Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You use to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh...
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You use to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh...
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here in silence
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fills your heart with love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So today I was thinking about all the people that claim they can't stand Christmas. It comes too early now, it's too commercial, it's a farce, it's a mess, it's expensive...blah blah blah.
There are definitely pros and cons to every argument, the same holds true for holding the spark of solstice love in your heart. Maybe there are alot of downsides to Christmas being marketed in October, but then again, maybe it's more of a good thing than anyone has stopped to consider.
As a child, I held a magical love for this time of year. I may have only reclaimed my crown, but I've always known that my place is in the winter castle. Winter in Maine is simply indescribable to those that haven't lived it. Some couldn't dream of living THROUGH it, while others can't imagine living away from it. When I was growing up, winters were the stuff of legends...storms that dumped 3 or 4 feet of snow at a time, snowbanks upwards of 5 feet tall, and home grown ice skating rinks with mazes of snow forts all around them. Christmas time, in such a wonderland, could be nothing less than spectacular, and our traditions were delightful then.
As a Catholic family, we celebrated Advent, and attended mass regularly. I was always in choir, so my love of Christmas music comes from the joy it brought me to be involved in creating that music as much as simply listening to it. My mother always made sure we had an advent calendar to count down till Christmas, a tradition I carry on with my own daughter today. It wasn't about the chocolate or the gift, it was about the beautiful illustration that was hiding behind the little door, and it's significance to the holiday. I didn't believe in Santa so long because I was the last of 5 children, for one, but also, our gifting happened Christmas Eve, and my mother would build the excitement and anticipation to Christmas by wrapping the gifts as soon as she'd bought them and placing them under the tree immediately. We decorated with so many lights, and the house was always a beautiful glowing haven of warmth and special love. My mother would cook, and cook, and so would my grandmother, who lived with us, and the food would be placed on our unheated porches which acted as secondary and third refrigerators at this time of year. Pies of every kind - custard, pecan, raspberry, apple, and cakes like Graham Cracker Cake (also known in some parts as ice box cake), and Chocolate Sheet Cake. She'd make sugar cookies in 12 shapes, with icing, and she'd make a peanut brittle, and she'd make chocolate covered walnut butter brittle. She'd make meat pies, called tortieres around here, made with potatoes, and spiced pork. Christmas eve would be an endless buffet. She'd make pressure cooker BBQ chicken thighs, and beef stew, and spaghetti with meat sauce. She'd hand grind meats like chicken and ham to make meat salads to spread on finger rolls. And then all the relatives that would come over would bring their dishes. Potato salad, cole slaw, beans, baked hams, and things I don't even remember anymore. We'd start the night by going to the 5 pm mass, and then it was on for the rest of the night. My mother's sister and her kids would come over, as would my father's sister and her kids, and so many other relatives I can't think of now. We'd rip open our gifts and revel in what I understand now was resourceful gift giving by parents that struggled as much then with money as we all do now. It was a relaxed atmosphere, play clothes, comfy, eat as you will, when you will, as much as you will, the adults sitting around talking, and us kids in my room playing till all hours of the morning, falling asleep in the living room under the Christmas lights. I can't think of a happier memory. So why am I reliving this now, besides my winter heart glorying in nostalgia? Because mostly everyone has treasured memories like this in their hearts. So why isn't the season so endearing anymore???
As I grew older, I found it harder to get that amazingly repleted Christmas feeling, that feeling that nothing on earth could be any better than that night. That total innocent acknowledgment of profound joy. Life started getting more complicated, and my needs more self centered and bottomless. It started feeling, like I believe bouncy lady J put it, like it was all this work and build up with no orgasm. LOL...god I love her and her analogies. That feeling of confused disappointment when something that you've waited on and hoped for has passed you by and you've missed it somehow. I think lots of people experience this and instead of confronting it and figuring out what the hell they missed, begin to construct a protective shell of disassociation and disdain for the holiday and all it's trimmings. But what really have they missed? And what are they afraid to admit that they've given up on? I do know, because I'd almost done the same thing. Two simple words - Belief and Hope.
If I use my Ice Prince for a moment to illustrate.... Malcolm is certain, he is the harbinger of the end, and the herald for the new. I mentioned this before because he was born on New Year's Eve. He is the bridge between a life already lived, and one imminently about to BEGIN. He has to have strong beliefs and convictions to balance the duality of his nature. And my role as Ice Princess, born two days after the solstice has me being caretaker to the end of times, the soul that governs the celebrations that wind up a life nearing it's end, the one that keeps the lights blazing as we enter that darkest time of year, and the one that maintains that it was all really worth it. Malcolm is Belief. I am Hope. When Belief and Hope come together, we create Love. And THAT, my friends, is the magic of Belief and Hope. Having Belief and Hope create the kind of environment that fosters and nurtures Love. And when we LOVE, we are divine. Have you ever woken up besides your lover, completely sated, warm in his arms, wrapped up in the scent of his body and known without question that you were Happy? In that brief moment you loved unconditionally, you were connected to another soul, and there was magic all around you because belief and hope were alive in your heart. That is the same knowledge you carried as a child at Christmas. The love, camaraderie, belief and hope we are "supposed" to feel at Christmas were NEVER supposed to be confined to that season, it was supposed to be a season to celebrate the wonderment we felt all year long. The gifts we give at Christmas are a representation of the love and generosity of heart and spirit that we share with our families, our friends, and our fellow planetary inhabitants. Perhaps the marketing companies have made Christmas into a gold mine, but consider this for a moment... The physical reminders of the holiday don't have to mean commercialism, greed, duplicity, or uncharitability. When I see the first decorations displayed in the stores, I feel the first sparks of my winter heart light up. I'm reminded of the precious ornaments I've collected through the years with my mother, or on my own, and begin to relive the stories and memories behind each of them. I laugh at the thoughts of my neighbor who used to decorate his house so much it showed up on satelite footage. He no longer decorates because they have felt a most profound sadness this year at the loss of the visitation of their grandchildren. They lost both belief and hope, and the manifestation is a lack of willingness to participate in the spirit of the holiday. I won't let them lose all their belief and hope, because I love them. And love, no matter what, really can create miracles for people. And isn't that what people really want at this time of year? Christmas Miracles?
I got my miracle earlier this year when I met Malcolm. I received another miracle almost 9 years ago when I birthed my daughter. Besides simply providing for our basic needs, I can't think of another thing I want this year except for time with the two people who rekindled my belief and hope, and taught me the meaning of real joy by showing me honest, reciprocated love.
Belief and Hope
PS - in no way is the living room pictured above mine, or in any way reflect my house or my family's house. It's far too meticulously perfect. That living room would belong to my friend Jeff, and is his scene from last year. He does everything perfect like that. LOL Love and hugs to Jeff. MWAH!
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