are all mine. Not 50% mine, but 100% MINE. Let her see what she'll never be able to touch. THEN, Malcolm, we will take on YOUR Capulets, and shut them the hell up. Because you have ME, and they can't even hope to compete with my mind, with my mouth, and well, with that other thing you are so enamored with. LOL. You and me, baby...together against the assholes. Cuz yes...I belong to you. But so do you belong to me, because YOU said it, YOU told me so. I believe!

Shower of Gold

I realized this weekend that I love my life. It's not perfect....I'm still unemployed, still a terrible housekeeper, still fighting with how I see myself. But I would not trade one moment of anything that has happened, simply because every memory is worth it's weight in gold. Some of the memories make me cry still. Memories of my dad, killed too young don't have the power to cripple me like they did when I was young. But I wonder what course my life would have taken if I had had a father in my life longer than 8 years. Memories of Juju's dad make me sigh now, and feel a bit on the tard side for putting up with it for 11 years. Memories of his infidelity, the one I knew about and cautioned him against, the one with the aggressive woman who pursued him regardless of that fact that he was living with his pregnant girlfriend/fiance of 9 years. The memory of the crazy woman he hooked up with, that used to call my house, in the beginning like she would be my damn friend, asking me questions about him. I remember the FURY of thinking....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU SLUT???. I also have the memory that he left her very shortly after I left him, because he realized too late that he did love me, and our daughter, and wanted us to be a family. He realized she was a slut, a crazy bitch, and within two months of my moving back to Maine, he had dumped her and realized everything I had ever told him was true. Why? Because I don't lie. Of course it was never the same after that...I even gave him a chance to prove he was serious. But he couldn't give me the very simple things I asked him for....Fidelity, Acceptance, and Love.
I remember taking a long break in between relationships, just focusing on being a mommy, and so loving it. It wasn't easy, but I had my family who supported me, even though they have their crazy moments too. My mom was there for me, and we helped each other out. I'll never forget that she showed me her unconditional love even though I had broken every one of her morals...I was a unwed mother with an interracial child. A grandchild, by the way, that she went out of her way to love above and beyond, and defend at a moment's hesitation, should the need arise. A woman who was raised to say "those negro people", rethought her vocabulary so that her granddaughter would never ever feel anything but special. Those memories, of a vibrant woman in love with a child, have the power to make me sob.
Memories of my five years with Mr sometimes still get to me, especially if he's goading me about them. But lots of them are becoming easier to talk and reminisce about. Yesterday, Malcolm & I went to Jill's, and we were watching some pretty lousy porn, laughing and joking. I remembered the day Mr was cruising the net looking for the nastiest stuff he could find...choking, puking, slapping...I swear he did it just to get to me. I remember thinking, I'ma get him good, and he'll be done with that shit. So he sat in my chair, and I got between his knees, took of my glasses, and let him know it was gonna be great....better than usual. After he fisted my hair and drove me down hard, I came back up, kinda snorted, hocked up a huge loogy, and spit it on him...just like in the video. He turned green, almost passed out, and screamed like a lil bitch. LOLOL, it was a total classic!!!! I don't remember him ever seeking out videos that featured that again, either. MWAHAHAHA!
Yesterday I made some great memories. The car ride was a great one, the conversation bringing history and depth to a blossoming relationship. I love hearing about Malcolm's life, understanding where he's been, what his experiences are. I don't worry about what I want to say, or how to say it. He listens attentively, and waits when I need time to find the words. He has an uncanny way of knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, and knows how to extract the maximum amount of pleasure and happiness from me at any given moment. Memories of our time together give me chills because every bit of time I spend with him just gets better and better. I'm sure we'll disagree at some point, but for now our memories are like Danae's shower of gold.....beautiful, erotic, and dreamlike.

