One Dream Gone

What's in a dream, and how many roads can one take to get there? This week, I met a roadblock to my success. Earlier this year, I made the decision I was ready to seek out bariatric surgery to assist me in getting healthier, and finally being able to shed the weight that's been plaguing me for, oh....30 years. This week, I found out that due to my current insurance coverage, that option is not financially affordable for me.
So, do I hate being big? Some days, yes. I look in the mirror, and I don't see me at all. I see chin(s), and arm fat, and belly rolls, and back fat. I see an ass that is hanging a little lower each year, and boobs that are slowly stretching to my belly button. Most of all, I see an increase in the scale at each doctor's visit. What I hate about all of this is how I FEEL. I feel tired, bloated, and cranky. My knees hurt after a day at work, as do my back and my hips. And I'm embarrased about how sex isn't as easy and fun as it should be. My partner, bless his heart, has never made my weight an issue, but I know how much MORE fun we could have if it wasn't an issue at all. And my daughter....I'm teaching her the same life I had. Fat and physically unfit. She deserves more from her mother, and her life than what I had, and what I am giving her.
So, all that aside, those of you who know me know that yes, I do spend some time wallowing in self pity...but it has been 2 days now, and my better sense of fixing the situation has perked up. Whats the reality? The reality is that I've lost almost 20 pounds on my own in preparation for this surgery, and I've done that in a little less than 2 months. Yeah, the food poisoning helped! LOL. BUT...I've no reason to discontinue my efforts simply because I'm not going under the knife. Many people DO lose weight without surgery. God knows I have, several times over. But I've got to want to do this forever, and that is where the stumbling blocks come in. How do you find a way to balance what you can live with, with what you have to do? I'm back on Weight Watchers, unofficially, and it helps me find that balance. My doctor's tips about protein bars and fruit snacks has been an incredible help. Limiting my intake of yummy treats that are GONZO points has been a plus. But but but....how many excuses can I come up with to cheat?
One thought that helped me shed the almost 20 has been the thought "by any means necessary". So diet aids, YES. And the guilt about using them is GONE. I feel better and stronger willed than I have in a while, and the real truth...the real DREAM is that I can still do it. I AM doing it, every day that I make better, healthier choices. It may not be gone by next summer, but I have the power to continue until I say I'm done. And MAYBE, I've made a change for the better? They do say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit. I've surpassed the 6 weeks, and I do find that the right choices are foremost in my thoughts, and that making them is easier than ever. I've always hated being on a diet. Perhaps, in my frenzy of prepping for surgery, surgery that won't happen this year at least, I've created a new habit that can take me into next year and beyond. Wish me luck and love my friends. I've a goal of 35 pounds lost I'm still intent on reaching.