One Dream Gone

What's in a dream, and how many roads can one take to get there? This week, I met a roadblock to my success. Earlier this year, I made the decision I was ready to seek out bariatric surgery to assist me in getting healthier, and finally being able to shed the weight that's been plaguing me for, oh....30 years. This week, I found out that due to my current insurance coverage, that option is not financially affordable for me.
So, do I hate being big? Some days, yes. I look in the mirror, and I don't see me at all. I see chin(s), and arm fat, and belly rolls, and back fat. I see an ass that is hanging a little lower each year, and boobs that are slowly stretching to my belly button. Most of all, I see an increase in the scale at each doctor's visit. What I hate about all of this is how I FEEL. I feel tired, bloated, and cranky. My knees hurt after a day at work, as do my back and my hips. And I'm embarrased about how sex isn't as easy and fun as it should be. My partner, bless his heart, has never made my weight an issue, but I know how much MORE fun we could have if it wasn't an issue at all. And my daughter....I'm teaching her the same life I had. Fat and physically unfit. She deserves more from her mother, and her life than what I had, and what I am giving her.
So, all that aside, those of you who know me know that yes, I do spend some time wallowing in self pity...but it has been 2 days now, and my better sense of fixing the situation has perked up. Whats the reality? The reality is that I've lost almost 20 pounds on my own in preparation for this surgery, and I've done that in a little less than 2 months. Yeah, the food poisoning helped! LOL. BUT...I've no reason to discontinue my efforts simply because I'm not going under the knife. Many people DO lose weight without surgery. God knows I have, several times over. But I've got to want to do this forever, and that is where the stumbling blocks come in. How do you find a way to balance what you can live with, with what you have to do? I'm back on Weight Watchers, unofficially, and it helps me find that balance. My doctor's tips about protein bars and fruit snacks has been an incredible help. Limiting my intake of yummy treats that are GONZO points has been a plus. But but but....how many excuses can I come up with to cheat?
One thought that helped me shed the almost 20 has been the thought "by any means necessary". So diet aids, YES. And the guilt about using them is GONE. I feel better and stronger willed than I have in a while, and the real truth...the real DREAM is that I can still do it. I AM doing it, every day that I make better, healthier choices. It may not be gone by next summer, but I have the power to continue until I say I'm done. And MAYBE, I've made a change for the better? They do say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit. I've surpassed the 6 weeks, and I do find that the right choices are foremost in my thoughts, and that making them is easier than ever. I've always hated being on a diet. Perhaps, in my frenzy of prepping for surgery, surgery that won't happen this year at least, I've created a new habit that can take me into next year and beyond. Wish me luck and love my friends. I've a goal of 35 pounds lost I'm still intent on reaching.

Day 1 of Second Grade

Second grade is memorable for me. I remember bits from each grade, but second grade really stayed with me. I remember Mrs Cote, that she was sweet, but fair. I remember being an excelerated student, and doing SRA reading projects to stay occupied while the rest of the class finished the work I had finished in 5 minutes. Second grade was a level my mother had considered skipping for me, but ultimately, decided she wanted me to stick with kids my own age...regardless of the fact that I was older already because of the cut off dates.
Second Grade was also the grade which saw me through the death of my father. Ultimately, teachers are not equipped to deal with trauma the likes of which my family suffered, and the solution to the white elephant upon my return to classes (I don't even remember how much time I was away from classes) was to instruct all the kids to not talk to me about it. Of course, kids being kids, that really translated as Don't Talk To Dot. I had a couple of friends that were dear to me though. Jeff, of course was always there to make me smile and make me feel like I belonged, fatherless and fat though I was. And Jenn, god bless her heart. And Angela. All souls I am so very thankful to still count as friends in my life today. So why the nostalgia?
My baby started second grade today. And she is so very like me, with her weight, her need for attention, her insecurities about friends and fitting in. She doesn't say it, but I see it in every movement of her body, and her eyes. And I see myself telling her to stop certain behaviors that, in my mind, inforce stereotypes that will hurt her socially. Yeah...who's insecurities now, right? So she went back to school in Not New clothes. And I compensated my guilt by sewing her an original creation (just don't look too closely, I never claimed to be a seamstress). I purposefully did not go back to school shopping, because the reality is that everything is provided for her. And we are trying to be conservative <<shudder>> when it comes to money. AND her dad needs to step up.
Her first day was great, and while mom stayed home fretting, and mentally composing this blog, Juju had an amazing day, filled with fun, and friends, and learning. AND the prerequesite 200 forms for me to fill out and return by tomorrow. I should be done by 2 AM. LOL. I'm so very proud of the daughter my baby is, and of the woman she is becoming. We may find ourselves at odds, and argueing, but the reality is that she is a really great girl with a big girl attitude. And as I find myself looking for books for "spirited" children, sometimes it's just a clue to relax, step back, and give her some breathing room too.

She keeps Moet & Chandon in her pretty cabinet...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irp8CNj9qBI

Q...this is for u.

Incidentally...I absolutely destroyed Q on Friday . We were driving
along, jamming to a new Queen collection I had purchased, I was
screaming out the chorus for Fat Bottomed Girls, when he poked me and
laughed, "My God, they wrote a song about you!". I giggled and
said, "Why do you think big girls love gay men so much!!" He looked
like there had been a natural disaster, and quietly, venomously looked
at me and said "WHAT?". "They're all gay Q, you gotta know
that...everyone knows that!! For god's sake, their name is QUEEN!!"
He'd had no idea, and was totally shattered. Incidentally, it was to get worse, because when Under Pressure played, he paused, and without looking at me said, "I suppose you're going to tell me David Bowie is gay too?" LOLOL "Well YAH...you know, Ziggy Stardust and all..." So, now he believes everything I touch becomes gay, well....almost everything!

I'm still laughing.
Dots ~ killer queen :))