When I grow up, I want to be....

Has this question ever plagued you? It has certainly been hanging around in my mind for oh....30 or more years now. I've had alot of flashes of inspiration, and had times that I was sure I knew. For instance, when I was 8, I knew I wanted to be a singer. I had a great voice, got lots of compliments, and also had perfect pitch and the ability to sight read music. What a great career choice! So I practiced, and sang, and even joined a professional classical choir when I was 15, and toured with them all over the state of Maine the winter of my highschool freshman year. There is a but coming. I loved it, I was great at it. But I wasn't properly trained at it, and I had recently begun using an asthma inhaler. Being the lead alto in my group, I strained myself that winter and developed nodules on my vocal chords. The asthma drugs keep me nice and horse now...not so great for a singing career, although if I began to practice again, and took pain killers to get over the throat pain, I could do it reasonable well. But that's not a career choice, is it.
So after that debacle, I knew I wanted to be an animator. I loved cartoons. I was great at art, won prizes, took advanced classes, and even got accepted into one of the great art schools in the country. I finished my four years, got a degree in Painting and Drawing. I lost the animation dream after I realized I wasn't the kind of person to enjoy a tedious repetitious task. I never really knew what I'd do with my art once I graduated. The gallery life never did hold much allure for me, and the idea of being a virtual financial captive to one was horrifying. My art was mediocre. I couldn't fully embrace the abstract, and the art world doesn't accept anything to do with country. Realism, which was my strength when I started became my greatest weakness. My art was too emotive, too colorful. Too full of....me. I think, in the end, it became a therapeutic way for me to work thru my drama and find a better me on the other side. Maybe.
I also knew I wanted to be a Massage Therapist. It was one of those out of the heavens inspiration, probably based on a wicked recessive economy, and a desire to be able to live in the mountains, a one time dream of mine. I did indeed become a therapist, completed the certification course, and practiced. However, I coudn't afford to be a therapist because the additional education killed me financially. So I became a retail manager. Still am, and I do like what I do...very much. But I still feel like I haven't become what I'm supposed to be when I grow up.
I'm a mother, a manager, a significant other. I love to read. And I love to write. So my latest inspiration is to become a writer. I know what I want to write...I think. I love romance. But I don't know if I could write a romance. I think I might need to be edgier than that, and tackle topics that romance readers don't want to tackle. I want to write about big women, and black men, and interracial relationships. I want to be funny, and i want to relay my truth, as its been for me. So as I think about these ideas, or ideals, I realize I don't have even a bit of a clue as to where to start. I think perhaps it requires more reading :)

Where were you....

I was sitting in my office at Geiger, reading and responding to emails. My partner in the office got a call from his wife, and he had this incredulous laugh, then "WHAT??" "Get the fuck OUT!" So he looks over at me, and says, "Hey Dot, they just bombed the Pentagon". I was like, Dennis, shut the fuck up! We were chuckling about it because we were sure it was a joke. Who in Christ would bomb the pentagon, right? Then he says, "Holy shit, they bombed the World Trade Center again too!" Our office was the first to hear of it, and everyone walking by was like "What?", "Who?". This was at the dawn of web videos, so, since I was an internet researcher, and I had one of the faster computers in the building, I went to msn.com and tried to pull up the video...I remember having people standing behind me trying to see the screen, but I was looking at the rough footage so closely, I just remember seeing the computer. It didn't seem real...it was far away. We had a voice come over the intercom then from the president saying any who were concerned about their families could leave. I just shook my head and said, why would anyone want to leave work? It didn't happen here. I just was so disconnected. Felt so immune to what was going on. We all left early that day anyways, and when I got home and really saw....
Then the information started filtering in...
They had been in Maine....
They had photographed Bath Iron Works
We had a shipyard and a naval air station, we weren't safe, or immune.

And then I remember watching the images over and over again. Watching the towers collapse, and realizing that not everybody was out yet. Calling friends and family in the Midlantic Region to make sure they were safe, and alive. Watching the economy collapse. No cargo moving, all borders sealed. I remember trying to reroute shipments to no avail.

