Quotes for the Day

"Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

Author Unknown

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."

Robert Heinlein

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

Napoleon Bonaparte

"Stupidity is a personal achievement which transcends national boundaries."

Albert Einstein

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."

George Bernard Shaw

I have to say I laughed out loud today when I found these. Anywho, I'm taking my big beautiful self to the big beautiful beach with my big beautiful child, and having a big beautiful time. Cuz that's how I roll! LOLOL

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

For the umptienth time in the last 5 years, my sister held an intervention for me. She felt it was time to attempt to persuade me, yet again, to move away from my mother, and let nature take it's course that way. The thought has been creeping into my own mind more and more over the past few months because, in honestly, my next job will more than likely be in Portland. And my relationships are in Portland.
It is very hard to carry on a consistent romantic relationship with someone that lives 45 minutes away. You can't do that evening thing, the quickie thing, the spontaneous thing. Every damn thing has to be preplanned, and then you run the risk of your special someone getting bored and fed up with their long distance girlfriend, and finding a local, convenient OBC to fill their free evenings with. It sucks, but it's the nature of men to find what is easiest to them and exploit it.
I consider what I would spend on gas and tolls to get to work, and then on rent in Portland, which after searching last night, I'm not feeling really positive about the experience. Rent there is astronomical, and enough to break the horses back, so to speak. But I'll be making some inquiries down there this week to see if there is anything else that might be negotiated. It's a bit exciting, although I dread leaving my big beautiful 3 bedroom apt with eat in kitchen, double living room, front & back porch, and heat included.....sigh. I love this apartment even though I can't keep it neat. Maybe because it has so much potential. Well that and I despise moving.
So I have to consider the gains and losses if I do move. Financially, moving for me might be a better option. The rent we collect from the building will pay for taxes and future repairs, and might even be able to subsidize my mom in a home. Who knows. In Portland, there are so many opportunities. My significant other is there, jobs are there, so many fun things for Jujubear to do are there. My family was a little taken aback when I mentioned I'd been thinking of moving to the greater Portland area...they were only thinking across town after all. LOL! But whatever I decide, it won't be a rash decision, or based on hurt feelings. It will be the best for my family and for me in the end. LOL, and poking the bear some won't hurt too much either.

