Juju's 2008 Costume

My hard work at least paid off for this costume, it came out beautiful. Hope to take a better photo tomorrow. Niters Everyone!

Some of Jujubear's Halloween Best!

So Much Disappointment

Well, I knew I should have waited to get this god-damned surgery done. I woke up this morning a little puffy, and by 3 pm, my face was noticeably swollen, mostly my upper eyelids, forehead, and the upper parts of my cheeks. I felt awful, achy, and my face was hot. I knew something was up.
After having a meltdown over my mother and daughter asking me to go pick up food, again, I got to talk to Malcolm, who had his own bad news to deliver. His baby momma was hospitalized this week, and he was down in Boston taking care of his kids, and most likely not able to make it back to Maine until Monday, the 27th. I knew after he said that, and I told him I didn't think I'd make it to the party this weekend anyways that our whole weekend, and the weeks of work I put into the costumes was totally wasted.
So I scraped my ass out of the house, and went to the ER to get checked out before my damn face blew up, and sure as hell, I have an infection. Not just any mundane one though, I have a cellulitis infection. I've had one of those before and they suck in the extreme. They are tenacious as hell, can become extremely dangerous if left untended, and require a severe course of antibiotics that literally feels like poison is coursing thru your system. 2000 Mg's A DAY! of this antibiotic. Unreal.
I cried when I emailed Len & Julia. Such a silly thing for me to do, I know, in the face of my health and Malcolm's family. But we'd both been looking forward to it SO MUCH. Whatever. I'm pretty fresh back from the ER, and exhausted as hell. My daughter has the "nasty burps", and I'm holding out going to bed waiting to see if she's gonna hurl or not. I sincerely hope not because as weak as my stomach is feeling right now from the Keflex, I'd probably be right there with her fighting for the bowl. I miss Malcolm, I just want his reassuring arms around me holding me and keeping me warm. I can't think of anything more comforting than laying my head on his chest and listening to the steady pulse of his heart. It was the only position, on Tuesday, that I could lay my head and not have a stitch of pain. Maybe he's magic like that. I guess I just can't believe we'll miss Halloween.

Fair Weather Friends

Mr reached his breaking point last night. Apparently my blogging has pushed him over the edge into the abyss. You see, I guess he really had been trying to get back together with that girl, mainly over a matter of money to help him out of his current situation, and my blog made her rescind the offer. Oops. We started to argue about it last night as he walked home from work. He asked why didn't I just stop blogging about THEM. Nevermind that if she really loved him, truly loved him, someone's words wouldn't sway her to change her mind as quickly as she changes her hairstyles. Nevermind that real love can't be influenced by anyone outside of the relationship. God knows he had MY fidelity until he himself affirmed my belief that it was time to take it away thru his own words and actions, and even then I was still there. I suppose I shouldn't hold other's up to my own standards though, perhaps my lofty ideals are not realistic. My bad for valuing constancy, faithfulness, maturity, and selfless devoted love and affection.
I told him I could write whatever I damn well pleased, that he'd always supported that in the past, and that I certainly wasn't going to change who I was to become convenient for him. I'm not a convenient option, and the reality is that if he wants my friendship then he accepts me for who I am, and all that I do, including my writing. It's always been a tenuous friendship, at best because it is so difficult to remain friends, neutral friends, with an ex-lover. Especially one that has hurt you the way that Mr hurt me. The irony is that I wanted to walk away from him this past May, and let him deal with the mess he'd created out of his own life, but he wouldn't let it happen. He'd call, endlessly knowing it was beyond me to shut him out because it's rude as hell, and not fair. He'd inunadate me with all kinds of words, words like I was the only real friend he had, the only person that had ever done anything good for him in his life EVER. Apparently in the face of his latest crisis, and in the face of his bitch's anger, that no longer matters. Nothing seems to matter to him anymore.
So he called late last night and woke me out of my morphine dreams again to launch into a tirade about how he's had enough, stick a fork in him and he's done. Have a nice life so called best friend, bye. Click. I won't lie and say that I don't care, that it doesn't hurt me. I think what hurts the most is that he's broken my trust again. I trusted him to value and treasure our friendship, to count on the fact that I'd be there for him, and beyond all expectation that he'd be there for me too. But that's not how it's all worked out, in the end. Thankfully, I'm NOT facing the future alone. I've found a man that cares for me, and my feelings, and has never let me down. Hopefully that trend continues, because I've quite grown accustomed to it.
The good part is that Mr has released me, thru this one selfish act of his, from any further emotional entanglement with him and his family. I doubt that I'll stop worrying and wondering, as that's NOT HOW I ROLL, but I don't feel obligated anymore. He's on his own path now, and he's cast his "safety net" aside, probably in favor of shark infested waters. I supposed the bitch has won at last, because she's finally destroyed everything between us, every last bit of it until only the fine molecules of the dust remain, floating in space and making a beautiful sparkle in the night sky, like a meteor shower or a falling star. It took her over a year, but she got everything she wanted. She got him, and she got rid of me completely. Nice work, nice girl.
Like Meredith Brooks' song Bitch I've affirmed myself to be who and what I am, and I won't change for anyone. I'm not doing anything wrong except perhaps for those that can't bear for the truth to be told. I've committed myself to this path, and my life is better all around for doing so. I love being a writer, and I love being free of the lies in my life. I am a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint and nothing in between. And the people that know and love me wouldn't have me any other way. And again, just like that song, it takes a strong man to be with me, someone who won't be intimidated by my swings, who can love me for everything, and rejoice in all aspects that I bring to the table. Malcolm is a man like that. He's confident, sure, strong, and passionate. We have the potential to clash in a huge way because we are both goats, both stubborn as hell. LOL, but we are both true to our Capricorn nature....loyal, unswerving, and steadfast. We might gridlock, but it won't send either of us running. That much I've learned since May. Having that reassurance is what makes all the difference, knowing that I don't constantly need to tread on eggshells is amazing. It's the balm on all my wounds.
So yes, I cried over this. But if this is the best that Mr can offer me as a friend and former soulmate, then peace to you Quinones, and may your road be gentle to you in your journey. Someday you'll look back and see that I've always offered you the truth because I loved you enough to dare to. I'm sorry if seeing it in print was too much for you to handle.