I lost two relatives that week. Not directly to the tragedy...My uncle finally had succumbed to parkinsons and alzheimers about 5 days prior, and 1 day after 9/11, my 100 year old grandfather died, of no known cause. I still believe he saw the images on TV and said to himself "fuck this, I'm out of here". He hadn't spoken to anyone because of his alzheimers for many years, so we'll never know for sure.
So, I'm reading all these posts about conspiracies, and terrorists, and George W....and I see and feel all the anger on the left and right sides...towards the casualties, and the terrorists, and the gov'ment, and the lies. And I know that positive change cannot come about without first uncovering lies, and reality...if there is any to uncover. See, after going to Wikipedia to read up on the Reichstag Fire, it became clear to me that there are still many unknowns about THAT event. Things we will never know for sure. I believe the same is true for 9/11. I remember reading that the easiest way to make the people eager to give up their rights is to keep them afraid. Make them believe that they are not safe...ever, or anywhere. I also know that if the general public knew a quarter of the info that the govment hides from us...we would panic 24/7.
So, the world is not safe.
I held my 21 month old baby in September 2001, after everything had happened. 6000 + dead, anthrax in the mail, and I cried every night...
and I was sorry I had brought her into the world. Into the mess, and the chaos. I want to share an except from my Mother's Diary to Julia, my Daughter:

"Oh, my beautiful baby. I love you so so much. Our world is so uncertain now, and I have so many fears that eat away at me. I find myself squeezing away tears daily and praying to every god and power above that you stay safe. More than 6000 people dead and missing. Yesterday we officially retaliated and began World War 3. I am so sorry i have brought you into this crazy world. I feel that we are near the end. We will not win this war. So many will be lost in addition to those who have died already. So many souls departing the earth. My fear is that I will not succeed in keeping you safe. I cannot imagine watching you suffer. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, and that includes into death. My solution to my fears is to live life to the fullest with you, and cherish you every day. It is a disturbing reality when every cloud looks sinister and menacing, and an airplane flying overhead is no longer a happy sight. I want to
feel hope for the future, but I just can't."

OK, so...
If we think about all we have lost as a people, our loved ones, our economic stability, our confidence. What can we DO. The anger, I think, towards the gov'ment and the conspiracy theories are caused by an inability to DO anything to make a difference. Did George lie to
start the war? Yes he did. So, we establish that fact and decide on a course of action. Yet, amazingly, the United States has been plagued by an inability to do anything except become angry. Point fingers. Divide our loyalties. Return to the mundane like nothing has really
happened at all. It wasn't all a lie. And we will NEVER know what really really happened. But I want to move past all that...
I want to DO.
It would be so fantastic to reunite our country, forget our petty indifferences, and come together to solve our shared problem.