Another Decision

Back in February, when my boss, my fellow manager and I were sitting around talking about what we would do if the layoff were us, I was definite about what I would do. "I'd wait to qualify for insurance that would cover the lap-band surgery, then run and have it done!" I think some cosmic guide heard the conviction in my voice and said, ok Baby, you asked for it. Because of course it was me that got the axe. It took a while longer than anticipated to be able to qualify, because I'd actually....!!GASP!! planned ahead for my unemployment by stashing my sizeable tax return and my stimulous check in order to stretch my comfort. Now that the bottom has dropped out, so to speak, I am again an insured human being.
It was my first thought after qualifying, and has been on my mind constantly since getting insured. Why? Because sitting around the house has helped me find ridiculous amounts of extra weight I certainly didn't need to begin with. Because I'm not employed, and having surgery wouldn't disrupt me in any way. Because without a doubt, it would be easier to be employed, and to convince people of my capability if I were thinner, as try as they might, they are still prejudiced towards the obese.
I'd decided quite firmly I didn't want my guts chopped up. I don't want the roux-en-y bypass surgery, even with the recommendation of the surgeon here in Lewiston. Who, by the way, thought I was a monster for Wanting to weigh 200 lbs (my comfort goal). I'd be a failure in his otherwise untarnished study, and he refuses to perform the lap band on me because I'm TOO big. Whatever. The reality is that although advised because of impending, future health problems, this surgery is still elective, and as such, I feel that I should be able to pick my own god-damned form of torture. I realize that I'm perhaps too focussed on food, and that I'm ridiculous for not wanting to take the final definitive step, but the thought of never being able to enjoy a diet coke, or a coffee, or celebrate with Christmas Dinner, or taste my sister's cheesecake again...I mean....WTF? Food isn't everything, but raised French, like me, it is a huge part of the love my family shares. I want to have the option to taste, to snack. Never again to overindulge and glut, but at least to say yeah, I can have a bite of that.
So then the doubts start up... even before surgery I have to shed about 40 lbs, maybe more to qualify for the banding. So my rational mind peeps up and says, "Well stupid, if you can shed 40 lbs on your own, why in hell can't you just lose the rest and keep it off?" Keeping it off being the operative suggestion there. I've lost all my weight twice in my lifetime. Once in highschool, and again in college. In college, I didn't see how buff I'd gotten...I was 180, rock hard from walking EVERYWHERE, and stacked like a brick house. I had all kinds of attention, but in my mind I wasn't good enough....because I wasn't 115. That damn number. It's the same number the Lewiston surgeon threw at me as a final goal. FUCK YOU!!
So then I have...Malcolm. LOL, I can't help but laugh when I type his new pseudonym. Malcolm loves big girls. B I G girls...like 300 lbs and up. He's very against this procedure, just wants me to eat healthy and exercize, maybe firm up a bit. Well, he's got his chance I suppose, because I've got to shed the 40 on my own. He's intimated that he may not be so interested if I lose a whole bunch of weight. I don't think I can let that influence me to stay at my present state, because too many things hurt, like knees, and hips, and ankles. And it's harder to breathe, and move, and be spontaneous and fun. I would hope that he'd still care for me a little lighter.
BFF was ecstatic when I talked to him about it. He's wanted this for me for so long, and sometimes I wonder if my increase in size didn't contribute to his infidelities too. He swears no, but a girl has to wonder, especially knowing what turns him on on OBC, and watching porn. He'd even be willing to help with post-op if I needed it, so eager is he to have me take this step. He's a dear in his concern, and has been waiting for 5 years for me to do this. I guess I'll see if the Portland surgeon...just down the street from him, incidentally, will say yes to my wishes, or will try to make me conform to his wishes.
It's not a short road. I started today, and will continue for the next 2-3 months on my own until the tests are done, the classes are taken, and the first 40 lbs are off. After that, probably after the holidays, I'd have the surgery...2 days in the hospital, and 5 days post op remaining within range of the hospital in case of complications. So, a week off and then I'm back in the saddle! The laproscopic surgery is minimally invasive, and recovery is quite speedy. I'm still not 100% sure, but the very least thing I can accomplish is to try, and see how I feel when the final hour comes around.
I want to close by saying I love being a bbw. I love being lush, and curvy, and full. But I don't like being this large because I'm tired, and achy. There are all ranges of being a bbw, and I just want to be further down the scale so that I can have fun and be active again.
>

The Dream

It was such a lovely dream. A hot guy, Foosball, drinks, music.....making love over and over again. We were both so tired, and it did seem like a dream, a beautiful dream that was fun before, during, and after.
It was the rest of the dream that was so bizarre.
Rain, pelting between the houses, cars driving by so loud, so many noises...pillows falling between mattress and headboard, tasting myself on him, blinking clocks, the fear that being away for the night would cause my universe to implode back home, and the fear that not having an out clause will make one half I've come to love give up on me. Not knowing how to make things different.
Imagine that how this is right now, is how it will always be, like nothing and no one will ever strip away the soul bond, no matter what we both do to each other. It's not about love anymore. It's gone so much deeper than that. I'm breathing his scent because it rolls out of MY skin....thats how far inside my head he's gotten...he's relentless.
Mr, I am so screwed....

Color Me Bad~ MWAHAHAHA

Tonight, tonight! I'm so very excited for tonight! As I was talking to Malcolm, finishing up the notices to the various groups, he was as excited as I am, finally getting to DO stuff, out in the world instead of just holing up and, well...ya know. LOL. No matter what happens tonight, whether people show up or not, it will be a night well spent in the company of my lover. He's so much damn fun, and we laugh so much and often. I love that about him, his ability to make me wheeze with laughter. He is so wholehearted about everything he does...something else I love. I don't feel like he has one foot ready to escape from me as soon as he hooks something else up. Mr drove me crazy with that shit...always chatting with other bitches while he was in my house. And no amount of talking to him made it stop. He'd just wait till I was doing something else. Malcolm, he always gives me his undivided attention and makes me feel like the most loved, important, wanted person he could possibly be with. It's a gift of his, I know he's like that with everyone. But I'm into it, and love that he uses it liberally with me.
We'll be sleeping in Portland tonight. How much trouble can we possibly cause with that? OMG, endless possibilities. LOLOL. This lifestyle journey with him is quite possibly the most fun I've ever had simply because there is NO PRESSURE. LOL, AND, he contributes to the work. He let me know he's been chatting with other couples too, so it doesn't all fall to my shoulders to produce. It's a relief. And the best part is that he loves one on one time, so if nothing goes down, GREAT! More time for us, LOLOL.
I'll deliver the starry eyed report tomorrow....after I fight thru the DHS tape with Mrs D. Wish me luck with that!
Yours,

