One for the Road

Symphony by Sarah Brightman

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say When love, suddenly, you feel so far away But you’re not prepared to talk And if you’re now afraid to listen, And I don’t want to do this anymore. Oh I don’t know which way that I should turn Seems the more we love the more we have to learn And I keep staring into space Like it somehow has the answers So don’t let the music end, oh my darling Symphony It’s gone quiet around us now How I wish you would hold me And that you never told me And it’s better if you leave... Look at the sun We're starting to lose all of the light Where we once burned so brightly, tell me we might be... Throwing it away When you don't know what you've got, until it’s gone But then nothing ever hurt like holding on I am scared and unprepared and I feel like I am falling So can you tell me, where did we go wrong? Symphony It’s gone quiet around us now How I wish you would hold me And that you never told me And it’s better if you leave ..... If everything is broken, then it's better that we give up And remember how we once had something beautiful. Symphony It’s gone quiet around us now How I wish you would hold me And that you never told me And it’s better if you leave... Look at the sun We're starting to lose all of the light Where we once burned so brightly, so tell me we might be.... Throwing it away..........

Tonight my heart hurts. So very very much. And I am weary.....but how appropriate that we still have phantoms....

ah yes, the ugly light of day...

What does one do when all your worst thoughts and suspicions are confirmed, straight from the horses ass, errr, mouth? I feel like I should be angrier, furious even. Yet I actually only feel a great deal of relief that he finally was coerced into telling the truth. Yes, he blubbered it out, all the ugly transgressions, which of course I already knew about because I manage him. So as a manager, I consider the reality, the direct effect to the overall whole, and the outcome. Then, I must consider what coaching and counseling might achieve to the desired effect, and the possibility that he might, in some laughable reality, change his evil ways and become the man he is meant to be...the one I want and need him to be.
Are we a good couple? In the overall given situation, we are a great couple. We complement and support each other, and shore up each other's weaknesses. He pushes me to explore outside of my comfort zone, to become more than I would otherwise settle into becoming. I help him reign in his bizarre tendencies to be overly gluttonous in areas of his life, and to remain focussed and realistic. He provides a very important father relationship for my daughter, who has finally come to love and accept him, after a rocky 5 year road between them, and he has stepped up to the plate to accept that role in her life even though he has no blood responsibility. He is, ultimately, Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.
Over the years there have been lots of hmm, lets call them "free passes" to save names and identities. Mr has afforded himself lots of "free passes" and lately, as he approaches a milestone birthday, seems to be in a frenzy of collecting assorted women from wherever he can meet them. His midlife crisis is fullblown and roaring away. This latest "free pass" of his differed in that he allowed it to become serious, and then couldn't figure out what to do, and I was left in a position to accomplish damage contol.....again. We have always agreed upon an open relationship, as long as we were honest with each other and didn't compromise our core relationship. This is the real issue at hand...that he altered the truth to hide the extent of his activities. I am sorry for the other person who is very hurt. But the real truth is that there were many others. Three that I can think of off the top of my head in fact, and that doesn't include myself or my girlfriend.
I'm not blameless either. I've had some "free passes" as well. They were mostly retaliatory when his extracurricular activities became overwhelming. I enjoyed myself immensely with one of them, and found another sorely lacking. But I find this trend of ours tiring, and our vow of honesty with each other seriously needs to be re-examined. I know sometimes people get off course...christ, I certainly do in many areas of my life (mostly concerning housekeeping and dieting). But sometimes you need to take a step back, and either re-commit, or agree to walk away. I don't know where we are right now. A part of me hopes that 5 years isn't wasted, while another part of me wants death and pain to be visited upon the offender. Mostly pain.
I'm not a beautiful girl, or a thin one. I'm a terrible housekeeper, and not so very great at financial planning. But I have the gift of words, and the ability to see all the possibilities, and an ability to remain steadfast thru hell and beyond. I am a good mother, and a loyal friend. I also have the ability to network my way thru any industry or group. We'll see if these things can possibly stem the tide of his crisis. Then we'll see if he can stem the tide of mine.
Ohh, and this earned me a free pass. LOL

Spoiling for a fight!!