Someone Killed My Dog? What?? When Did I GET a Dog???

So being on morphine derived drugs has made the past few days an interesting blur for me. Very vivid yet fucked up dreams, no real pain to speak of, until the shit wears off, and a happy happy time all around. Yesterday with Malcolm was amazing. He was unhappy that I was sad in the morning, and came to take care of his baby. He drove for me, he provided for me, he even wanted to wash my hair for me, but my scalp still hurt too damn much to even think about getting it wet. I wish, today, that I'd let him do it. Thankfully, my awesome friend and stylist Chris will do it for me, and probably slip in a wax so I'm not Sasquatch on Saturday. Well, and how better to forget the pain on my head then to replace it with pain on my lip. LOLOL. OHH, and sex on vicodin is AMAZING!!!!! Malcolm knew all about that too!!! I Love You Baby!
I'm drugged right now, and just spoke to Mr. He's working hard, trying to avert another looming crisis. Unfortunately, I can't help him with this one....he does understand. I still suffer thru these things with him, because I will always care about him and his family, and to what happens to all of them. It's hard to not be able to step in and repair the damage like I used to be able to do. But I'm not miss moneybags anymore, and he's not my responsibility like that anymore. He was laughing, saying the messages I'd left him sounded like someone had killed my dog, right in front of me, and probably put a bullet halfway thru my brain as well. NICE! Well, I guess it's not too far off the truth, for real, cuz I feel like I got a bullet wound. But it did make me laugh, which made me hurt. Nice contrast that.
I had to step out while talking to him last night, and he was in the midst of apologizing to his brother, who had kindly offered to pick up his stuff for him, since his psycho refuses to give it back. I told him to just call the police and get an escort. It is his shit afterall, and some of it is important to him. He told me this morning he'd like to remain as civil as possible, which means he's probably turning into a marshmallow. Of course the last time he took that attitude with an ex, it landed him in jail. He just never ever learns. In the end he'll do whatever it is that he'll do. I'm sure that having use of a car, cable and internet is very appealing, and convenient sex too. I hope he stays strong this time because all his family has urged him to walk away from this poison. It's like heroin, and his life has gone down the toilet since he started with the whole deal. But talking to an addict is always risky business. Some days or hours they hear you clear headed, and then the addiction speaks to them louder than any sense of reason, and they are back in the thick of it. When he's rational, and the world isn't piling up against him, he comes to the right conclusions and agrees that this is not the right road for him. But when his needs talk louder than his brain, his need to watch tv, or use the internet, or get a piece of tail....then it's all out the window. He used to talk of all this potential he saw in her, potential he was craving to tap. He learned the hard way that there wasn't anything more than what he saw. It was all a lie, by his own admission, like so many other lies she's told right to his face. He can see the benefits of moving on, but God only knows if he'll make it to the other side. I know I needed something better, something monumental to break my attachment to that relationship. When Malcolm and I talk about it he rather describes Mr's relationship like a canker sore. Ugly and contagious, and even when you can't see it, ready to break out at any given moment worse than it was the time before. I told you he's amazing with his analogies! But Malcolm was there, in that position, and he still feels for Mr, knows how hard it is to make the final break. I know too, and my life has never been better having made it to the far shore. Imagine being with a woman that genuinely knows what real love is. Imagine having a life with someone who won't abandon you at your worst moments? Someone who won't spoil your trust with every breath. Can you even imagine it anymore, or has this relationship beat it all out of you so that the only things you think to ever expect anymore are lies, shallowness, and being alone when you need someone the most? Can you even imagine enjoying the world with someone who sees it as a beautiful place, a place to explore all manner of everything, with fantastic people instead of the world just being a place where no one can measure up to one person's self absorbed ideals of beauty? I wish you much luck and love Mr....there is a whole lifetime ahead of you. Don't sell yourself short.

