Fair Weather Friends

Mr reached his breaking point last night. Apparently my blogging has pushed him over the edge into the abyss. You see, I guess he really had been trying to get back together with that girl, mainly over a matter of money to help him out of his current situation, and my blog made her rescind the offer. Oops. We started to argue about it last night as he walked home from work. He asked why didn't I just stop blogging about THEM. Nevermind that if she really loved him, truly loved him, someone's words wouldn't sway her to change her mind as quickly as she changes her hairstyles. Nevermind that real love can't be influenced by anyone outside of the relationship. God knows he had MY fidelity until he himself affirmed my belief that it was time to take it away thru his own words and actions, and even then I was still there. I suppose I shouldn't hold other's up to my own standards though, perhaps my lofty ideals are not realistic. My bad for valuing constancy, faithfulness, maturity, and selfless devoted love and affection.
I told him I could write whatever I damn well pleased, that he'd always supported that in the past, and that I certainly wasn't going to change who I was to become convenient for him. I'm not a convenient option, and the reality is that if he wants my friendship then he accepts me for who I am, and all that I do, including my writing. It's always been a tenuous friendship, at best because it is so difficult to remain friends, neutral friends, with an ex-lover. Especially one that has hurt you the way that Mr hurt me. The irony is that I wanted to walk away from him this past May, and let him deal with the mess he'd created out of his own life, but he wouldn't let it happen. He'd call, endlessly knowing it was beyond me to shut him out because it's rude as hell, and not fair. He'd inunadate me with all kinds of words, words like I was the only real friend he had, the only person that had ever done anything good for him in his life EVER. Apparently in the face of his latest crisis, and in the face of his bitch's anger, that no longer matters. Nothing seems to matter to him anymore.
So he called late last night and woke me out of my morphine dreams again to launch into a tirade about how he's had enough, stick a fork in him and he's done. Have a nice life so called best friend, bye. Click. I won't lie and say that I don't care, that it doesn't hurt me. I think what hurts the most is that he's broken my trust again. I trusted him to value and treasure our friendship, to count on the fact that I'd be there for him, and beyond all expectation that he'd be there for me too. But that's not how it's all worked out, in the end. Thankfully, I'm NOT facing the future alone. I've found a man that cares for me, and my feelings, and has never let me down. Hopefully that trend continues, because I've quite grown accustomed to it.
The good part is that Mr has released me, thru this one selfish act of his, from any further emotional entanglement with him and his family. I doubt that I'll stop worrying and wondering, as that's NOT HOW I ROLL, but I don't feel obligated anymore. He's on his own path now, and he's cast his "safety net" aside, probably in favor of shark infested waters. I supposed the bitch has won at last, because she's finally destroyed everything between us, every last bit of it until only the fine molecules of the dust remain, floating in space and making a beautiful sparkle in the night sky, like a meteor shower or a falling star. It took her over a year, but she got everything she wanted. She got him, and she got rid of me completely. Nice work, nice girl.
Like Meredith Brooks' song Bitch I've affirmed myself to be who and what I am, and I won't change for anyone. I'm not doing anything wrong except perhaps for those that can't bear for the truth to be told. I've committed myself to this path, and my life is better all around for doing so. I love being a writer, and I love being free of the lies in my life. I am a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint and nothing in between. And the people that know and love me wouldn't have me any other way. And again, just like that song, it takes a strong man to be with me, someone who won't be intimidated by my swings, who can love me for everything, and rejoice in all aspects that I bring to the table. Malcolm is a man like that. He's confident, sure, strong, and passionate. We have the potential to clash in a huge way because we are both goats, both stubborn as hell. LOL, but we are both true to our Capricorn nature....loyal, unswerving, and steadfast. We might gridlock, but it won't send either of us running. That much I've learned since May. Having that reassurance is what makes all the difference, knowing that I don't constantly need to tread on eggshells is amazing. It's the balm on all my wounds.
So yes, I cried over this. But if this is the best that Mr can offer me as a friend and former soulmate, then peace to you Quinones, and may your road be gentle to you in your journey. Someday you'll look back and see that I've always offered you the truth because I loved you enough to dare to. I'm sorry if seeing it in print was too much for you to handle.