Goodbye, my friend....

I feel vaguely sick today, nauseous inside like there is a lead ball sitting in the very center of me. But I guess that happens when you break up with someone. I'm free, I've been telling myself...free of the lies, free of the baggage, and the problems, free (hopefully) of the harrassment. But hearing his cold goodbye after I know I hurt him, and missing his normal morning call, well, that's a lead ball. There was alot of bad stuff, but there was ever so much more good. I had so many hopes and dreams with this man, could see us getting older, the witty snaps that always came so easy between us, the look in his eye when I'd poked the bear and he knew that I knew that a big spanking was coming. It seems like only a few days ago there was only his warmth wrapping around me and holding me, and everything was right with the world. It was moments like that where I wasn't sure where I stopped and he began. I suppose it seems like only a few days ago because it really was only a few days ago that this wonderfulness existed for me.
He certainly gave me lots of assurances that he had chosen me, but in the end, I ain't feeling it. He hasn't chosen at all, which, in my book is in itself a decision. He's my best friend, but damn honey, friends don't do this shit to each other. And I don't want to be bitter, and sniping, and thinking that every last word he is telling me is some line he is hoping will unruffle my feathers and get me "squared away".
He always knew I would walk away if it continued. I did. And it utterly sucks. So here's my words Mr, which have ALWAYS been meant for you, have never been erased, or hidden from you, or manipulated... I love you, and your family. I will miss you because you were my heart, and I hope for the best in your life and always. I have nothing bad to say about you, and I cherish our years together. You hurt me, and I'm angry, but I'm still glad to have had you in my life. Behave yourself, and for the love of God, wear a condom.