You see...I have a daughter to keep safe.
Dot

One Dream Gone

What's in a dream, and how many roads can one take to get there? This week, I met a roadblock to my success. Earlier this year, I made the decision I was ready to seek out bariatric surgery to assist me in getting healthier, and finally being able to shed the weight that's been plaguing me for, oh....30 years. This week, I found out that due to my current insurance coverage, that option is not financially affordable for me.
So, do I hate being big? Some days, yes. I look in the mirror, and I don't see me at all. I see chin(s), and arm fat, and belly rolls, and back fat. I see an ass that is hanging a little lower each year, and boobs that are slowly stretching to my belly button. Most of all, I see an increase in the scale at each doctor's visit. What I hate about all of this is how I FEEL. I feel tired, bloated, and cranky. My knees hurt after a day at work, as do my back and my hips. And I'm embarrased about how sex isn't as easy and fun as it should be. My partner, bless his heart, has never made my weight an issue, but I know how much MORE fun we could have if it wasn't an issue at all. And my daughter....I'm teaching her the same life I had. Fat and physically unfit. She deserves more from her mother, and her life than what I had, and what I am giving her.
So, all that aside, those of you who know me know that yes, I do spend some time wallowing in self pity...but it has been 2 days now, and my better sense of fixing the situation has perked up. Whats the reality? The reality is that I've lost almost 20 pounds on my own in preparation for this surgery, and I've done that in a little less than 2 months. Yeah, the food poisoning helped! LOL. BUT...I've no reason to discontinue my efforts simply because I'm not going under the knife. Many people DO lose weight without surgery. God knows I have, several times over. But I've got to want to do this forever, and that is where the stumbling blocks come in. How do you find a way to balance what you can live with, with what you have to do? I'm back on Weight Watchers, unofficially, and it helps me find that balance. My doctor's tips about protein bars and fruit snacks has been an incredible help. Limiting my intake of yummy treats that are GONZO points has been a plus. But but but....how many excuses can I come up with to cheat?
One thought that helped me shed the almost 20 has been the thought "by any means necessary". So diet aids, YES. And the guilt about using them is GONE. I feel better and stronger willed than I have in a while, and the real truth...the real DREAM is that I can still do it. I AM doing it, every day that I make better, healthier choices. It may not be gone by next summer, but I have the power to continue until I say I'm done. And MAYBE, I've made a change for the better? They do say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit. I've surpassed the 6 weeks, and I do find that the right choices are foremost in my thoughts, and that making them is easier than ever. I've always hated being on a diet. Perhaps, in my frenzy of prepping for surgery, surgery that won't happen this year at least, I've created a new habit that can take me into next year and beyond. Wish me luck and love my friends. I've a goal of 35 pounds lost I'm still intent on reaching.

Day 1 of Second Grade

Second grade is memorable for me. I remember bits from each grade, but second grade really stayed with me. I remember Mrs Cote, that she was sweet, but fair. I remember being an excelerated student, and doing SRA reading projects to stay occupied while the rest of the class finished the work I had finished in 5 minutes. Second grade was a level my mother had considered skipping for me, but ultimately, decided she wanted me to stick with kids my own age...regardless of the fact that I was older already because of the cut off dates.
Second Grade was also the grade which saw me through the death of my father. Ultimately, teachers are not equipped to deal with trauma the likes of which my family suffered, and the solution to the white elephant upon my return to classes (I don't even remember how much time I was away from classes) was to instruct all the kids to not talk to me about it. Of course, kids being kids, that really translated as Don't Talk To Dot. I had a couple of friends that were dear to me though. Jeff, of course was always there to make me smile and make me feel like I belonged, fatherless and fat though I was. And Jenn, god bless her heart. And Angela. All souls I am so very thankful to still count as friends in my life today. So why the nostalgia?
My baby started second grade today. And she is so very like me, with her weight, her need for attention, her insecurities about friends and fitting in. She doesn't say it, but I see it in every movement of her body, and her eyes. And I see myself telling her to stop certain behaviors that, in my mind, inforce stereotypes that will hurt her socially. Yeah...who's insecurities now, right? So she went back to school in Not New clothes. And I compensated my guilt by sewing her an original creation (just don't look too closely, I never claimed to be a seamstress). I purposefully did not go back to school shopping, because the reality is that everything is provided for her. And we are trying to be conservative <<shudder>> when it comes to money. AND her dad needs to step up.
Her first day was great, and while mom stayed home fretting, and mentally composing this blog, Juju had an amazing day, filled with fun, and friends, and learning. AND the prerequesite 200 forms for me to fill out and return by tomorrow. I should be done by 2 AM. LOL. I'm so very proud of the daughter my baby is, and of the woman she is becoming. We may find ourselves at odds, and argueing, but the reality is that she is a really great girl with a big girl attitude. And as I find myself looking for books for "spirited" children, sometimes it's just a clue to relax, step back, and give her some breathing room too.

She keeps Moet & Chandon in her pretty cabinet...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irp8CNj9qBI

Q...this is for u.