Timeline

To Bitch, the info you requested:

Malcolm & I committed to be exclusive to each other after the Waterville party, August 23rd. I've honored that commitment since that time. Other than that, it was a GREAT summer. Really, the clues are all in my blogs. LOL. Kind of like Where's Waldo, except it's when did I do Mr.
On a lighter note, Malcolm and I discussed a future with Mr and his new girl, when he finds one. Mr got that familiar giggle when I talked to him about it, and seemed excited to move on to getting back into the lifestyle with people that are real about it, and love all aspects of what it's really about. I think it will be great, personally....the two guys have genuine respect for each other, although because of the bullshit with the psycho over the last few months, Mr has to show Malcolm that he's not REALLY as much of an idiot as he seemed to be. I feel confident that he can pull it off. When his head is screwed on right, he's a great guy, which is why we lasted 5 years and had a pretty damn good time. Mr's already had some offers, so it'll be fun to see him explore his sexuality all over again, and hear about his new relationship, hopefully with way less bitching this time.
We had a great conversation today, and I love ya, you old rascal. Yes, we're BFF's again, Yes I'll stay in ur life no matter what, and YES, I'll wait on the DP for you. But hurry it up, we're both getting older u know, and I've already waited a friggin long ass time. (No, you don't get your choice of doors, you passed on that torch to Malcolm, LOLOL)

This Past Weekend

I dunno what I was smoking this weekend, but obviously I didn't have enough of it, because I agreed to let my daughter have a sleepover with two of her friends. I've done 3 before, and it was awful, but I had thought it was because of who it had been, not the number. I was wrong. Apparently sleepovers need to be in even numbers, I'll have to put that in the parent manual. So they spent the weekend arguing, and tattling, and screaming, and crying, and occasionally, playing peacefully together. I decided about halfway thru that NOT swearing at them was just hypocritical, and let it launch in a tirade. "If you little bastards can't fucking get along, then you're all going the HELL home!!" LOL, my daughter just rolled her eyes at me and said, "Jeez mom, you don't have to swear, you know. " Nice. Then they were off calling each other little bastards for the rest of the weekend. That was hysterical! Thank god their respective parents swear as much or more than I do!!! LOL
So I finished the last touches on Malcolm's costume, put the belt loops on, finished his tartan shawl, and managed to create and cut the pattern for my dress after some debate and alot of argument from Malcolm to make it mini-skirt short. Ahh, not so much. I know he loves thick thighs, but cummon, there's a limit to what I'm comfortable showing off in public. So I agreed to go an inch above my knee, which in his sly brain will be up to my crotch if I ever try to sit down. So, the shoes better be comfy, although chances are I'll just be barefoot as usual. By some miracle, my daughter found an abandoned leash in the middle of the road yesterday. Of course the color is all wrong, and Malcolm says he's going to get either a chain one or a black leather one. He doesn't want his sheep looking cheap. My friend Ondine said "Sheep on a leash?, is that like Soap on a Rope?". She's a riot.
I doubt I'll get anything accomplished on my costume today because this is my surgery day. I don't know how I'll feel afterward, but I know I'm getting 7 injections around the site, and I get to be blissfully awake and aware of them slicing my head open and tugging bits of flesh out. JOY! When I elaborated on the specifics to Mr, I could tell he was breaking out into a sweat just hearing about the needles, and the blood, and he told me to stop before he vomited. Malcolm? He's waiting for me to be finished, and then he's gonna make sure I'm taken care of the rest of the day, cuz he's cool like that. I think he could probably give himself stitches without any anesthetic and be ok. LOL! Mr was really endearing, however, and told me that I HAD to be ok after, because in his heart he's worried about the biopsy results. I know I'll be fine, and THANK YOU Mr, for showing me love and concern. You already know, cuz I already spoke to you about this yesterday. Peace.
I'm sure my most loyal reader is waiting for me to post some snide remark about her event this weekend, but I don't have the time nor the inclination to bother with it. I will repeat from my previous posts that my life is amazing right now, and my balance between my friends and my lover is perfect, and has been for a long time. I value my relationship with Malcolm and would never do anything to hurt him, especially after we agreed to be exclusive to each other. So if there is blame, don't place it on me. The past is past, and we've all moved forward. And if an excuse was needed, well, more power to you, but be real about it....he is who he is and he will never change. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone that comes along in his future. People don't change, they only become more of who they are. And if you allege that it's MY blog that is the issue???? STOP FUCKING READING IT! Mr surely doesn't. LOL

Ouchie

I didn't expect it to be this big......