I'll admit it all...I was jealous, so jealous that it burned in the pit of my stomach. I felt betrayed, and humiliated, and stupid, and blind. My god I just wanted to rail at him, scream, and hiss venom, and crush him, like I felt he'd destroyed me. And then he spewed his fucking logic at me. So logical, so irrefutable. It made me laugh, which made me even angrier. So, to make it even worse, he apologized. Apologized not only to me, but to our friends who got caught up in the mess by the actions of a silly girl who is infatuated with my lover. So I thought about it all, because the doubts are still there, still burning at the base of my spine. I wonder what he's done with her, what kind of "friends" they are. Intercourse? Oral? Does it even matter, and should I retaliate? After 5 years of him, of being ecstactic with my best friend, the best lover (he trained up well!!), and the man who knows how to diffuse my time bomb temper, I don't want to walk away because his GOD DAMNED LOGIC has made me see that the scenario is ridiculous. Would he openly cheat in front of our good friends? Friends who love and cherish me, and would happily take him down in the parking lot if they felt he had hurt me? Well my goodness, no, even he isn't that stupid. And of course Len corroborated his story.
So, now I'm still feeling unfullfilled because I haven't had my fight. LOL. Yes, the steroids are talking hot and heavy, but maybe I wouldn't still have this unsettled feeling. He wants me to talk with this girl, to prove he isn't lying. I don't wanna. Really really! The last time I made a phone call like that it was a nightmare of drama. And I still laugh when I see his face and hear his choked "SHE DID W. H. A. T.?????" He did promise to take care of this situation. To "nip it in the bud". I guess we'll wait and see, and feel secure that "our" friends will always take care of me. I love u guys!!! And yes, you dear old freak, I love you too. Bastard.

When I grow up, I want to be....

Has this question ever plagued you? It has certainly been hanging around in my mind for oh....30 or more years now. I've had alot of flashes of inspiration, and had times that I was sure I knew. For instance, when I was 8, I knew I wanted to be a singer. I had a great voice, got lots of compliments, and also had perfect pitch and the ability to sight read music. What a great career choice! So I practiced, and sang, and even joined a professional classical choir when I was 15, and toured with them all over the state of Maine the winter of my highschool freshman year. There is a but coming. I loved it, I was great at it. But I wasn't properly trained at it, and I had recently begun using an asthma inhaler. Being the lead alto in my group, I strained myself that winter and developed nodules on my vocal chords. The asthma drugs keep me nice and horse now...not so great for a singing career, although if I began to practice again, and took pain killers to get over the throat pain, I could do it reasonable well. But that's not a career choice, is it.
So after that debacle, I knew I wanted to be an animator. I loved cartoons. I was great at art, won prizes, took advanced classes, and even got accepted into one of the great art schools in the country. I finished my four years, got a degree in Painting and Drawing. I lost the animation dream after I realized I wasn't the kind of person to enjoy a tedious repetitious task. I never really knew what I'd do with my art once I graduated. The gallery life never did hold much allure for me, and the idea of being a virtual financial captive to one was horrifying. My art was mediocre. I couldn't fully embrace the abstract, and the art world doesn't accept anything to do with country. Realism, which was my strength when I started became my greatest weakness. My art was too emotive, too colorful. Too full of....me. I think, in the end, it became a therapeutic way for me to work thru my drama and find a better me on the other side. Maybe.
I also knew I wanted to be a Massage Therapist. It was one of those out of the heavens inspiration, probably based on a wicked recessive economy, and a desire to be able to live in the mountains, a one time dream of mine. I did indeed become a therapist, completed the certification course, and practiced. However, I coudn't afford to be a therapist because the additional education killed me financially. So I became a retail manager. Still am, and I do like what I do...very much. But I still feel like I haven't become what I'm supposed to be when I grow up.
I'm a mother, a manager, a significant other. I love to read. And I love to write. So my latest inspiration is to become a writer. I know what I want to write...I think. I love romance. But I don't know if I could write a romance. I think I might need to be edgier than that, and tackle topics that romance readers don't want to tackle. I want to write about big women, and black men, and interracial relationships. I want to be funny, and i want to relay my truth, as its been for me. So as I think about these ideas, or ideals, I realize I don't have even a bit of a clue as to where to start. I think perhaps it requires more reading :)

Where were you....