Under My Umbrella

Rihanna] You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed
Come into me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

[Chorus]
When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

It's raining
Ooh baby it's raining
Baby come into me
Come into me
It's raining
Oh baby it's raining
I'm not much of a top 40 listener at this stage of my life. I like my stuff...like the Dead, like the Opera, like the Celtic stuff....like my Maxwell and Janet. I'm a Frank or BLM listener for the most part, and only turn it to the Q 97.9 if my daughter is fussing for it in the back seat of the car. But I caught this song a while ago...and it got on my damn nerves....the ella, ella, ella shit. LOL But the girl is just stunning, so beautiful, so sexy and lucious to look at that I was mesmerized. And all of a sudden it grew on me and I got past the ella ehh eh eh and heard the lyrics. "Said I'll always be your friend, ima stick it out till the end". Ouch.
We'd made those vows to each other once, that no matter what, no matter who, we'd always be friends. But I never realized just how hard sticking to a vow can be when you're mad, and hurt, and wanting to lash out. So, after some talk, and some thought, I've realized that I have been poking the bear again. I have a god given right to poke the bear...because lord knows he's poked this bear with his actions as well. But we all have DERRR moments. And the reality is that he's still my best friend, and I need to be happy for him, no matter my feelings on his choices. I've had other friends that make bad choices in life. I get exasperated, and roll my eyes, sometimes chuckle at their motivations. But I'm still their friend, and they, even after sighing at my own far fetched shenanigans, are still friends with me. My friends Jon & Ange...say my life is better than the Bold & the Beautiful, that my memoirs will sell millions. Jon sighs, gets in some "Get OUT"'s, some "ohhhh Dots", and then laughs and we move on to the next topic. Ange, well, she'll get the "For FUCK's SAKE!" in (my words, btw), and we'll have a great laugh over it.
So our reality is? It's that we've both moved on to other relationships now. I don't love him any less, that's what keeps me sharp, of course, and a little bitter. My new man is patient, he understands the depth of my feelings, and he's willing to work with me to get to the other side. Mr doesn't have that luxury, and I'm sorry. Love doesn't evaporate after 5 years, just a fact. If it did, it wasn't real to begin with, and no matter what happened, no matter how many shenanigans on both our parts, I don't doubt the genuine-ness of the feelings we both shared. Yes, I'm definitely liking my new relationship...it's a good fit so far, and he's a good guy. Mr has way more grace than I do in being able to be happy for me and wish me love and luck on the journey. So this blog is about returning the favor. I wish you love and luck on the journey. We are now both hurt, and both thinking about the past. It sucks, doesn't it? Be happy, Mr. I want you to be. I may not be able to be magnanimous with your choice of significant other because of the way it all came about, but for you I can be civil, and just focus on what I'm doing, hoping, in the back of my mind that you are getting what you need. I walked away from being your lover, and you agreed with my choice. I'm still your friend, gonna stick it out till the end.

Surviving a Merava-Over

Two days later the hangover and the headache have finally subsided. I have mixed feelings as I remember this weekend...
On the one hand, I laughed like a banshee, made merry with a truckload of people, danced, ate, won door prizes, laughed some more, kissed, hug, and lots of other naughty bits. On the other hand, I drank myself sick, got a whammer of a headache, and had to retire to my room alone...that part really sucked. I loved seeing everyone, but it was obvious that I've built alot of memories over the past 3 years, and the other half of those memories wasn't there. Nor was my new beau...He wasn't able to shirk his commitments to his beautiful daughter and her graduation party. I wouldn't have wanted him to. So there were questions, and some talking about it, which made the ghost of Mr really hard for me to banish. The worst was sleeping alone, although even that had it's positive swing....his jackhammer snoring wasn't there to keep me awake all night. My morning was super sexy, and I send out my thanks to my beautiful J&A... Also to Doc you crazy piece of work, Joy and her AstroTurf man-skirt, and of course....Len & Julia...Love you guys so much.
I had a half baked idea to run to Jill's after. After all, I was halfway there, and my sitter was willing to extend. I was hoping another of my friends from the last time would be there, and of course Jill needed some help to open the pool. Well, said friend didn't make it, but another did, and he and I decided to try. It didn't go so well, and I left feeling scared, much like a failure, and very confused. Of course being way overtired and overemotional didn't help whatsoever. Thanks to Jill for talking me down...thanks to Mr (yes damn it, MR) for caring and listening, and then most of all....Malcolm. You knew just what to say, and you won a big piece of my heart yesterday....bastard.
I was hoping to get a call this morning...I even made a SECRET wish. When the phone rang this morning, and it was him, I was so excited. He managed to get out "Hi beautiful, good morning, .....I was thinking.." "YES YES YES YES!!!" was my very adamant and boisterous reply. He laughed, and we made plans. He decided to take a vacation day because he didn't like that I'd been disappointed over the weekend, and he wanted to attempt to make it all better for me. He makes me so ludicrously happy. I feel free, and coddled, and scared out of my mind. He unpacked my car for me in less than five minutes, before I even knew what he was up to. He bought me breakfast, and made me fruit punch. Today we spent lots of time finding out our favorite things...favorite colors, movies, books, songs. I can talk to him about anything....from the renaissance, to the Lost Generation, to slavery, to a debate between The Color Purple vs Out of Africa (my number 1 & 2 movies, respectively). We talked about Hemingway, Arthurian Legends, the Fae, and James Brown. LOL!! He likes Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Queen, and Janet. He's diverse, and multifaceted. He pushes my comfort levels to the edges of sanity, while demanding I tell him my likes, dislikes and deal breakers. He told me about all the things he would love for us to do together, his vision. He told me he doesn't say things he doesn't mean, and that yes, it's all real. And he does that......thing. LOL, those that know, know.
The rest of the day was well spent...MWAHAHAHA....but I can go to bed feeling amazing, and worry free. I just feel good with him...no worries what tomorrow will bring, no worries about an awful truth falling out of the sky to kill me. I told him I want to be that girl he can't forget, the one that he thinks about in anybody Else's company. He laughed, kissed my nose, and said I already am. He's strong, and gentle. He's demanding, and he makes me accomplish things I've never thought possible. And he really understands the workings of my mind. That in itself is a hell of an accomplishment. He also told me today that I will never have to attend another event by myself because from here out HE takes care of me. Oh yeah....mmm!
So, Malcolm, you've made me a true believer, 100%