Incidentally...I absolutely destroyed Q on Friday . We were driving
along, jamming to a new Queen collection I had purchased, I was
screaming out the chorus for Fat Bottomed Girls, when he poked me and
laughed, "My God, they wrote a song about you!". I giggled and
said, "Why do you think big girls love gay men so much!!" He looked
like there had been a natural disaster, and quietly, venomously looked
at me and said "WHAT?". "They're all gay Q, you gotta know
that...everyone knows that!! For god's sake, their name is QUEEN!!"
He'd had no idea, and was totally shattered. Incidentally, it was to get worse, because when Under Pressure played, he paused, and without looking at me said, "I suppose you're going to tell me David Bowie is gay too?" LOLOL "Well YAH...you know, Ziggy Stardust and all..." So, now he believes everything I touch becomes gay, well....almost everything!

I'm still laughing.
Dots ~ killer queen :))

Those DownEast folk

Today, Julia and I headed to Popham Beach. Firstly because it was close to my job, of which I seem to be unable to leave unattended for even a day. Second because there were no rides. I've never been a fan of Popham Beach. I've never been a fan of the ocean before the last few years. Popham was remote, it was archaic, boring, and lacking in basic necessities....like...well, a real toilet. Today, I still fret about the lack of a real toilet, and nothing but Lucifer himself could make me have to use the overdue-for-a-cleaning-outhouses. So I held my pee, sucked it up to fate, and looked around with an objective eye.
Popham is beautiful. The sand is soft, clean, and great for building sand forts and whatnot. We didn't get there until 4-ish when all threat of a sunburn was gone, and arrived just in time for low tide, so that we could walk out to the island. Aside from the giant, prehistoric, man-eating flies...I couldn't have asked for a more picturesque and relaxing location. We climbed the rock, we walked in the surf, I relaxed on the blanket while Julia made sure every crack in her body was full of sand. What have I been missing all those years?
Then we left. It was sundown, and the people from away were packing up to head back to their campgrounds, and rental houses. We were insulted by one of the said tourists who perceived we had committed some lackadaisical faux-pas of leaving the foot rinser turned on (it was stuck). She also saw my daughter wearing a towel, and assumed the bathing suit which was littering the fountain was ours. I finally turned and said "Ma'am, we're natives, not tourists, and we care for our landscape more than the people from away that did that." Then I gave her my back and left. Probably not a great way to spread love and cheer from the State of Maine to our beloved tourist industry.
It did occur to me tho, on the car ride back, that I'm the one that doesn't really fit into the whole downeast landscape. It is a totally different personality, and the people do seem very foreign there. I am french, but I am educated, have lived outside of Maine, and STILL, I seem to be able to succumb to the plebeian attitudes of so many to the people of Lewiston/Auburn. Is it the socio-economic differences? Does the fact that I grew up in a house that had to mix powdered milk with whole milk to make it last a week make me less able to accept the fact that my status NOW is equal to or great than many of the Downeasters that have said attitude? Is the Lewiston/Auburn community denigrated simply because the median income is 20,000 less per year than our friends a short distance away in Topsham, Brunswick, and Bath?
Anywho...the attitudes against different parts of the state from Mainers and People From Away alike still exists, much like racism still exists in America. I believe that in order for Maine to prosper as a State, we've got to confront and get past these ridiculous prejudices.
Off to bed now...too tired to fret anymore!

Lay off the Grass!