I was sitting in my office at Geiger, reading and responding to emails. My partner in the office got a call from his wife, and he had this incredulous laugh, then "WHAT??" "Get the fuck OUT!" So he looks over at me, and says, "Hey Dot, they just bombed the Pentagon". I was like, Dennis, shut the fuck up! We were chuckling about it because we were sure it was a joke. Who in Christ would bomb the pentagon, right? Then he says, "Holy shit, they bombed the World Trade Center again too!" Our office was the first to hear of it, and everyone walking by was like "What?", "Who?". This was at the dawn of web videos, so, since I was an internet researcher, and I had one of the faster computers in the building, I went to msn.com and tried to pull up the video...I remember having people standing behind me trying to see the screen, but I was looking at the rough footage so closely, I just remember seeing the computer. It didn't seem real...it was far away. We had a voice come over the intercom then from the president saying any who were concerned about their families could leave. I just shook my head and said, why would anyone want to leave work? It didn't happen here. I just was so disconnected. Felt so immune to what was going on. We all left early that day anyways, and when I got home and really saw....
Then the information started filtering in...
They had been in Maine....
They had photographed Bath Iron Works
We had a shipyard and a naval air station, we weren't safe, or immune.

And then I remember watching the images over and over again. Watching the towers collapse, and realizing that not everybody was out yet. Calling friends and family in the Midlantic Region to make sure they were safe, and alive. Watching the economy collapse. No cargo moving, all borders sealed. I remember trying to reroute shipments to no avail.

I lost two relatives that week. Not directly to the tragedy...My uncle finally had succumbed to parkinsons and alzheimers about 5 days prior, and 1 day after 9/11, my 100 year old grandfather died, of no known cause. I still believe he saw the images on TV and said to himself "fuck this, I'm out of here". He hadn't spoken to anyone because of his alzheimers for many years, so we'll never know for sure.
So, I'm reading all these posts about conspiracies, and terrorists, and George W....and I see and feel all the anger on the left and right sides...towards the casualties, and the terrorists, and the gov'ment, and the lies. And I know that positive change cannot come about without first uncovering lies, and reality...if there is any to uncover. See, after going to Wikipedia to read up on the Reichstag Fire, it became clear to me that there are still many unknowns about THAT event. Things we will never know for sure. I believe the same is true for 9/11. I remember reading that the easiest way to make the people eager to give up their rights is to keep them afraid. Make them believe that they are not safe...ever, or anywhere. I also know that if the general public knew a quarter of the info that the govment hides from us...we would panic 24/7.
So, the world is not safe.
I held my 21 month old baby in September 2001, after everything had happened. 6000 + dead, anthrax in the mail, and I cried every night...
and I was sorry I had brought her into the world. Into the mess, and the chaos. I want to share an except from my Mother's Diary to Julia, my Daughter:

"Oh, my beautiful baby. I love you so so much. Our world is so uncertain now, and I have so many fears that eat away at me. I find myself squeezing away tears daily and praying to every god and power above that you stay safe. More than 6000 people dead and missing. Yesterday we officially retaliated and began World War 3. I am so sorry i have brought you into this crazy world. I feel that we are near the end. We will not win this war. So many will be lost in addition to those who have died already. So many souls departing the earth. My fear is that I will not succeed in keeping you safe. I cannot imagine watching you suffer. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, and that includes into death. My solution to my fears is to live life to the fullest with you, and cherish you every day. It is a disturbing reality when every cloud looks sinister and menacing, and an airplane flying overhead is no longer a happy sight. I want to
feel hope for the future, but I just can't."

OK, so...
If we think about all we have lost as a people, our loved ones, our economic stability, our confidence. What can we DO. The anger, I think, towards the gov'ment and the conspiracy theories are caused by an inability to DO anything to make a difference. Did George lie to
start the war? Yes he did. So, we establish that fact and decide on a course of action. Yet, amazingly, the United States has been plagued by an inability to do anything except become angry. Point fingers. Divide our loyalties. Return to the mundane like nothing has really
happened at all. It wasn't all a lie. And we will NEVER know what really really happened. But I want to move past all that...
I want to DO.
It would be so fantastic to reunite our country, forget our petty indifferences, and come together to solve our shared problem.