Happiness is...

Decorum and class would dictate to me that I not take joy in someone else's misery. But that evil little part of myself can't help it. Malcolm and I have chuckled about it, with Malcolm more often than not defending him, saying I shouldn't be so hard on him. Malcolm says he recognizes the kind of woman he's gotten himself mixed up with, and that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy. LOL I would...they're perfect for each other. But as he sees my satisfaction growing, Mr seems to realize his error. His confessions are heartfelt, but the bed is made...and it wasn't by MY hand. Yes, we had a great thing, but boy did he fuck it up, and somethings just can't be undone, in the end. My decision to trust a new man, one who has only shown me respect and given me a great depth of pleasure changes my feelings alot, and then there is my favorite saying...one that I've shared with Mr in huge doses over the past couple of weeks..."Cheaters Cheat, Players Play, and Liars Lie". You can always count on them to come thru with what they do best. I feel bad that comparisons are being made in his relationship, and that they are falling short, in his eyes. I make my comparisons too....but they are fond comparisons, and usually come out on the positive side for both at this point. I found a great guy, and he hasn't let me down yet. Hasn't stood me up, hasn't ignored any of my calls ever, and has nothing but sweet compliments for me. Today...I "sounded like the sun in the middle of all that rain". Gotta love it. Moving on from relationships is hard, especially with five years of memories to trudge through. Somedays, like today, I remember every asshole thing he ever did. Other days, I remember how we used to have fun and frolic. But I'm making new memories that are outstanding, and I wish he could make some that made him happy for a change. Nobody can ever be me, and I'm glad...because they'd fuck it up. What will be interesting is that we are both going to events this weekend...albeit different ones. I had to actually recommend him a place to try, since they can't seem to friggin manage it on their own. I KNOW my weekend will be unbelievable, because I already have over half of my agenda set with my most beautiful and yummy J&A, and it's stunning. AND, there are still so many variables that I'm so excited to explore...Doc, the bouncing lady, mmmmm, Len, and a certain special man of mine that will try to ditch a graduation party. LOL. I can't even wait to see him get his groove on with my girl. YUM!
So Mr, I challenge you to make the best of your situation, and finagle a way to actually enjoy yourself at the party. Remember that being friendly and chatty actually helps, and watch your back. Me? It'll be another phenomenal night to remember...like NYE but better and way sexier. We'll compare notes the next day, deal? Ohh, and Cathy with Legs up to Heaven AND no gag reflex sends her love. MWAHAHAHA!