Ok, so I recently read an online story about how cows are screwing up the Ozone because there are so many of them and they are burping and farting and, well, BREATHING too much, and emitting methane gas. Are you kidding me here? They've recently developed a Gas-X supplement to give the cows to cut down on their gaseosness...so they will fart and burp less. WTF???
We have the fucking government blaming the ginormous hole in the OZone layer on gassy cows now? Come on. What a ridiculous stunt to continue to move the focus of the people away from the petroleum dependency of the world to farting cows. So, the idea of the electric car was killed years ago, after GM had perfected it. Why? Because dealing in petrol is just too lucrative to end it, and if the electric car became affordable, and the general public was able to purchase them, like VCR's and then DVD players, then the need for global dependency would diminish. I mean, if we could create electric and solar powered vehicles (of which I'm already convinced we have, and have squashed the research) then we could eliminate, in totality the need for petroleum period. We could use solar and wind power...we could filter sludge, we could ultimately live harmoniously with our environment, and create new economies as we clean up the shit we've done to the planet over the past 200 years plus. OHHHHH WAIT!! Then the ruling few would fall from power because the new generation that created these new methods of empowering without dependency or pollution would perhaps not be from the select few. Imagine, I forgot about all that money. Silly me.
Notice that as a people and a government, we've talked about liberating ourselves from the petroleum problem for almost 30 years now. Nuclear energy would replace it, wind power would replace it, or solar power, or ethanol, or any number of other viable alternatives. Yet here we are, 2007, and not a stitch closer to becoming free. The government talks a good line, and then assures it's good buddies in the petroleum industry and oil cartels that nothing will happen. They'll ensure and guarantee that nothing will change.
It's like my story about Hemp. The Declaration of Independence is written on hemp paper. Why? It's more durable, it's archival, and as a plant, it is naturally pest and disease resistant. So Centuries ago, it was decided to outlaw in favor of cotton and tree based fibers and papers. Why? Cotton is incredibly susceptible to diseases and pests, and regular paper breaks down rapidly. Therefore they create INDUSTRY. Pesticides must be created, more paper must be created to replace that which breaks down. More seed must be sold to account for the plants that won't survive. Fungicides and other control methods must be created and sold. Much more lucrative than hemp, which from a single crop can produce both fabric and paper, as well as a bevy of other useful product, and NO, I'm not talkin bout BUD either.
So my rant for today is - why do we allow ourselves as a people to be duped by the few? And, when we learn about the dupe, why do we refuse to take action to fix it? Or to hold those who duped accountable? It is my sincerest belief that those who dupe, those in government who dupe especially, do so because there is little to no accountability. And fewer consequences.
And, we are too lazy to do what is right, even too lazy to get mad enough to change. Well, I guess cows are notoriously languid creatures....
And just perhaps, as we grow fat, content, and languid...we find that we have all been neutered as we looked the other way.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/06/13/tech/main558572.shtml

Happy Post April Fools Day!

So....I found a new blog online that I'm fascinated with. It's many of my well liked romance authors who have merged their online talents to continue a great blog. http://thegoddessblogs.com/ give it a read, it's a hoot!
Things are.....good, I think. I'm feeling happy these days, well paid attention to. Job is good, for now...the freaks are quiet for a change...we'll see how long the reprieve lasts. Love life is....tangled, as usual.
I've been catapulting through some awesome reads lately too. Back to reading Stephen R Donaldson, one of my favs. The man is an absolute genius when it comes to describing and setting the tone and mood. If you haven't gotten into the Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever series, give it a good long read, maybe two if you can. It just is so fabulous. I first read him 20 years ago, when I was starting highschool. My love for his writing has only increased over the years as I've matured enough to totally comprehend his references, and really enjoy the genius of his creativity. I would list him in the top 5 for me. My top 5 would include Donaldson, Diana Gabaldon, Tolkien, Richard Adams, and either Laurell K Hamilton or Sara Donati.
I'm really psyched about our date on Friday the 13th. LOL, can't wait for midget night!

Entry for March 16, 2007

Oftentimes things or people in our lives come back around to remind you of the little slips off lifes true course you have taken. They come to remind you about what you already know, deep inside, but have forgotten because of all of life's dandy little sidetracks. So I had a reminder that the universe will take care of the freaks because they are destroying their own karma with the vileness of their own thoughts and actions. I can't be bothered, I won't be harrassed, (nice try tho bitch), and I am above the sophomoric actions of a twentysomething child. I feel bad for her mama, who must be suffering just knowing the kind of person her daughter has become. I simply need to trust my intuition better, LISTEN to the gut feeling instead of trying to squash it with logic, and ask for the things I want and need in my life. I asked for the job, I got the job. I always follow my inspired revelations, yet lately I find myself content. What do I want? Where do I see myself in five years? It is still the unanswered question. There is still much progress to be made, and I still would rather hide under a rock than finish it. But it is near completion, and I need only have courage to face an ending....an ending which has most honestly led me to better places in life. There is something to be said about facing life and waiting for the surprises around the corner. However, I'd like to at least know that when the surprises do come, they are actually something that I will really enjoy this time! Oh yeah, and the secret....
Don't forget to remember. LOLOLOL. Just freakin kidding! Thoughts create things. Thats all. I do like that first one better tho...thanks to Scott T for that one. You are a freakin riot!