You see...I have a daughter to keep safe.
Dot

One Dream Gone

What's in a dream, and how many roads can one take to get there? This week, I met a roadblock to my success. Earlier this year, I made the decision I was ready to seek out bariatric surgery to assist me in getting healthier, and finally being able to shed the weight that's been plaguing me for, oh....30 years. This week, I found out that due to my current insurance coverage, that option is not financially affordable for me.
So, do I hate being big? Some days, yes. I look in the mirror, and I don't see me at all. I see chin(s), and arm fat, and belly rolls, and back fat. I see an ass that is hanging a little lower each year, and boobs that are slowly stretching to my belly button. Most of all, I see an increase in the scale at each doctor's visit. What I hate about all of this is how I FEEL. I feel tired, bloated, and cranky. My knees hurt after a day at work, as do my back and my hips. And I'm embarrased about how sex isn't as easy and fun as it should be. My partner, bless his heart, has never made my weight an issue, but I know how much MORE fun we could have if it wasn't an issue at all. And my daughter....I'm teaching her the same life I had. Fat and physically unfit. She deserves more from her mother, and her life than what I had, and what I am giving her.
So, all that aside, those of you who know me know that yes, I do spend some time wallowing in self pity...but it has been 2 days now, and my better sense of fixing the situation has perked up. Whats the reality? The reality is that I've lost almost 20 pounds on my own in preparation for this surgery, and I've done that in a little less than 2 months. Yeah, the food poisoning helped! LOL. BUT...I've no reason to discontinue my efforts simply because I'm not going under the knife. Many people DO lose weight without surgery. God knows I have, several times over. But I've got to want to do this forever, and that is where the stumbling blocks come in. How do you find a way to balance what you can live with, with what you have to do? I'm back on Weight Watchers, unofficially, and it helps me find that balance. My doctor's tips about protein bars and fruit snacks has been an incredible help. Limiting my intake of yummy treats that are GONZO points has been a plus. But but but....how many excuses can I come up with to cheat?
One thought that helped me shed the almost 20 has been the thought "by any means necessary". So diet aids, YES. And the guilt about using them is GONE. I feel better and stronger willed than I have in a while, and the real truth...the real DREAM is that I can still do it. I AM doing it, every day that I make better, healthier choices. It may not be gone by next summer, but I have the power to continue until I say I'm done. And MAYBE, I've made a change for the better? They do say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit. I've surpassed the 6 weeks, and I do find that the right choices are foremost in my thoughts, and that making them is easier than ever. I've always hated being on a diet. Perhaps, in my frenzy of prepping for surgery, surgery that won't happen this year at least, I've created a new habit that can take me into next year and beyond. Wish me luck and love my friends. I've a goal of 35 pounds lost I'm still intent on reaching.

Day 1 of Second Grade

Second grade is memorable for me. I remember bits from each grade, but second grade really stayed with me. I remember Mrs Cote, that she was sweet, but fair. I remember being an excelerated student, and doing SRA reading projects to stay occupied while the rest of the class finished the work I had finished in 5 minutes. Second grade was a level my mother had considered skipping for me, but ultimately, decided she wanted me to stick with kids my own age...regardless of the fact that I was older already because of the cut off dates.
Second Grade was also the grade which saw me through the death of my father. Ultimately, teachers are not equipped to deal with trauma the likes of which my family suffered, and the solution to the white elephant upon my return to classes (I don't even remember how much time I was away from classes) was to instruct all the kids to not talk to me about it. Of course, kids being kids, that really translated as Don't Talk To Dot. I had a couple of friends that were dear to me though. Jeff, of course was always there to make me smile and make me feel like I belonged, fatherless and fat though I was. And Jenn, god bless her heart. And Angela. All souls I am so very thankful to still count as friends in my life today. So why the nostalgia?
My baby started second grade today. And she is so very like me, with her weight, her need for attention, her insecurities about friends and fitting in. She doesn't say it, but I see it in every movement of her body, and her eyes. And I see myself telling her to stop certain behaviors that, in my mind, inforce stereotypes that will hurt her socially. Yeah...who's insecurities now, right? So she went back to school in Not New clothes. And I compensated my guilt by sewing her an original creation (just don't look too closely, I never claimed to be a seamstress). I purposefully did not go back to school shopping, because the reality is that everything is provided for her. And we are trying to be conservative <<shudder>> when it comes to money. AND her dad needs to step up.
Her first day was great, and while mom stayed home fretting, and mentally composing this blog, Juju had an amazing day, filled with fun, and friends, and learning. AND the prerequesite 200 forms for me to fill out and return by tomorrow. I should be done by 2 AM. LOL. I'm so very proud of the daughter my baby is, and of the woman she is becoming. We may find ourselves at odds, and argueing, but the reality is that she is a really great girl with a big girl attitude. And as I find myself looking for books for "spirited" children, sometimes it's just a clue to relax, step back, and give her some breathing room too.