So being on morphine derived drugs has made the past few days an interesting blur for me. Very vivid yet fucked up dreams, no real pain to speak of, until the shit wears off, and a happy happy time all around. Yesterday with Malcolm was amazing. He was unhappy that I was sad in the morning, and came to take care of his baby. He drove for me, he provided for me, he even wanted to wash my hair for me, but my scalp still hurt too damn much to even think about getting it wet. I wish, today, that I'd let him do it. Thankfully, my awesome friend and stylist Chris will do it for me, and probably slip in a wax so I'm not Sasquatch on Saturday. Well, and how better to forget the pain on my head then to replace it with pain on my lip. LOLOL. OHH, and sex on vicodin is AMAZING!!!!! Malcolm knew all about that too!!! I Love You Baby!
I'm drugged right now, and just spoke to Mr. He's working hard, trying to avert another looming crisis. Unfortunately, I can't help him with this one....he does understand. I still suffer thru these things with him, because I will always care about him and his family, and to what happens to all of them. It's hard to not be able to step in and repair the damage like I used to be able to do. But I'm not miss moneybags anymore, and he's not my responsibility like that anymore. He was laughing, saying the messages I'd left him sounded like someone had killed my dog, right in front of me, and probably put a bullet halfway thru my brain as well. NICE! Well, I guess it's not too far off the truth, for real, cuz I feel like I got a bullet wound. But it did make me laugh, which made me hurt. Nice contrast that.
I had to step out while talking to him last night, and he was in the midst of apologizing to his brother, who had kindly offered to pick up his stuff for him, since his psycho refuses to give it back. I told him to just call the police and get an escort. It is his shit afterall, and some of it is important to him. He told me this morning he'd like to remain as civil as possible, which means he's probably turning into a marshmallow. Of course the last time he took that attitude with an ex, it landed him in jail. He just never ever learns. In the end he'll do whatever it is that he'll do. I'm sure that having use of a car, cable and internet is very appealing, and convenient sex too. I hope he stays strong this time because all his family has urged him to walk away from this poison. It's like heroin, and his life has gone down the toilet since he started with the whole deal. But talking to an addict is always risky business. Some days or hours they hear you clear headed, and then the addiction speaks to them louder than any sense of reason, and they are back in the thick of it. When he's rational, and the world isn't piling up against him, he comes to the right conclusions and agrees that this is not the right road for him. But when his needs talk louder than his brain, his need to watch tv, or use the internet, or get a piece of tail....then it's all out the window. He used to talk of all this potential he saw in her, potential he was craving to tap. He learned the hard way that there wasn't anything more than what he saw. It was all a lie, by his own admission, like so many other lies she's told right to his face. He can see the benefits of moving on, but God only knows if he'll make it to the other side. I know I needed something better, something monumental to break my attachment to that relationship. When Malcolm and I talk about it he rather describes Mr's relationship like a canker sore. Ugly and contagious, and even when you can't see it, ready to break out at any given moment worse than it was the time before. I told you he's amazing with his analogies! But Malcolm was there, in that position, and he still feels for Mr, knows how hard it is to make the final break. I know too, and my life has never been better having made it to the far shore. Imagine being with a woman that genuinely knows what real love is. Imagine having a life with someone who won't abandon you at your worst moments? Someone who won't spoil your trust with every breath. Can you even imagine it anymore, or has this relationship beat it all out of you so that the only things you think to ever expect anymore are lies, shallowness, and being alone when you need someone the most? Can you even imagine enjoying the world with someone who sees it as a beautiful place, a place to explore all manner of everything, with fantastic people instead of the world just being a place where no one can measure up to one person's self absorbed ideals of beauty? I wish you much luck and love Mr....there is a whole lifetime ahead of you. Don't sell yourself short.
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