Entry for February 21, 2007

So I have this great friend....one who I changed employment for because when he asks, I can't say no. I see him hurting right now because of the two aforementioned freaks, and I feel violent and vindictive. How dare they cause him this kind of mental and professional agony for their own personal amusement. Apparently they don't understand that when he hurts, I compensate the person doing the hurting. Get ready ladies, your final days are at hand.

Entry for February 11, 2007

Just a shout out to let everyone know that if you're gonna buy flowers for V-Day, please support your local florist!! These people are skilled artists that deliver a great product with a satisfaction guarantee. Don't waste the service fees on stupid sites like 1-800-flowers. Oh, and did you know, if you order at a place like proflowers.com, you have to buy the vase separate! And hey, do you really want Fed-ex delivering a cumbersome box of dehydrated roses to your lover at his/her job??
Anyways, that's my rant for today! Flowers are beautful living works of art. Buy Local!

Entry for February 02, 2007

Heading off to a wake....Even tho we weren't close, it is such a reminder to treasure the people you care for when a relative passes. It's like a huge family reunion this weekend, all the "parantee" from Canada is here. I guess I gotta scrape out my french, and get ready!
Love to all, well maybe I should say love to most since i still can't spread all that much love to some freaks!!! LOL

Entry for January 31, 2007

So, January is ended, and resolution to my aforementioned situation is concluded, to a semi happy turn of events. I've allowed myself a breath, some space, and can focus on what isn't right. I can't really affect the outcome, aside from walking away, and I still find myself reluctant to do it with finality. However, I do recognize that he is setting himself up to be able to get caught, and allow the situation to boil to a head without confronting the responsibility of actually being in the situation to begin with. That's kinda sucky, and smacks of fear, but in the end, not my call. My cowardice is staying.
Yeah, I love. Big deal, right? I'll revisit in a month and think about it some more. In the meantime, I'm using my breath, my space, to have fun with my friends.
You know...my job. I've never had to pop so many Advil a day for a very long time. I was broke when I owned the shop, but I didn't have to deal with super-freaks. Now, please understand that when I say superfreak, it's not in a trite or sexual context. I'm saying these people are so fucked up, so damn perturbed, that they make my life look lily white and squeaky clean. Now that takes some doing! I have never dealt with so many drama queens, and people needing to be co-dependent. I think I'm going to start leaving random slips of paper with self-help titles in people's mailboxes so that they can begin to recognize their afflictions. So, the role of a manager is to coach and council, right? Here is my coaching and counciling - I don't pay you freaks to have issues at work. And if you can't leave your issues at home, and come to work and actually work, then don't come to work at all. I won't miss you.
There's MY rant!

Entry for January 01, 2007

Wow, so all the holidays are done now, thank God. My New Year's party was memorable, to say the least. Sometimes it's hard to live with such unbelievable disappointment. Harder yet when it's doled out by someone you really care about. So, I'm not going to fixate on it because really I'm still too hurt and angry to say things that are not nasty. However, I am trying to remember that all things happen for a reason, hopefully a really good one. Maybe the flow of my life is just taking a new turn, and like last year when employment wise things looked a little bleak, great things transpired. I'm hoping that this new break will lead me to a brighter path. Cuz god knows right now I just feel sick inside....of course that could be from drinking myself into a stupor. LOL.
Keepin the faith,
Dot