Back on Track

Malcolm and I have had more opportunity to talk this past week, and it has been fantastic. I realize that when I spend time away from him, in body and spirit, I tend to allow myself to get caught up in Mr's drama over and over. It's not a healthy thing for anyone. Today we had a great talk about everything....but centering on us again, and what we are doing...where we are going.
I miss spending time with him, even if it was just phone time. He was so great at helping me shift my perspective, center myself, and just be an overall better person. When I don't talk with him for long periods, my doubts take over again. My inability to trust that I AM enough for someone, that I am beautiful enough, I am smart enough, engaging enough to have someone WANT me to be theirs. It's an old hurt that was aggravated by the breakup. But I do realize, more than anything now, that there were alot of things in that relationship that just weren't in my favor. It's not like that with Malcolm....when we actually get to spend time with each other. I told him about how I'd always felt like a dirty secret in the past, and that was why the Jill thing had kind of rubbed me the wrong way. He knows, but like he pointed out...this isn't the past, it isn't the same people, and the scenario isn't the same. I don't have to hide anything with him. I can be as open and happy and out there with him as I wanna be. He's very cool with it. It's what I always wanted....now I just have to accept that I have it, and it's real.
I was having a conversation yesterday with BFF, and we were talking about Malcolm....about how the doubts were killing me. Those words...they thrill me and haunt me at the same time. I LOVE to hear him tell me that he loves me. I'm terrified it's not real....and that's my past that's coming up to choke me again. Mr points out that I always make Malcolm sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, when we are together, he is everything I've ever dreamed about in a man. This month long separation of ours has been very harsh on both of us, and we both had lots of doubt to sort out. I learned to tune out the other chatter I was getting....because it made me crazy. Malcolm and I never said we were on the marriage mart, never talked about lifelong commitments and undying love. BUT, we have an amazing time together. He genuinely likes being with me, and I can claim the same for being with him. We are cautious, I think, because we both have some lingering baggage....me more so than him. The group was something I'd thought up a couple of years ago, and at the time, I'd always dreamed it would be Mr & I leading it, and having the time of our lives. But it won't happen that way, and the lucky part is that Malcolm has the knowledge, personality, and desire to step into the role, if we can coordinate ourselves. Our biggest problem is distance. I feel like I'm handicapped because I don't live in his city. Perhaps I should consider moving...at least the job market there is better, and I wouldn't have to freaking commute. Unfortunately, I can't get up and move like that because I do have commitments here...to my mom. And Malcolm gets that too, because he has the same exact thing.
We've made a commitment to this Thursday night, to host BBW Thursday together as a couple. I so want to have a great time, and now I know I will because he'll be there to make sure it happens that way. He's a good friend, an amazing lover, and an overall great guy. We just need time to see what all our possibilities are. And now that we are talking again on a regular basis, that can happen.

