Christmas, Pt 2

Graham Cracker Cake
1 pt heavy cream, Hershey's chocolate syrup
Honey Graham Crackers, 1/4 c confectioner's sugar
Whip Cream until stiff peaks form. Add confectioner's sugar and stir until incorporated. Add enough syrup to give it a nice chocolatey taste. Lay out four graham crackers and top with cream. Continue to layer to desired height, but reserve enough cream to cover top and sides when finished. Cover loosely with foil or wrap (I use toothpicks to tent) and refrigerate overnight until crackers are soft. Serve cold.
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The original purpose of assigning a Pt 1 to the last blog was that, at the time that I was writing it, I was ludicrously tired and uncertain that I would actually be conscious when I got to the point of it, the way it was going. LOL. You see I have wild rantings of mythological proportions when I'm tired. But the gist of it is true, and mostly to the point I wanted to make. But as I've been mulling it over in my mind, I've thought about more reasons why my past Christmases haven't always been that perfect blend of wonder and astonishment I used to get as a kid. And alot of it has to do with the fact that my mom gave up hosting Christmas a number of years ago, and my sister took over.
My sister, where to start? My sister and I have always had a tenuous relationship. God knows I love her dearly, and would do anything for her. But she's a tough cookie, and rightly so. Her life has been crazy She lived through open back surgery for scoliosis, lived through some sexual perverts in her past as unfortunately more women than not have had to deal with as kids, lived through a brain tumor and lived to see her firstborn son survive and defeat leukemia, and her second son survive and defeat encephalitis. I'd have become a bit jaded and hard should I have had to deal with all that too. So we lovingly refer to her now as "The General". My sister likes decisiveness and action. She likes order. She needs for things to make sense and go smoothly. My god she and I are so different. I like to go with the flow, for the most part, live like a pig because I can't keep house to save my life, and tend to be a ginormous procrastinator. It's caused more than a little friction through the years. But of course the issue of this blog is Christmas.
My sister had a definite vision of what Christmas SHOULD have been. She was always at odds with my mother over our traditions, and as much as I LOVED the casualness and almost Bohemia of our Christmas Eve celebration, my sister despised it. She wanted the storybook brought to life. And as soon as she got married, she abandoned her lifetime's worth of holiday tradition to begin anew. It began as a subtle change, pressing my mother to serve a formal dinner on Christmas Day, instead of a potluck on Christmas Eve. It wasn't many years until my mother suddenly suggested that someone else do it that suddenly, my sister, in her new house, was hosting that Christmas Dinner. Formal, dressed up, Christmas Dinner. And the gift giving was moved to Christmas Day as well. And it was scheduled, and video taped, and each person was given their one gift at a time, and their thank you time, and so it was carefully repeated until each last gift was carefully, demurely, and cautiously opened. There weren't any Christmas lights on, since it was daylight out. And there was no picking at food. The meal was served before the gifts. Ahhh, and since it was deemed necessary to highlight everyone's need to diet, the desert selection was pared down to one or two choices, always with a fat free option available.
I wonder, if perhaps other people have lost their love of the holiday because, like me, they find themselves stuck in someone else's traditions. Don't get me wrong, sometimes learning new traditions is enriching and enlightening. Sometimes though, when all of your own traditions are lost in the process, it does leave you with this sense of disappointment, disassociation, and ill at ease feeling. Like you're experiencing something and you're not really "getting" it, or it just isn't satisfying the itch. I'd felt alone in this realization until last year, when my brother called me (the one I'd blogged about) and expressed this same exact feeling. He and I have become the square pegs unable to quite fit in the new holes my sister has drilled. We're there, we're trying, and SHE'S happy about it, but he and I feel this vague let down which we finally admitted, at least to each other, is the fact that we miss the old ways. He tried to rekindle it last year by inviting everyone over to his place for italian sandwiches and a movie, but you could see the resistance in the others to let this insurrection gain any momentum. I feel incapable of reviving our old traditions by the sheer fact that my mom doesn't keep herself or her apartment clean enough to invite people over, and by the fact that I haven't established a family besides just me and my daughter, and she's still wanting to see the gifts on Christmas morning. So now I'm not only living someone else's fantasy of Christmas, I'm perpetrating it onto my only child. I wish I knew an out, a way to get back what we had. But I'm wondering if maybe somethings really do get lost forever. And it makes me profoundly sad inside. Thankfully I've found my balance in the season and I am grateful for the celebrations I'm invited to be a part of. I find my holiday joys in the small moments. Like when Jujubear saw Santa step off the fire engine and, upon seeing his real beard, turned to me and squealed "It's HIM momma, it's the REAL SANTA!!" She and I will be singing in my other brother's family choir at church this year, for the simple reason that my daughter loves to sing, and this is a way for her to develop her god given talent. It will be bittersweet for me. Mostly because the choir is run by my 1st brother and my sister, neither of whom believe I can sing, only because I haven't for so long now. I can, and quite well. It's not comfortable, however, because some years back when traveling with a professional choir, I developed nodules on my vocal chords and it can become painful to sing for prolonged periods. Plus, asthma meds dry out the throat. We'll see how it goes. It gave me great joy back then to sing great pieces like Handel's Messiah. I think I can handle a few carols. Part of me can't wait to see the look of shock on my brother's face. LOL, my sister too. It'll be good for them to know that there was another singing star in the family once. Of course, if they'd have bothered to attend any of my concerts back then, they'd know that, wouldn't they?
I also find my seasonal joy connecting with my friends, and catching up on their hectic lives. December is a crazy month, and I know things can get difficult, but my friends have always made time for me in their lives. I'm also planning a big birthday party for my daughter. She decided over the summer that she wanted to do a sleepover party this year, and I decided it should be done over her Christmas break. So we've decided on Jan. 2nd. Hopefully I survive it. LOL!
I'll be posting a few more of our traditional dessert recipes throughout the month, and just wanted to suggest that the above cake would also be good with espresso syrup added in or any other number of variations of flavors. Happy Holidays!