What I Figured Out Today

Taking a break from the erotica for a moment, I wanted to just comment on my most fabulous day. There are some days that are memorable for what you do, and then there are days that are memorable for what you realize. Today, I realized that Malcolm was "The One".
In all my relationships over the years, there have been men that I loved passionately, not least of which was Mr, as all my readers know, lol. But there was always something about those other relationships that wasn't quite right. There would always be something that I'd have to hide, or overlook. Something that I'd try to explain away, or make excuses for. With Mr, it was the fact that he'd never be faithful 100%, and that I was his #2 priority behind Mrs D. With baby daddy it was the fact that we just didn't gel all the time because he's buck crazy. With my first love, in college, it was the fact that I was a friend with benefits, but not a girlfriend. With Peanut, it was the fact that he drove me insane with his OCD. Eventually the things you try to explain away or overlook become the white elephant in the room, and each person's unhappiness evolves until one or the other does something stupid, hence my cheating on Mr as retaliation.
I've been dating Malcolm since May, and I've had some scares, but every time I started to freak out over something ridiculous it was my leftover angst at dealing with Mr for 5 years. Malcolm has been constant, dependable, loving, caring, passionate, and best of all.......AVAILABLE!!!! I find that every time I spend time in his company, I want to do it more often. Not just because of the earth-shattering sex we have, although lets be real about that too, what girl wouldn't want to spend every waking moment with a guy that had a 4 to 6 hour tongue??? No, I love his conversation, the way he makes me laugh, the way he laughs with me, our shopping trips even when they are to the sex shop and embarrassing as hell! He's got fashion sense (thank god he does cuz lord knows I wasn't born with it), he's an artist in his heart, and he loves children. He's a gentleman, he's accommodating, he's the perfect date...always. And he's proud to be my man...as proud as I am to be his woman. I noticed today, as he updated his OWN websites, that he added our pictures, and introduced me as his partner because, as he specified, we are a couple. We even talked about kids today, and I jokingly made a comment about how even though he's spayed, I'd continue on my BC because god forbid, I'm sure he wouldn't want a nasty surprise. He actually stopped and said "It wouldn't be so bad, you know." I was rather dumbfounded, sure he didn't want anymore, and I said "Don't tease about that because in my heart I always wanted another one. But I'm cool that this is how it is." His response? "I think having a baby with you would be amazing." Wow. I can only imagine what creating a whole family would be like, and it's only sketchy in my mind because I've tried so hard not to dream a dream that would never come true. He's taken to Jujubear quite a bit, and she's absolutely smitten with him. She still loves Mr, to be fair, but Malcolm is kinda like a rock star to her and she told me the other day that she thinks he is nice because he doesn't make me cry. Yeah, I like that part too.
So in the car today, as we held hands, I just knew that this time it is different. I've never felt so.....reciprocated. I'm still apprehensive, and Malcolm knows that...LOL, and he tells me to relax, that he really really isn't going anywhere. I mentioned that since he put me in the top 98% of all women the other day that I still had some work to do to claw my way to the top. He just laughed that wonderful wholehearted laugh of his and assured me that I was well on my way and had booted the competition out as far as he was concerned. He told me he recognized that he'd fallen in love somewhere along the line, and I mentioned back that I was mighty glad because damn sho nuff, so had I.
He just called to say goodnight, like he does every night. I don't want to go back to a life without him, he's just made it too special. Today we talked about seeing other people, and where we're at with that. We both have a pretty high tolerance for this lifestyle, and I know that his feelings for me haven't changed. What I discussed with him is that to me, it's just not worth the aggravation of having a fling because they can't come close to comparing with my time with him. Being with other men is like driving a Hyundai after owning a Mercedes Benz. You can't be with the best, and then try to be satisfied with mediocrity. So unless it's WITH him, I told him I'd prefer to just be with him, and I think I saw him breathe a little sigh of relief. He knows I have a penchant for mischief, and that I really do have way too much time on my hands, much of which he can't occupy with me. And the temptation is all around because I've made lots of contacts, and single men are ridiculously persistent. What I was really impressed with is his coming back to the honesty thing, and that we both do best when we operate from that single premise...that we remain open and honest with each other. And he said that at this time he'd prefer to be exclusive to me as well. <<squeal of delight!>>
So here we are, perched on another precipice ready to take on the next relationship challenge. I'm ready for it because I have my "one" to meet the challenge head on with.