What a Fantastic Article I found

LOL, Karma always brings everything you need or deserve right at you! I may have been asked not to blog ABOUT someone, but at least my wisdom is validated by this fine author. My incredulity of actions like these isn't because I'm trying to break up anyone, it simply shows common sense and respect for someone I care about in my life. I would NEVER have broken MY partner's trust by doing this shit. I got his trust FIRST, and then he gave me all the permissions, reciprocal trust, and passwords I needed to see whatever I wanted. I never STOLE from him. This is how I am approaching my new relationship.
I don't need to break anyone up, I'm not interested. Whatever happens will be because of shit they did all on their own. Don't try to blame ME for shit ya shouldn't have done in the first place. What I will say, as a final word, is that if it all goes to hell in a handbag, it won't be because of me. My life goes on, with my new relationship. For good or bad, I've taken my chances with earning someone else's trust and love. Perhaps if people concentrated on what they HAVE, instead of trying to see what OTHER people have, their lives would be that much less miserable.
Six Relationship-Ending Dating Behaviors
These violations of trust will kill any relationship
By David Wygant Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jul 31, 2008 Finding the one to share a relationship with is a blessing. Once you've bonded with this special someone, keep in mind that respecting your partner's privacy and retaining trust are essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. If you cross certain behavioral boundaries that violate your partner's trust, you may cause irreparable damage to your relationship. As a dating coach, I'm not usually a fan of hard and fast "rules" for relationships. I've, nevertheless, identified widespread behaviors which will likely end any relationship. So to help you ensure that you don't breach the "trust" boundary in your relationship, here are six detrimental dating behaviors that should always be avoided: 1. Prying into private info. If you suspect your partner of betrayal, does that give you the right to start reading your partner's email? To listen to his/her voicemail messages? To hack into his/her online profile ? The answer to all of these is "no!" You should never dig through your partner's personal emails or listen to your partner's voicemail messages. By doing this, you violate not only your partner's trust, but also the trust your partner has with anyone who left those voice messages and emails. 2. Lying for the greater good. Lying is never good in a relationship, although we've probably all been guilty of doing it. Lying to your partner in an effort to avoid hurting him/her or to avoid confrontation may seem like a wise decision. Regrettably, you will end up digging a deeper hole for yourself when that lie is exposed, which is almost always inevitable. When caught in this situation, you end up hurting your partner anyway, and whatever you were trying to protect your partner from -- by lying to them -- will be even worse because of your deception. I recommend honestly communicating with your partner from the get-go. 3. Pulling a "James Bond." You should never snoop in your partner's private things (drawers, wallet, filing cabinet, or private records -- such as bank or credit card statements). Furthermore, nothing justifies snooping. No matter what you have a "hunch" about, snooping through your partner's things should never be pursued to confirm or deny your hunch. Your partner's possessions and personal records should be kept private unless he/she gives you permission to look at them. Spying on your partner is one of the most blatant violations of your partner's trust and will achieve nothing except having your partner never trust you to be alone near his/her things ever again. 4. Designating yourself "Magnum P.I." Another ill-advised way some people try to verify suspected bad behavior by their partner is to take on the role of private investigator by attempting to "catch their partner in the act" of doing something. Whether this takes the form of searching for your partner's car by driving by his/her house, work, or gym or it takes the form of following your partner in your car, this is something you should never do. Even if you have a convincing hunch that your partner is hiding something from you, stalking is the wrong way to address it. If your partner finds out you've been "tailing him/her" in your car, he/she will no longer trust you. 5. Sending others to do your dirty work. Don't ever send a friend or anyone else to gather information for you about your partner or to spy on your partner for you. This means, don't send a friend to go hang out where you know or suspect your partner will be. Don't have your friend try to eavesdrop on your partner's conversations in places he/she goes. Don't ask your friends to use their cell phone to snap covert pictures of your partner. All of these favors from friends not only violate your partner's trust, but also reveal your total lack of trust in your partner. 6. Checking up constantly. One of the biggest ways to reveal that you don't trust your partner is to manifest that distrust with paranoid and obsessive behavior. While calling your partner regularly is quite normal, calling him/her incessantly to "check up" comes off as obsessive and will drive your partner away. If, for example, your partner is unable to answer his/her phone for a few hours and by the time he/she accesses it he/she discovers you've called 50 times, you not only come off as being paranoid and obsessive, but you clearly communicate to your partner that you distrust him/her. Also, when you panic every time 10 minutes go by without a reply from your partner by a phone call or an email, it sends the exact same message. So even if you have some type of "intuition" that your partner is hiding something from you, it's better to engage in a confrontation with him/her openly rather than searching for answers secretly. Even if your partner doesn't respond to your attempts to talk about it the first, second, or third time, chances are that you'll eventually discuss it -- and the outcome of voicing your suspicions honestly with your partner will always be better than if your partner discovers you engaged in any of the behaviors I've talked about. No matter how much love exists in your relationship, it cannot survive without trust. Violating someone's trust will never take a relationship to a better place. In fact, by doing so, you may very well be single-handedly orchestrating the end of what could have been a fantastic relationship. Also, keep in mind that I didn't mention the most obvious relationship-ending behavior to avoid: cheating .