Carnival Ride

I woke up yesterday morning at 6:15 am, awakened by the phone as it played out Space Odyssey by David Bowie. I was confused, of course, because our alarm usually goes off at 7:20, and I'd gone to bed stupid late the night before, unable to sleep, and sorely frustrated. It was beautiful out, I noticed, as I answered the phone. It was Malcolm, waking me to ask if he could spend the day with me. "I want to take a vacation day, and just spend the day with you, it's so beautiful..." In a sleepy sexy voice, I answered "Of course, I want you to." He was so happy, and told me he'd call when he left Portland. I drifted off back to sleep, a contented smile on my lips, and dreamed of him, dreamed of not being ready when he arrived, and waking again at 7:20 with my heart pounding. I got Juju ready for school, and of course she picked that morning to be groggy and ugly. Poor baby has a hard time when she has to take allergy meds the night before. I finally got her off to school, and started picking up the house quickly...well, at least making it look less of a disaster. I figured I'd be able to jump in the shower when he called to tell me he was leaving, and I'd have plenty of time to do all those pre-date girlish things...like wash, and shave, and fix my friggin hair. The phone rang, finally, at 8:45, and it was him...."I'm downstairs, let me in?" GAAAA!! I was in my filthy lounge dress, with coffee grounds littered down the front because I'd missed the filter basket somewhat, hair all disheveled, and HAIRY FUCKING LEGS!!! LOL.
My god he's beautiful, the kind of attractive that any woman will stop and turn her head for. The kind of attractive romance writers employ to describe their Alpha Male heroes. And he was in a racing jacket, and riding a motorcycle, no less. Holy God. Five eleven, all slender grace and roped muscles, with that beautiful dark complexion that most men don't use to their advantage. And he had completely rescheduled his day around just for me.
He laughed, and chucked me under my chin...kissed the bejeezus out of me in my own driveway making the neighbor laugh on the other side of the fence. And his bike plate says? "UGLYDUC" LOL. His bike, a Ducati, he considers one of the uglier models they've produced.
So I asked, "Why did ya buy it then?" Apparently it's da bomb, that's why. I changed quickly because he decided we needed a field trip to the grocery store to get staples for our adventure. He is an amazing companion. He always walks beside me, tailoring his gait to mine, keeping his hand on the small of my back, or grabbing my hand to lead me somewhere new. Women looked at us as we walked, and I tried very hard to ignore all the looks that virtually screamed "What the hell is HE doing with HER?". Even our 60-something checkout lady asked him for ID on his lager, and he has grays in his goatee. LOL, she was embarrassed, and giggling, and flirting with him, and it was adorable that he could inspire this woman to blush at 9 AM. And still, on the way out of her checkout line, he placed a kiss on my temple, and grabbed my hand. He knew, and he let me know that I was his priority. Amazing.
Back at home, he'd brought a movie, and a thoughtful selection as well. It was Martian Child, and I swear, someday I'll actually watch it. He wouldn't let me shower, but when he'd gone outside to smoke, I'd raced to the bathroom to at least wash up in the sink. He liked the leg hair. My god...I've always dreamed of a man that wouldn't be obsessive about my shaving, because quite frankly, I hate it. He liked it, he said it was invisible, for one, and tickled when he kissed my legs, for two. I think he must be perfect. LOL
The rest of the day, well, isn't fit blog material quite frankly. I may turn it into a story, but there are things tugging at my mind about it that make me uncomfortable still. Things that I think about that I'm not sure I want to think about. He's my friend, and I cherish how he makes me feel important. But it's hard to look at a man who is such an amazing package and not wonder about....the fairytale. I told him I am a woman who enjoys clarity in her life, but even he admitted that the water was becoming increasingly murky where our friendship was concerned. Something is changing, happening, and I'm terrified of it right now. I told him I just want to take it the one day at a time, relax, enjoy our friendship, and be cool. I am a liar.
He claimed me yesterday. Branded me, marked me as his. He knows exactly what he did. He has become an opiate to me, and I want so much. I want it all, and he isn't saying no. We are infinitely compatible...share the same political views, are both college grads in art, with higher ed after that to make a living, and have so much to talk about. We have kids in the same age range, and share the same views on how to raise them. But this is about more than that. This is about a man looking a woman in the eye and breathing into her mouth, "You belong to me". It both thrilled me and terrified me to my soul.
I'm not sure what the entire ramifications are...after all, I'm still trying to be cool as a cucumber. But I have been thinking that his claiming me is his way of showing me that the Ride I was on with Mr is done, and he is tugging me, urging me, to step onto his Ride now. His infinite patience is still there, he still knows the feelings I have are making me uncertain, and hesitant. But he's opened the door wide, and his ride is waiting for me. He talks of all the things we will do together, and paints a canvas of amazing potential, of a true merging of like minds finding happiness in dreams I'd long ago abandoned. I'm looking in your door Malcolm, and the ride looks really scary, because it's everything I've ever wanted. Please be patient with me, I don't want to get hurt again.